Friendship breakups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to ghost a longtime close friend from college. We had so many great times and laughs together through college and in our twenties as we lived in the same area. We were bridesmaids for each other and had playdates for our kids. Then she and her husband ended up getting a divorce when he cheated on her and she wouldn't forgive him.

The problem was that my husband and this man have become close friends themselves. They work in the same field, and her now-ex is very prominent and well-connected. So it would be professional suicide for my husband to take her side or even to remain neutral. My former friend couldn't believe that anyone who knew what happened would choose her ex over her, and was furious with me for not making my husband stop associating with her ex.

It got to the point where we just couldn't maintain my friendship with her and our close connection with her ex, so I had to drop her. It's not just that he is too valuable a friend and associate for my husband. It's that she played her own part in his cheating by getting too emotional over things we all face and deal with, like her father passing away in this case just as she finished her first trimester for her second kid. She was a mess emotionally and then let herself go while he just became more successful and magnetic. it was similar to what happened to Jeff Bezos's wife where he had a glow-up and she couldn't keep pace. So he found someone who was much more fun and who would look at him now but wouldn't have back then. When I tried to explain this to my now-former friend, she blew up at me and I just don't need that toxicity in my life. So yes friendships have seasons, and sometimes you have to shed the old one to maximize the new one's benefits.

Omg. You’re horrible.

You are.

I am dumbfounded at the horribleness of this person. A bit of luck for your ex-friend, I say, not to be associated with you ever again.

[Anonymous]

That can’t be a real post. No way someone that much of a jerk is also that self aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

It's exhausting and also a good reason why I think it's worth it invest in family, whether that's your family of origin or getting married or having kids or staying close with your cousins or all of the above. I have friends and I care about them (but notably, I have male and female friends and no "girl group" which I think helps minimize the worst behavior) but at the end of the day people can claim all they want that friends will really be there for you but it's family who actually shows up. "Found family" sounds great but actual family is better.

You're going to get blown up but I agree with you--there's something more solid and enduring about familial ties vs. constantly choosing to connect again and again with friends.

You're both assuming people have the option of close, healthy family relationships. Or, you know that's not always the case, and it's easier to put the blame on those who don't (can't, really), invest in family. Consider yourselves lucky, invest in the relationships that matter to you, and don't judge others who do things differently. It's often out of necessity.

P.S. - the few close girlfriends in whom I've chosen to invest, have been there for me time and again, as I have for them. Choosing my family of origin over them would be deeply foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to ghost a longtime close friend from college. We had so many great times and laughs together through college and in our twenties as we lived in the same area. We were bridesmaids for each other and had playdates for our kids. Then she and her husband ended up getting a divorce when he cheated on her and she wouldn't forgive him.

The problem was that my husband and this man have become close friends themselves. They work in the same field, and her now-ex is very prominent and well-connected. So it would be professional suicide for my husband to take her side or even to remain neutral. My former friend couldn't believe that anyone who knew what happened would choose her ex over her, and was furious with me for not making my husband stop associating with her ex.

It got to the point where we just couldn't maintain my friendship with her and our close connection with her ex, so I had to drop her. It's not just that he is too valuable a friend and associate for my husband. It's that she played her own part in his cheating by getting too emotional over things we all face and deal with, like her father passing away in this case just as she finished her first trimester for her second kid. She was a mess emotionally and then let herself go while he just became more successful and magnetic. it was similar to what happened to Jeff Bezos's wife where he had a glow-up and she couldn't keep pace. So he found someone who was much more fun and who would look at him now but wouldn't have back then. When I tried to explain this to my now-former friend, she blew up at me and I just don't need that toxicity in my life. So yes friendships have seasons, and sometimes you have to shed the old one to maximize the new one's benefits.

Wow, you are awful.

[Anonymous]

No, you are not, but I’m not miserable.

I just figure it’s good to know who your real friends are and who they aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

It's exhausting and also a good reason why I think it's worth it invest in family, whether that's your family of origin or getting married or having kids or staying close with your cousins or all of the above. I have friends and I care about them (but notably, I have male and female friends and no "girl group" which I think helps minimize the worst behavior) but at the end of the day people can claim all they want that friends will really be there for you but it's family who actually shows up. "Found family" sounds great but actual family is better.

You're going to get blown up but I agree with you--there's something more solid and enduring about familial ties vs. constantly choosing to connect again and again with friends.

You're both assuming people have the option of close, healthy family relationships. Or, you know that's not always the case, and it's easier to put the blame on those who don't (can't, really), invest in family. Consider yourselves lucky, invest in the relationships that matter to you, and don't judge others who do things differently. It's often out of necessity.

P.S. - the few close girlfriends in whom I've chosen to invest, have been there for me time and again, as I have for them. Choosing my family of origin over them would be deeply foolish.

I'm the PP who originally said that I think family trumps friendship, and actually I have a pretty awful family of origin and barely have a relationship with them. I had an abusive childhood and as an adult, I 100% set out to find my "found family" and rejected the idea that blood ties trumped friends, who were the only people who had ever been nice to me.

But over time I realized that friendship alone was not enough. For starters, most of my friends have family who winds up being a priority for them over friendships. I know they care for me, but their family is closer and more signficant to them (which is how it's supposed to be -- it's not their fault my family sucks). Some of the challenges I had with friends when I was younger were due to me trying to turn friendships into family-like relationships and it just doesn't work. Friends aren't family, the ties are more fragile.

Life got better for me when I created my own family, not out of friends, but by getting married and having a kid. My marriage also gave me another family, my in-laws, who I was initially very suspicious of (you would be too if you grew up like me) but I've come to really appreciate. My MIL and I have a special bond, and my DH has two aunts who I've come to really adore and have really helped fill the hole in my life where an older generation of family should go.

I still have friends, including some longtime friends I've known for nearly 20 years and am close to. But they aren't family. Also, they all have their own family ties that I know trump our friendship if push comes to shove. Creating real family ties is really essential as you get older. I just don't think friendship on its own can cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I've taken to having just a few very close friends that come and go from my life over the years. I don't have time in the day to deal with some of the petty stuff described here.

It's exhausting and also a good reason why I think it's worth it invest in family, whether that's your family of origin or getting married or having kids or staying close with your cousins or all of the above. I have friends and I care about them (but notably, I have male and female friends and no "girl group" which I think helps minimize the worst behavior) but at the end of the day people can claim all they want that friends will really be there for you but it's family who actually shows up. "Found family" sounds great but actual family is better.

You're going to get blown up but I agree with you--there's something more solid and enduring about familial ties vs. constantly choosing to connect again and again with friends.

You're both assuming people have the option of close, healthy family relationships. Or, you know that's not always the case, and it's easier to put the blame on those who don't (can't, really), invest in family. Consider yourselves lucky, invest in the relationships that matter to you, and don't judge others who do things differently. It's often out of necessity.

P.S. - the few close girlfriends in whom I've chosen to invest, have been there for me time and again, as I have for them. Choosing my family of origin over them would be deeply foolish.

I'm the PP who originally said that I think family trumps friendship, and actually I have a pretty awful family of origin and barely have a relationship with them. I had an abusive childhood and as an adult, I 100% set out to find my "found family" and rejected the idea that blood ties trumped friends, who were the only people who had ever been nice to me.

But over time I realized that friendship alone was not enough. For starters, most of my friends have family who winds up being a priority for them over friendships. I know they care for me, but their family is closer and more signficant to them (which is how it's supposed to be -- it's not their fault my family sucks). Some of the challenges I had with friends when I was younger were due to me trying to turn friendships into family-like relationships and it just doesn't work. Friends aren't family, the ties are more fragile.

Life got better for me when I created my own family, not out of friends, but by getting married and having a kid. My marriage also gave me another family, my in-laws, who I was initially very suspicious of (you would be too if you grew up like me) but I've come to really appreciate. My MIL and I have a special bond, and my DH has two aunts who I've come to really adore and have really helped fill the hole in my life where an older generation of family should go.

I still have friends, including some longtime friends I've known for nearly 20 years and am close to. But they aren't family. Also, they all have their own family ties that I know trump our friendship if push comes to shove. Creating real family ties is really essential as you get older. I just don't think friendship on its own can cut it.

You have the option of family through in-laws. Again, not everyone has that. So while friendship may not cut it *for you*, it truly is the only option some of us have. I won the lottery with a wonderful DH and the three best kids ever - but I don’t rely on my kids for emotional support. Cousins on my side? Keep me at arm’s length because of my sibling’s dysfunction. I had a close aunt; she died 15 years ago, much too early. Immediate in-laws? Well-meaning but too emotionally immature to provide real support. More distant in-laws? None local, though we make an effort to see one cousin and her family when nearby.

I know my friends aren’t true family. But when they are literally all I have for the kind of support I’d otherwise have from siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. - what other choice is there? We make the best with what we have. I’m lucky to have these friends and put a lot into sustaining them. Again, making the best with what I have. We all have different resources, PP.