Friend being smug about new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a pretty easy baby. But she was an accidental pregnancy and the guy dumped me a week after we found out, and having a baby caused a lot of upheaval in my life. So thank goodness she was easy. Some babies are just easy. She's been a pretty good teenager too so I count my blessings!

You're so smug. I would have wanted you to talk to me smelling like vomit and asking me to buy you a fancy changing table from pottery barn kids.

Lol. My ex deployed for up to nine months at a time, leaving me as the only adult. I don't think anyone envied me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just be happy for them, and let it go?

+1. Seriously. All this whining. He isn't smug. OP YOU are interpreting this as "smug" so you can crowdsource here. The issue is you, not him.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's just being honest about how easy this kid is, rather than being dramatic and complaining about an easy child. I'd much prefer the former.

Are you sure he's really being smug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. A lot of PPs seem to ignore that there's a wide range between constant complaining and smugness, and most people fall into this range. Most people are positive without going overboard to project perfection. No one likes complainers OR braggarts.

I also had easy babies and a great nanny. However, I did not hide the tougher moments (usually shared them as funny stories rather than complaints). I have met very few people who go out of their way to constantly highlight how perfect and wonderful everything is, and yes, they are annoying and I did not pursue those friendships further.

I don't want my friend to be miserable (??), I am happy for him. I wanted to get them a present, and he was like, "Well, we've got everything, (wife) has so many other mom friends, there's nothing we could possibly need." And it kind of went downhill from there.

I am open to your perspective but your examples aren't very convincing. He is smug because he didn't want to burden you with a gift?

It sounds like OP got offended when the guy said the baby didn’t need anything. My husband would have the thought the only things our baby needed was diapers. I cannot imagine Dh asking anyone for a gift. We have 3 kids now and he will always say our kids don’t need anything and that they have so much of everything. The kids and I will know they may need new pants or shoes or toys that they want. I would also never request this. It is just being polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of hate people like you op. When I went to moms group they turned it into a complaint fest. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my joy or good things that were happening with my babies.

Similarly when I was pregnant, people would ask me how I was and I seriously think it would have made them happy if I vomited nonstop and was having medical issues. When I said everything was fine, I had people daily telling me “just wait!” Or “you’re in for it soon!” But I wasn’t? I had 3 easy pregnancies that I didn’t talk about or gloat.

But hey I hate toddlers. They’re awful little demons in cute, chonky bodies. Any time I say anything even close to a complaint, people cut me off and tell me how wonderful they are. People support newborns way way way more than any other stage. Dh and I found that 0-12 weeks the best time in our lives.

And I sort of love you. "awful little demons in cute, chonky bodies". OMG You made me giggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who had just a difficult kid. She said the baby came out of the womb screaming and 10 years later is still difficult.

The husband convinced her to have another kid even though she didn’t want another and the second one is also hard but not as difficult as the first one.

I do not envy them.

Some people just have easy kids and others don’t.

[Anonymous]

It seems to be crazy important to OP that we all agree that this man is "smug."

I agree with whoever said her case isn't convincing. And this is about her internalization, not his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it IS easy? Not everyone's experience is the same as yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

DP here and the PP is being a troll, don't listen to them. I had one baby at 37 after delaying having kids (not to party but because I'm from an abusive family and didn't feel ready to be a "chain breaker" until then) and I was extremely lucky and got pregnant right away, and then had a healthy baby. But I also had an absolutely miserable pregnancy and PPD. I didn't complain about this to anyone but immediate family and very close friends, but my sister (who had three kids already) and one of my friends (also already with kids) lectured me about how I shouldn't complain because I was so fortunate that I could conceive at my age without help, and how I should think of all the people who can't, blah blah blah.

They were wrong. I had every right to complain about feeling physically sick for most of my pregnancy and having to go on bedrest towards the end, and anyone who deals with PPD gets to complain, it's horrible. Since having that experience, I have done a lot of reading on maternal mental health and the concept of the fourth trimester, and I actually think my PPD was made much worse because of lack of support in my innermost support circle, because the idea that you don't "deserve" to be unhappy can actually make depression significantly worse and is also what makes a lot of moms develop this martyrdom complex that only hurts themselves and others.

It's always a-ok to complain when you are struggling, at least to those closest to you. People who want to tell you that your feelings are invalid or that you have some kind of obligation to keep them inside are communicating toxic attitudes and probably have their own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he genuinely has an easy baby and everything else in their life is great too at this point. Why not just be happy for them?

This 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

DP here and the PP is being a troll, don't listen to them. I had one baby at 37 after delaying having kids (not to party but because I'm from an abusive family and didn't feel ready to be a "chain breaker" until then) and I was extremely lucky and got pregnant right away, and then had a healthy baby. But I also had an absolutely miserable pregnancy and PPD. I didn't complain about this to anyone but immediate family and very close friends, but my sister (who had three kids already) and one of my friends (also already with kids) lectured me about how I shouldn't complain because I was so fortunate that I could conceive at my age without help, and how I should think of all the people who can't, blah blah blah.

They were wrong. I had every right to complain about feeling physically sick for most of my pregnancy and having to go on bedrest towards the end, and anyone who deals with PPD gets to complain, it's horrible. Since having that experience, I have done a lot of reading on maternal mental health and the concept of the fourth trimester, and I actually think my PPD was made much worse because of lack of support in my innermost support circle, because the idea that you don't "deserve" to be unhappy can actually make depression significantly worse and is also what makes a lot of moms develop this martyrdom complex that only hurts themselves and others.

It's always a-ok to complain when you are struggling, at least to those closest to you. People who want to tell you that your feelings are invalid or that you have some kind of obligation to keep them inside are communicating toxic attitudes and probably have their own issues.

Thank you. I know what you say it’s true. I have to say that I was very lucky to never experience PPD with any of my kids.
My “close friends” never apologized for not being there for me and actually making me feel I could not turn to them for anything. I think it might have been because I was the first in my circle to have kids and perhaps they understand now.

Thankfully, not all of my friends were like that.