Friendship breakups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had two of these and both times it was the fault of my mother and Facebook.
First time a friend was throwing me a baby shower. I confessed to my mother that I was nervous about the whole thing and wished she wouldn't do it at all. My mother took it upon herself to private message my friend asking her to cancel the party. My friend was insulted, sent me an email calling me ungrateful and despite my explanation the friendship was over.
Second time I didn't invite a friend's family to my kid's birthday party since she was super Covid cautious and I didn't want to deal with her judgment. My mom couldn't resist posting photos of the party on Facebook despite me asking her not to. My friend thought I was irresponsible for throwing an outdoor party "during a global pandemic" and was ALSO insulted she wasn't invited....Friendship over.

Your mom sounds exactly like mine. I complained to my mom about my freshman college roommate, and without my knowledge she wrote to the housing dept. to get my room switched. It caused all kinds of chaos. A few years ago I was 6 weeks pregnant and I asked my mom not to tell anyone at our family reunion. Within minutes, around 50 people came up to congratulate me. It's just all about her and what she wants, no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me I am not the only woman in her mid-40s who has had a recent friend breakup. My best friend has gone completely no contact and I am miserable.

Did something happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendships have seasons. I had a small friend group when our kids were in the same school, we walked together every morning, etc. and we were just naturally in each other’s orbit quite a bit. We’ve drifted as our kids have gotten older and their paths separated, and then Covid sealed it. We are warm when we see each other but it is rare. I guess ghosting is a different issue, but I guarantee there’s something going on in their life that they are either too ashamed to share, or they’re just in the thick of it and gave no bandwidth or are depressed.

My best friend from college ghosted me in our thirties and I was crushed. We reconnected later when Facebook first became a thing and she apologized and acknowledged that she was very depressed, as a result of certain things going on in her life. I doubt it’s personal, OP - but I know it’s very painful, and I’m so sorry.

Oh, she didn’t ghost me. She asked me never to contact her again. I had messed up and apologized—groveled even—but it was never good enough. Things were blown completely out of proportion. She accused me of wild things.

To the above, this was me, OP.

[Anonymous]

I have a few very wonderful and mature women friends, my best friends I've known for 30 years.

A lot of people I thought were longterm friend material turned out not to be so. I got divorced and it's quite interesting how people react. Some blame you/side with ex due to strange expectations for women. Bless their hearts and move on. It's sad but that's life, I'm learning.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes friends turn out to not as good friends as we hope they will be. I have a neighborhood mom friend that I am learning has always been more of a drinking buddy and not an actual friend. Over the past few months I’ve cut way down on drinking and I have been on weight loss and exercise plan that is going really well. It’s been a slow process but I’ve lost 10 pounds and I feel great. My friend has NOT reacted well to it. She makes snarky comments about it just about every time I see her. She also talks negatively about it to mutual friends of ours. I am getting to the point where I am going to say something about it instead of awkwardly laughing it off. It’s disappointing because I thought she was a good friend, so it makes me sad that she is so strongly opposed to me taking steps to improve myself. I know it’s rooted in jealousy and her feelings about herself. I know I need to say something in a nice way that gets the message across, but I don’t think it will go over well. If it doesn’t I will likely have to just distance myself from her. I am a middle age woman- I am too old for people in my life who try to bring me down instead of lifting me up and encouraging me to be my best.

[Anonymous]

I had a lot of friend upheaval in my mid to late 30s because I realized that some of the people I thought were close friends thought of me more as a supporting cast member in the TV show that is their life. I had a few friends who I think had cast me in roles like "neighbor always available to help out" or "school mom who agrees with me about education principles." The problem with being cast in a role like that is that they want you to show up in that way, every day, for the duration of your relationship. So if one day you say "I'm so sorry -- work is crazy right now and I don't have time to watch your kids today," or "I don't know, I think the 1st grade teacher has been pretty good," they don't want to be your friend anymore because there's no room in the relationship for you to be a person who can make choices or have other priorities. This is the story of their life, remember? You're supposed to show up and deliver your lines and then you basically cease to exist when not on screen.

I purged these friends in my late 30s and never looked back. At first it felt sad but the further I get from it, the more I appreciate my actual friends who don't have these narrow expectations and get that I'm a whole person with my own stuff. And I realize I was never going to get what I needed from those friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a lot of friend upheaval in my mid to late 30s because I realized that some of the people I thought were close friends thought of me more as a supporting cast member in the TV show that is their life. I had a few friends who I think had cast me in roles like "neighbor always available to help out" or "school mom who agrees with me about education principles." The problem with being cast in a role like that is that they want you to show up in that way, every day, for the duration of your relationship. So if one day you say "I'm so sorry -- work is crazy right now and I don't have time to watch your kids today," or "I don't know, I think the 1st grade teacher has been pretty good," they don't want to be your friend anymore because there's no room in the relationship for you to be a person who can make choices or have other priorities. This is the story of their life, remember? You're supposed to show up and deliver your lines and then you basically cease to exist when not on screen.

I purged these friends in my late 30s and never looked back. At first it felt sad but the further I get from it, the more I appreciate my actual friends who don't have these narrow expectations and get that I'm a whole person with my own stuff. And I realize I was never going to get what I needed from those friends.

This is a fascinating take and I agree, although couldn't put it so astutely. It's like people pigeon-hole you as a type that works for them, with no regard to reality or gasp, what works for you. And when you don't play to type they are very, very unhappy with that.

I matured quite a bit after having DD later in life, which allowed (nay forced) me to set boundaries with people in my life. Woo boy did I lose some friends. It made me sad that I had put up with something I couldn't even see for so long, but it felt very good to be honest about what I could give and what I couldn't. Shocker, many of these folks just moved on and got what they needed elsewhere. It was a good lesson for me.

[Anonymous]

I distance myself from people who are extremely self centered/self serving. I am a very giving/supportive friend in a relationship. Lately I seem to be attracting takers who are not there for me, when I need them. I am disappointed with people who use the information you’ve shared with them, to manipulate friendship dynamics in a group setting. Learning to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

I had one on accident. I stood a friend up because I completely forgot about a coffee date. She was understandably hurt. I apologized profusely over the phone. She needed some space after, I think. I kept meaning to write her a letter apologizing and I meant to ask her to hang again. Covid hit soon after. Two years after this, I was diagnosed with ADHD. She never initiate contact again and I never reached out because I was embarrassed and I really didn't know what to say. It seems so stupid now.

All these words
All you *had* to do was invite her, again. And show up. A specific date/time. Not, "we should get together ... crap"
Action. Action is all that matters. Not endless apologizing

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you have a revelation. The relationship is not what you had always imagined it to be. Not that the person is different than you imagined or even at fault, but the relationship is not what you imagined it to be. I was feeling a recent slight and it led me to do a deep dive into past emails. She would send out a mass email, an announcement. Almost a press release. I would reply with a personalized response just to her. Trying to see her, which was rare because to distance, was due to my efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Oh, she didn’t ghost me. She asked me never to contact her again. I had messed up and apologized—groveled even—but it was never good enough. Things were blown completely out of proportion. She accused me of wild things.

we want the details! share!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I distance myself from people who are extremely self centered/self serving. I am a very giving/supportive friend in a relationship. Lately I seem to be attracting takers who are not there for me, when I need them. I am disappointed with people who use the information you’ve shared with them, to manipulate friendship dynamics in a group setting. Learning to navigate this.

I resonate with this a lot. Specifically with respect to one longtime friend to whom I have given a lot of support through multiple crises. In the past year or so I have become more and more aware of the imbalance between how much this friend focuses on herself and how little she seems to be interested in me and how I am doing. Our friendship mainly revolves around her getting support from me. I am feeling pretty strongly that I don't want the friendship to continue, or at least that I want to take a break for a while.

For those who have been in a similar situation: did you tell the friend? did you try to make things better, or just "break up"? Or did you just stop responding to requests and invitations?

[Anonymous]

Yup. A number of times, often driven by insecurity. There was one friendship that I thought was going to last a lifetime. In hindsight, she was fine as long as she was superior to me. More affluent family of origin, more prestigious college, successful boyfriend that had promised to marry her by 25. We were great until she got dumped, I got into a competitive professional program, and then had the audacity to get engaged (to a man I met in that program) before her.

Years ago, I had a dream about her. It was a series of small comments, hurtful comments, she had made during our friendship. The sort of thing you would notice, but assume you were being overly sensitive about. When I woke up, I thanked my subconscious for showing me the light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I distance myself from people who are extremely self centered/self serving. I am a very giving/supportive friend in a relationship. Lately I seem to be attracting takers who are not there for me, when I need them. I am disappointed with people who use the information you’ve shared with them, to manipulate friendship dynamics in a group setting. Learning to navigate this.

I resonate with this a lot. Specifically with respect to one longtime friend to whom I have given a lot of support through multiple crises. In the past year or so I have become more and more aware of the imbalance between how much this friend focuses on herself and how little she seems to be interested in me and how I am doing. Our friendship mainly revolves around her getting support from me. I am feeling pretty strongly that I don't want the friendship to continue, or at least that I want to take a break for a while.

For those who have been in a similar situation: did you tell the friend? did you try to make things better, or just "break up"? Or did you just stop responding to requests and invitations?

wow this was me. she was the one who broke up with me in the end, but i should have known not to ask her for support.

[Anonymous]

I had a long-term friend that I realized was probably a histrionic narcissist. We finally 'broke up' when I put all the puzzle pieces together in terms of years of love-bombing, emotional manipulation, triangulation with peers, attention-seeking behaviors, and lack of boundaries. I had gotten into the friendship at a time when I was extremely low, and really didn't realize the relationship was so messed up until much later. Anyway, it sucked to disengage, but I had to leave after realizing how damaging the relationship was.