Friendship breakups

[Anonymous]

I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. A number of times, often driven by insecurity. There was one friendship that I thought was going to last a lifetime. In hindsight, she was fine as long as she was superior to me. More affluent family of origin, more prestigious college, successful boyfriend that had promised to marry her by 25. We were great until she got dumped, I got into a competitive professional program, and then had the audacity to get engaged (to a man I met in that program) before her.

Years ago, I had a dream about her. It was a series of small comments, hurtful comments, she had made during our friendship. The sort of thing you would notice, but assume you were being overly sensitive about. When I woke up, I thanked my subconscious for showing me the light.

What a powerful gift from your subconscious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long-term friend that I realized was probably a histrionic narcissist. We finally 'broke up' when I put all the puzzle pieces together in terms of years of love-bombing, emotional manipulation, triangulation with peers, attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of boundaries. I had gotten into the friendship at a time when I was extremely low, and really didn't realize the relationship was so messed up until much later. Anyway, it sucked to disengage, but I had to leave after realizing how damaging the relationship was.

This sounds like someone who misuses or weaponizes therapy speak, like Jonah Hill.

https://www.deseret.com/2023/7/20/23792952/therapy-speak-weaponized

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a long-term friend that I realized was probably a histrionic narcissist. We finally 'broke up' when I put all the puzzle pieces together in terms of years of love-bombing, emotional manipulation, triangulation with peers, attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of boundaries. I had gotten into the friendship at a time when I was extremely low, and really didn't realize the relationship was so messed up until much later. Anyway, it sucked to disengage, but I had to leave after realizing how damaging the relationship was.

This sounds like someone who misuses or weaponizes therapy speak, like Jonah Hill.

https://www.deseret.com/2023/7/20/23792952/therapy-speak-weaponized

How do you see that being similar? Using terms from therapy doesn't mean they are being weaponized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a long-term friend that I realized was probably a histrionic narcissist. We finally 'broke up' when I put all the puzzle pieces together in terms of years of love-bombing, emotional manipulation, triangulation with peers, attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of boundaries. I had gotten into the friendship at a time when I was extremely low, and really didn't realize the relationship was so messed up until much later. Anyway, it sucked to disengage, but I had to leave after realizing how damaging the relationship was.

This sounds like someone who misuses or weaponizes therapy speak, like Jonah Hill.

https://www.deseret.com/2023/7/20/23792952/therapy-speak-weaponized

How do you see that being similar? Using terms from therapy doesn't mean they are being weaponized.

Its been my experience that anyone who jhust lists lots of items like this doesn't know what they mean and uses them just like he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. A number of times, often driven by insecurity. There was one friendship that I thought was going to last a lifetime. In hindsight, she was fine as long as she was superior to me. More affluent family of origin, more prestigious college, successful boyfriend that had promised to marry her by 25. We were great until she got dumped, I got into a competitive professional program, and then had the audacity to get engaged (to a man I met in that program) before her.

Years ago, I had a dream about her. It was a series of small comments, hurtful comments, she had made during our friendship. The sort of thing you would notice, but assume you were being overly sensitive about. When I woke up, I thanked my subconscious for showing me the light.

Female friendships often have a lot of this. It's very tricky because a lot of it is the kind of thing you'd have to crazy to get mad about on its own. People sometimes say insensitive things, are late, etc. It's normal and you can't get too upset about any of it because you know you do it too.

But I had a friendship like yours where over time it became clear that it was very important to her that she always just be a little better than me. She didn't want a friend so much as an acolyte. And all those little comments or rudenesses (just slightly putting down where I went to school or making a little joke about my outfit, showing up late without apologizing too many times to count, assuming I'll be available to help her with something without asking first, etc.) added up over time and made it clear that she didn't feel she owned me the same level of respect that I offered to her.

Of course when I started pulling away, she lashed out, accused me of being oversensitive, claimed I was the one being rude to her. She'd accuse me of stuff I wasn't doing (like saying mean things about her behind her back -- I went out of my way to keep my opinions about her to myself and stay neutral in conversations with mutual friends) and later I'd find out she was doing it. Eventually I found out her husband had trashed me all over the place, said horrible untrue things about me just to make me look bad. I am embarrassed to admit I still cared enough to be hurt. But with time, I can see how all of the behavior, from those little petty slights early on that I kept telling myself were not big deal, to her DH just going nuclear on me in the gossip mill, were all of a piece. It's all the same stuff. I don't think she ever really liked me as a person, I think she liked using me as a measuring stick for her own life and liked that she always felt just a teensy bit better than me. But in the end she showed herself to be significantly meaner and less mature, so oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a long-term friend that I realized was probably a histrionic narcissist. We finally 'broke up' when I put all the puzzle pieces together in terms of years of love-bombing, emotional manipulation, triangulation with peers, attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of boundaries. I had gotten into the friendship at a time when I was extremely low, and really didn't realize the relationship was so messed up until much later. Anyway, it sucked to disengage, but I had to leave after realizing how damaging the relationship was.

This sounds like someone who misuses or weaponizes therapy speak, like Jonah Hill.

https://www.deseret.com/2023/7/20/23792952/therapy-speak-weaponized

How do you see that being similar? Using terms from therapy doesn't mean they are being weaponized.

Its been my experience that anyone who jhust lists lots of items like this doesn't know what they mean and uses them just like he did.

sounds like a 'you' problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. A number of times, often driven by insecurity. There was one friendship that I thought was going to last a lifetime. In hindsight, she was fine as long as she was superior to me. More affluent family of origin, more prestigious college, successful boyfriend that had promised to marry her by 25. We were great until she got dumped, I got into a competitive professional program, and then had the audacity to get engaged (to a man I met in that program) before her.

Years ago, I had a dream about her. It was a series of small comments, hurtful comments, she had made during our friendship. The sort of thing you would notice, but assume you were being overly sensitive about. When I woke up, I thanked my subconscious for showing me the light.

Female friendships often have a lot of this. It's very tricky because a lot of it is the kind of thing you'd have to crazy to get mad about on its own. People sometimes say insensitive things, are late, etc. It's normal and you can't get too upset about any of it because you know you do it too.

But I had a friendship like yours where over time it became clear that it was very important to her that she always just be a little better than me. She didn't want a friend so much as an acolyte. And all those little comments or rudenesses (just slightly putting down where I went to school or making a little joke about my outfit, showing up late without apologizing too many times to count, assuming I'll be available to help her with something without asking first, etc.) added up over time and made it clear that she didn't feel she owned me the same level of respect that I offered to her.

Of course when I started pulling away, she lashed out, accused me of being oversensitive, claimed I was the one being rude to her. She'd accuse me of stuff I wasn't doing (like saying mean things about her behind her back -- I went out of my way to keep my opinions about her to myself and stay neutral in conversations with mutual friends) and later I'd find out she was doing it. Eventually I found out her husband had trashed me all over the place, said horrible untrue things about me just to make me look bad. I am embarrassed to admit I still cared enough to be hurt. But with time, I can see how all of the behavior, from those little petty slights early on that I kept telling myself were not big deal, to her DH just going nuclear on me in the gossip mill, were all of a piece. It's all the same stuff. I don't think she ever really liked me as a person, I think she liked using me as a measuring stick for her own life and liked that she always felt just a teensy bit better than me. But in the end she showed herself to be significantly meaner and less mature, so oh well.

guh yeah i hate that. things that you just cant quite get upset about because you feel like either you are overreacting, you've done something similar, or perhaps you're misreading. but they add up over time.

i'm sorry her husband was in on it too. that really kinda makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a long-term friend that I realized was probably a histrionic narcissist. We finally 'broke up' when I put all the puzzle pieces together in terms of years of love-bombing, emotional manipulation, triangulation with peers, attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of boundaries. I had gotten into the friendship at a time when I was extremely low, and really didn't realize the relationship was so messed up until much later. Anyway, it sucked to disengage, but I had to leave after realizing how damaging the relationship was.

This sounds like someone who misuses or weaponizes therapy speak, like Jonah Hill.

https://www.deseret.com/2023/7/20/23792952/therapy-speak-weaponized

How do you see that being similar? Using terms from therapy doesn't mean they are being weaponized.

Its been my experience that anyone who jhust lists lots of items like this doesn't know what they mean and uses them just like he did.

sounds like a 'you' problem.

Okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a lot of friend upheaval in my mid to late 30s because I realized that some of the people I thought were close friends thought of me more as a supporting cast member in the TV show that is their life. I had a few friends who I think had cast me in roles like "neighbor always available to help out" or "school mom who agrees with me about education principles." The problem with being cast in a role like that is that they want you to show up in that way, every day, for the duration of your relationship. So if one day you say "I'm so sorry -- work is crazy right now and I don't have time to watch your kids today," or "I don't know, I think the 1st grade teacher has been pretty good," they don't want to be your friend anymore because there's no room in the relationship for you to be a person who can make choices or have other priorities. This is the story of their life, remember? You're supposed to show up and deliver your lines and then you basically cease to exist when not on screen.

I purged these friends in my late 30s and never looked back. At first it felt sad but the further I get from it, the more I appreciate my actual friends who don't have these narrow expectations and get that I'm a whole person with my own stuff. And I realize I was never going to get what I needed from those friends.

God, this is so accurate. I remember after a while with someone feeling like I was trotted out at parties to play some role, the quirky one or something. I also had a couple of friends who would contact me at their lowest times but not when they were just doing regular activities. That got old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a lot of friend upheaval in my mid to late 30s because I realized that some of the people I thought were close friends thought of me more as a supporting cast member in the TV show that is their life. I had a few friends who I think had cast me in roles like "neighbor always available to help out" or "school mom who agrees with me about education principles." The problem with being cast in a role like that is that they want you to show up in that way, every day, for the duration of your relationship. So if one day you say "I'm so sorry -- work is crazy right now and I don't have time to watch your kids today," or "I don't know, I think the 1st grade teacher has been pretty good," they don't want to be your friend anymore because there's no room in the relationship for you to be a person who can make choices or have other priorities. This is the story of their life, remember? You're supposed to show up and deliver your lines and then you basically cease to exist when not on screen.

I purged these friends in my late 30s and never looked back. At first it felt sad but the further I get from it, the more I appreciate my actual friends who don't have these narrow expectations and get that I'm a whole person with my own stuff. And I realize I was never going to get what I needed from those friends.

God, this is so accurate. I remember after a while with someone feeling like I was trotted out at parties to play some role, the quirky one or something. I also had a couple of friends who would contact me at their lowest times but not when they were just doing regular activities. That got old.

A friend once got mad at me for deciding to grow my hair long because "you're my friend with short hair!" WTF, we're not the cast of Sex and the City, weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes friends turn out to not as good friends as we hope they will be. I have a neighborhood mom friend that I am learning has always been more of a drinking buddy and not an actual friend. Over the past few months I’ve cut way down on drinking and I have been on weight loss and exercise plan that is going really well. It’s been a slow process but I’ve lost 10 pounds and I feel great. My friend has NOT reacted well to it. She makes snarky comments about it just about every time I see her. She also talks negatively about it to mutual friends of ours. I am getting to the point where I am going to say something about it instead of awkwardly laughing it off. It’s disappointing because I thought she was a good friend, so it makes me sad that she is so strongly opposed to me taking steps to improve myself. I know it’s rooted in jealousy and her feelings about herself. I know I need to say something in a nice way that gets the message across, but I don’t think it will go over well. If it doesn’t I will likely have to just distance myself from her. I am a middle age woman- I am too old for people in my life who try to bring me down instead of lifting me up and encouraging me to be my best.

When I quit drinking in my late 20s, I lost all my friends. I was shocked because I thought, oh, they'll want to make this healthy choice too! We'll do it together! For some people, drinking is a very big part of their identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just broke up with a friend who now is posting a lot about me in the DCUM Relationship Discussion Board, with lots of identifying information. So that's fun.

Details! Dish!

I thought with time we could figure it out but her behavior is really closing that door. I didn't really realize over the years how much she truly hated me. It has made me wonder why in hell she was friends with me if she thought so little of me. Why did she never say anything?

Why do people maintain friendships with people they secretly despise?

Frenemies, yes. I have never understood this. I don't understand the point of pretending to be friends while you do nothing but criticize each other and talk $hit behind one another's backs. What is the point? Just go be your own person.