Friend being smug about new baby

[Anonymous]

You think not complaining about the baby is being smug? I used to be tired but otherwise loved motherhood. Not complaining doesn’t equal smug. What a weird take.

I thought you were going to post that you had fertility problems. I got pregnant very easily. I had a few friends who were dealing with infertility. I tried not to talk about the baby but it was hard when you were a new parent to ignore this life change.

[Anonymous]

If you asked my husband about the newborn phase with our firstborn he'd say it was a cakewalk (it wasn't). He was checked out and I relied on my parents for help. Maybe check in with his wife...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective.

This friend watched you and your husband get married and have kids in your 20s when he was still going to bars and taking last minute trips to Vegas. He watched your lives get fuller, more stable, and more meaningful while his romantic relationships stayed surface level and his life lacked true purpose. He also watched you parent multiple kids at an age when few of his friends had kids. He likely watched you become more confident with each subsequent kid and as the years went on.

Now he's finally settled down and having a kid. And you guys are the veteran parents who have been through it ALL already. He may be trying to impress you, trying to compete with you, afraid you'll judge him, or just worried you'll dump a bunch of advice on him. His decision to assure you he's got it all figured out and there are no issues whatsoever is unsurprising. Who wants to be the total newbie at something their friend is an expert veteran at?

He wants you to see him as a peer, and not to look down on him as a first time parent making first time parent mistakes and having first time parent problems. The more you can reassure him that he's part of the parent club no matter what, and that you won't condescend or criticize, the more likely he is to loosen up and tell you when he does have challenges (which he will, everyone does). But right now, I think he's afraid for you to see him that way.

LOL. You actually believe the BS you just typed, don’t you? Astonishing.

(and yes, I’m a parent, so don’t bother with the predictable clapback)

[Anonymous]

You sound jealous.

Your friend might be more capable and not find having a baby that challenging.

[Anonymous]

My pregnancy for both kids were okay, no vomitting/nausera, no much pain on birth/contractions, and I had my mom to take care of me & baby everything for 1 month. Both of my kids slept through the night at 1.5 months for like from 8pm to 8am, no colic, happy and no blowout diapers etc. I missed when they were infant stages because I had no sleep deprivation and they were so cute. Now they are handful kids, and I am exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have a good friend from college that we've kept in regular touch with all these years. We got married and had kids soon after college, whereas he only recently settled down.

We did kind of grow apart when we had kids and he was still single - we still talked regularly and visited each other, but we were just in very different stages of life, so the connection was less deep. He didn't really get that we couldn't go on certain vacations or even for a night out, that we were sometimes too exhausted to talk on the phone in the evenings, etc. I was very excited when he announced they were expecting their first, to finally have parenthood in common.

As their pregnancy progressed, they were both extremely positive -- she is feeling great, no unpleasant symptoms, they've got lots of help lined up, they have zero worries about the newborn period, they've read everything and gotten all the right stuff, etc.

The baby was recently born, and it's more of the same - she's already sleeping perfectly (has to be woken up for feedings since she doesn't wake up herself), labor was very easy, grandparents are so helpful, everything is blissful and great.

I find it kind of annoying. When I had my kids, I just politely avoided any parents who would not talk about any challenges ever. I've always been open about the ups and downs of parenthood and sought out friends who were the same.

It also bears mentioning that my friend has always been pretty honest in talking about his jobs, life, family, etc. This baby situation is the first time he's acted smug. Should I just change the subject when he brings these things up? I want to stay friends, but the constant showing off is bothering me.

You had kids when you were young, had less money, maturity and support. He is an older, matured, intentional, supported, wiser, richer parent. Its just a very different experience. Also there are more services, information and gadgets are easily available to handle parental blues.

Be happy for him and don't compare.

[Anonymous]

Parenting in 2023 is very different than parenting in 2013.

[Anonymous]

This would drive me up the wall too, OP! Right up the wall! I think your feelings are valid.

Try doing a little bragging of your own? Whatever you love about your kids, talk about it! It might make you feel better.

Or just give him some feedback, make some quips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting in 2023 is very different than parenting in 2013.

Big Facts!!!

[Anonymous]

You had kids when you were younger and more entitled to meeeeee time. You probably had kids just to have them and didn’t think too deeply or bother learning about what you were getting into. The info was out there in 2013.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting in 2023 is very different than parenting in 2013.

In what ways?

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing if you were closer to the wife you’d hear more realistically about the struggles. My dh is over the moon with our baby and will tell anyone how great it is but doesn’t go into the nitty gritty of struggles because he’s so excited about the baby and much of the hardship falls on moms anyway. Someone asked my dh how the baby was sleeping and he said pretty good but he doesn’t even wake up with her because I’m breastfeeding! I think men tend to focus on the positive and miraculous about newborns and it’s cute but women are the ones running the gauntlet of pregnancy etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting in 2023 is very different than parenting in 2013.

Big Facts!!!

I don’t buy it, unless you are referring to kids in the social media/teen phase. Babies are babies.

[Anonymous]

1) You’re talking to dad. Not mom. Dad may not know all the gory details the same way that mom would.

2) Some people aren’t complainers … unlike yourself, apparently.

3) I don’t understand why you can’t just be polite? It’s not that hard. The tough stuff catches up with all of us eventually. Easy babies aren’t always easy toddlers, elementary kids, teens, or adults. Everyone has their struggles even if they don’t constantly complain about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people really do have easy newborns, and grandparent help, and easy labors. It sounds like they went in expecting the worst or at least being prepared for it and have been pleasantly surprised. That’s great! It doesn’t mean they won’t encounter challenges down the road, whether with sleep training or teenage drama. This is a single point in time and it’s still new for them.

It’s a bit twisted that we feel the need to reassure OP that her friend will have challenges ahead. OP, you are not a good friend, wishing them hardship.