Friend being smug about new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

DP here and the PP is being a troll, don't listen to them. I had one baby at 37 after delaying having kids (not to party but because I'm from an abusive family and didn't feel ready to be a "chain breaker" until then) and I was extremely lucky and got pregnant right away, and then had a healthy baby. But I also had an absolutely miserable pregnancy and PPD. I didn't complain about this to anyone but immediate family and very close friends, but my sister (who had three kids already) and one of my friends (also already with kids) lectured me about how I shouldn't complain because I was so fortunate that I could conceive at my age without help, and how I should think of all the people who can't, blah blah blah.

They were wrong. I had every right to complain about feeling physically sick for most of my pregnancy and having to go on bedrest towards the end, and anyone who deals with PPD gets to complain, it's horrible. Since having that experience, I have done a lot of reading on maternal mental health and the concept of the fourth trimester, and I actually think my PPD was made much worse because of lack of support in my innermost support circle, because the idea that you don't "deserve" to be unhappy can actually make depression significantly worse and is also what makes a lot of moms develop this martyrdom complex that only hurts themselves and others.

It's always a-ok to complain when you are struggling, at least to those closest to you. People who want to tell you that your feelings are invalid or that you have some kind of obligation to keep them inside are communicating toxic attitudes and probably have their own issues.

Thank you. I know what you say it’s true. I have to say that I was very lucky to never experience PPD with any of my kids.
My “close friends” never apologized for not being there for me and actually making me feel I could not turn to them for anything. I think it might have been because I was the first in my circle to have kids and perhaps they understand now.

Thankfully, not all of my friends were like that.

I wonder what people expect or want from others. What kind of support? Someone telling a new mother that they should feel lucky to have a healthy baby doesn’t sound offensive.

I had a difficult pregnancy and a baby with genetic heart problems that required two surgeries in the first two months of life. I probably also had PPD. I didn’t expect or want support. I barely told anyone until after the fact. Many people didn’t even know I had so much difficulty. I cried most days of my maternity leave in and out of the hospital.

My friend has 2 kids and her sister constantly tells my friend she isn’t supportive. My friend has her own busy life and she thinks she does a lot for her sister. Some people are so needy. Yes, people don’t always say the perfect things. Move on.

Then there are people like OP who somehow get offended because a friend who is the father isn’t complaining about fatherhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just be happy for them, and let it go?

+1 Some babies are good sleepers. Should he lie about it so you can feel superior? I mean, it's clear you're looking for a "see, you didn't get it, and now you finally do" moment here, which is obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

DP here and the PP is being a troll, don't listen to them. I had one baby at 37 after delaying having kids (not to party but because I'm from an abusive family and didn't feel ready to be a "chain breaker" until then) and I was extremely lucky and got pregnant right away, and then had a healthy baby. But I also had an absolutely miserable pregnancy and PPD. I didn't complain about this to anyone but immediate family and very close friends, but my sister (who had three kids already) and one of my friends (also already with kids) lectured me about how I shouldn't complain because I was so fortunate that I could conceive at my age without help, and how I should think of all the people who can't, blah blah blah.

They were wrong. I had every right to complain about feeling physically sick for most of my pregnancy and having to go on bedrest towards the end, and anyone who deals with PPD gets to complain, it's horrible. Since having that experience, I have done a lot of reading on maternal mental health and the concept of the fourth trimester, and I actually think my PPD was made much worse because of lack of support in my innermost support circle, because the idea that you don't "deserve" to be unhappy can actually make depression significantly worse and is also what makes a lot of moms develop this martyrdom complex that only hurts themselves and others.

It's always a-ok to complain when you are struggling, at least to those closest to you. People who want to tell you that your feelings are invalid or that you have some kind of obligation to keep them inside are communicating toxic attitudes and probably have their own issues.

Thank you. I know what you say it’s true. I have to say that I was very lucky to never experience PPD with any of my kids.
My “close friends” never apologized for not being there for me and actually making me feel I could not turn to them for anything. I think it might have been because I was the first in my circle to have kids and perhaps they understand now.

Thankfully, not all of my friends were like that.

I wonder what people expect or want from others. What kind of support? Someone telling a new mother that they should feel lucky to have a healthy baby doesn’t sound offensive.

I had a difficult pregnancy and a baby with genetic heart problems that required two surgeries in the first two months of life. I probably also had PPD. I didn’t expect or want support. I barely told anyone until after the fact. Many people didn’t even know I had so much difficulty. I cried most days of my maternity leave in and out of the hospital.

My friend has 2 kids and her sister constantly tells my friend she isn’t supportive. My friend has her own busy life and she thinks she does a lot for her sister. Some people are so needy. Yes, people don’t always say the perfect things. Move on.

Then there are people like OP who somehow get offended because a friend who is the father isn’t complaining about fatherhood.

Sometime in the mid 1980's it became all right to stop taking responsibility for your own life and decisions. It is now fine to blame everyone else for your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

DP here and the PP is being a troll, don't listen to them. I had one baby at 37 after delaying having kids (not to party but because I'm from an abusive family and didn't feel ready to be a "chain breaker" until then) and I was extremely lucky and got pregnant right away, and then had a healthy baby. But I also had an absolutely miserable pregnancy and PPD. I didn't complain about this to anyone but immediate family and very close friends, but my sister (who had three kids already) and one of my friends (also already with kids) lectured me about how I shouldn't complain because I was so fortunate that I could conceive at my age without help, and how I should think of all the people who can't, blah blah blah.

They were wrong. I had every right to complain about feeling physically sick for most of my pregnancy and having to go on bedrest towards the end, and anyone who deals with PPD gets to complain, it's horrible. Since having that experience, I have done a lot of reading on maternal mental health and the concept of the fourth trimester, and I actually think my PPD was made much worse because of lack of support in my innermost support circle, because the idea that you don't "deserve" to be unhappy can actually make depression significantly worse and is also what makes a lot of moms develop this martyrdom complex that only hurts themselves and others.

It's always a-ok to complain when you are struggling, at least to those closest to you. People who want to tell you that your feelings are invalid or that you have some kind of obligation to keep them inside are communicating toxic attitudes and probably have their own issues.

Thank you. I know what you say it’s true. I have to say that I was very lucky to never experience PPD with any of my kids.
My “close friends” never apologized for not being there for me and actually making me feel I could not turn to them for anything. I think it might have been because I was the first in my circle to have kids and perhaps they understand now.

Thankfully, not all of my friends were like that.

I wonder what people expect or want from others. What kind of support? Someone telling a new mother that they should feel lucky to have a healthy baby doesn’t sound offensive.

I had a difficult pregnancy and a baby with genetic heart problems that required two surgeries in the first two months of life. I probably also had PPD. I didn’t expect or want support. I barely told anyone until after the fact. Many people didn’t even know I had so much difficulty. I cried most days of my maternity leave in and out of the hospital.

My friend has 2 kids and her sister constantly tells my friend she isn’t supportive. My friend has her own busy life and she thinks she does a lot for her sister. Some people are so needy. Yes, people don’t always say the perfect things. Move on.

Then there are people like OP who somehow get offended because a friend who is the father isn’t complaining about fatherhood.

Sometime in the mid 1980's it became all right to stop taking responsibility for your own life and decisions. It is now fine to blame everyone else for your problems.

People just lack perspective. They are far more comfortable taking and consuming resources than givning back.

[Anonymous]

Just smile and nod. He will learn.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is totally annoying. But just smile and say "that's wonderful!".

[Anonymous]

When parents-to-be ask me for advice, I always tell them to try to have one of those "easy babies" I hear so much about.

Good for this guy for doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

Both you and your friend seem overly entitled to me. WHy do you have to complain anyway? Just get a therapist or a write a blog and call it a day. Seriously, there are many resources for parents just use them

[Anonymous]

This was me. I wasn't hiding anything--we just had a REALLY easy first baby. Then we had our second 18 months later. I complained plenty then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me. I wasn't hiding anything--we just had a REALLY easy first baby. Then we had our second 18 months later. I complained plenty then!

This was me. We just had a REALLY hard path to parenthood so I was truly enamored by everything. It annoyed my friends, but they didn't walk my path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you mean by being smug. What does he do that bothers you? Does he say “having kids is so easy I don’t know what you were complaining about?”

In this case, just wait for the next phase or next baby. You know that no kid or family is always easy.
One of my closest friend was finally able to have her first (after years of IVF). I had my first 10 years ago and could not complain about anything with her because she kept telling me to think of single moms, or people having kids during wars. I bothered me so much, it hurt my feelings a lot and from my side, our friendship never completely recovered.

Her baby was easy at first and she was “smug”. Now he is not sleeping anymore and she complains and is always miserable. I empathize (unlike her with me), but secretly I am happy and hope she remembers how she treated me when I was in her shoes.

You do realize you are super privileged here, right?

In what way? I am lucky I am not a sigle mom and I don’t live in a war torn country. What else? I did not have family nearby to help, did not have huge amount of money to pay for help. It wasn’t easy, but of course there are always people that have it worse. What’s your point?

You chose to have a kid. and yes, you were not a single mom, and not in a war torn country, and you were presumably able to get pregnant w/o 10 years of IVF. Family does not owe you childcare and money for help is something you could have thought of before becoming a parent

And therefore I should have never complained to my friends that I was tired and baby was not sleeping, right? Which is exactly what my friend does now that she has a baby. I also should not be upset by the lack of empathy shown to me, right?

Ok. I guess my friend was lucky to have the money to pay for IVF so she could party until her mid 30s before looking for a husband.

I have friends who cannot afford IVF and will remain childless (barring a miracle)

Both you and your friend seem overly entitled to me. WHy do you have to complain anyway? Just get a therapist or a write a blog and call it a day. Seriously, there are many resources for parents just use them

Birds of a feather....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just be happy for them, and let it go?

+1. Seriously. All this whining. He isn't smug. OP YOU are interpreting this as "smug" so you can crowdsource here. The issue is you, not him.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having to wake the baby up is actually a problem…

This was the first thing I thought as I read the original post.
Like my mom said, small children are demanding and feel like a bother.
The ones who are not demanding and not a bother are the ones you really have to worry about.