Friendship breakups

[Anonymous]

Please tell me I am not the only woman in her mid-40s who has had a recent friend breakup. My best friend has gone completely no contact and I am miserable.

[Anonymous]

I'm 48 and I had one that occurred gradually over the past few years. I had a close friend who became very right wing (she was previously moderate to liberal) after she met and married a very conservative, loud mouthed guy. She took on all of his opinions and interests, became a Trump supporter, started carrying a gun in her purse, etc. There wasn't a big blow-up-we just had less and less in common. She also moved out of state. Recently she was back in the area and I invited her out for dinner (after basically having no contact for the past year) and within an hour she brought up political stuff. It was very awkward. This was a friend I had for about 15 years. I felt and still feel awful about it but people grow apart.

[Anonymous]

I had one in my mid-30s that was worse than any romantic breakup I've ever experienced.

That was when I realized that most friendships aren't really cut out for longevity. I am fortunate to have a few other friendships that have stood up for decades, and I don't take them for granted. But the vast majority of friends we have in life, we'll grow apart from.

[Anonymous]

I had one on accident. I stood a friend up because I completely forgot about a coffee date. She was understandably hurt. I apologized profusely over the phone. She needed some space after, I think. I kept meaning to write her a letter apologizing and I meant to ask her to hang again. Covid hit soon after. Two years after this, I was diagnosed with ADHD. She never initiate contact again and I never reached out because I was embarrassed and I really didn't know what to say. It seems so stupid now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one on accident. I stood a friend up because I completely forgot about a coffee date. She was understandably hurt. I apologized profusely over the phone. She needed some space after, I think. I kept meaning to write her a letter apologizing and I meant to ask her to hang again. Covid hit soon after. Two years after this, I was diagnosed with ADHD. She never initiate contact again and I never reached out because I was embarrassed and I really didn't know what to say. It seems so stupid now.

* I just mention this because I am less hard on myself now for messing up in this way. I was juggling a lot. And I think she would've benefitted from knowing this, and knowing it wasn't because I didn't care, but mostly because my brain sucks.

[Anonymous]

I had two of these and both times it was the fault of my mother and Facebook.
First time a friend was throwing me a baby shower. I confessed to my mother that I was nervous about the whole thing and wished she wouldn't do it at all. My mother took it upon herself to private message my friend asking her to cancel the party. My friend was insulted, sent me an email calling me ungrateful and despite my explanation the friendship was over.
Second time I didn't invite a friend's family to my kid's birthday party since she was super Covid cautious and I didn't want to deal with her judgment. My mom couldn't resist posting photos of the party on Facebook despite me asking her not to. My friend thought I was irresponsible for throwing an outdoor party "during a global pandemic" and was ALSO insulted she wasn't invited....Friendship over.

[Anonymous]

Friendships have seasons and some die. I had three bridesmaids, two lifelong friends, and one my BFF from college with whom I’d been friends with at that point for over a decade. Had a falling out/drift away from the latter - I moved away from where we had lived/gone to college for work after getting married in my early 30s. She did not reach out much, but we still talked/texted a few times per year. I got pregnant and had a baby, I had to miss her wedding due to being 40 weeks pregnant and the wedding being an 8hr drive from my location. I sent flowers, paid for a chunk of the bachelorette I did not attend when I really had no money, continued to reach out. I had bad postpartum depression. She sent a gift when the baby was born but never called me or checked in on me. It really hurt. Final straw was I found out she was about 45 mins away from where we moved visiting her husbands family and did not tell me or reach out or anything. I was depressed with an infant in a place I did not know many people. That was when the friendship was dead to me. I was never cold to her when we interacted randomly after that but I just did not care about her other than nostalgia from the past. She had a series of bad life choices/events in her mid 30s to early 40s and basically has no friends to support her at this point. I feel for her but meh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had two of these and both times it was the fault of my mother and Facebook.
First time a friend was throwing me a baby shower. I confessed to my mother that I was nervous about the whole thing and wished she wouldn't do it at all. My mother took it upon herself to private message my friend asking her to cancel the party. My friend was insulted, sent me an email calling me ungrateful and despite my explanation the friendship was over.
Second time I didn't invite a friend's family to my kid's birthday party since she was super Covid cautious and I didn't want to deal with her judgment. My mom couldn't resist posting photos of the party on Facebook despite me asking her not to. My friend thought I was irresponsible for throwing an outdoor party "during a global pandemic" and was ALSO insulted she wasn't invited....Friendship over.

Wow OP, no disrespect to your Mother at all but she was very clueless in what she did.

I would have been outraged at my own Mother if she had done all of that! 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one in my mid-30s that was worse than any romantic breakup I've ever experienced.

That was when I realized that most friendships aren't really cut out for longevity. I am fortunate to have a few other friendships that have stood up for decades, and I don't take them for granted. But the vast majority of friends we have in life, we'll grow apart from.

I think this primarily describes female friendships sadly. From observing my DH’s friend circle (many he’s been friends with for over 30 years) I see men’s relationships aren’t as deep and expectations are much lower, but that means they don’t have the drama in their friendships that women do. I have never heard a man wonder if he should do a slow fade or ghost a friend he was having conflict with. They may keep a distance for awhile, but 9 times out of 10, there are no long-term hard feelings and the door is open for them to become buddies again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me I am not the only woman in her mid-40s who has had a recent friend breakup. My best friend has gone completely no contact and I am miserable.

Same OP. I lost a friend and finally able to fill that void and move on. I will always miss her and think how stupid we let our friendship die.

[Anonymous]

Friendships have seasons. I had a small friend group when our kids were in the same school, we walked together every morning, etc. and we were just naturally in each other’s orbit quite a bit. We’ve drifted as our kids have gotten older and their paths separated, and then Covid sealed it. We are warm when we see each other but it is rare. I guess ghosting is a different issue, but I guarantee there’s something going on in their life that they are either too ashamed to share, or they’re just in the thick of it and gave no bandwidth or are depressed.

My best friend from college ghosted me in our thirties and I was crushed. We reconnected later when Facebook first became a thing and she apologized and acknowledged that she was very depressed, as a result of certain things going on in her life. I doubt it’s personal, OP - but I know it’s very painful, and I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I have friends that have lasted for nearly 40 years at this point. I feel very lucky. But I’ve broken up with three (women) friends and had one ghost me (a couple, where I was first friends with the guy). With the three women, all three were hitting on my partner, at various times and in various ways. One kept making DH cookies, which he doesn’t even like (I did!). Another badmouthed me to my then-boyfriend during a car ride with just the two of them (boyfriend told me). The third showered DH with compliments that were always formulated as a competition between DH and me: “wow, you drive so much better and cook so much better than she does! And you’re so much funnier. Oh and I love your choice of colors, whereas hers are so predictable.” These are basically all direct quotes. All three women have been single their whole lives, now in their mid forties to early fifties. At first I felt bad for them for being lonely but then I realized they were not very nice people.

The guy friend ghosted me, which I kind of deserved. I was in a very disorganized period of life and missed a couple of get togethers or canceled at the last minute. I think his now wife had a hand in the end of the friendship.

All this to say, there’s almost always a pattern of behavior and then a specific event that breaks the camel’s back.

[Anonymous]

You’re not alone, OP. I had a friendship breakup this year, also in my mid-40s, that I never would have predicted. She and her family moved away and she chose, on two occasions, not to say goodbye (“we’ll be here X more days”) and then never did. I’m too old for that crap.

That experiences led me to focus more deeply on the wonderful friends I *do* have - one from childhood (40+ years!), another that is 12+ years, a few more that I nurture and which feel very mutual.

While many friendships have seasons, some can and do endure, with some luck and a lot of intention. My girlfriends mean so much to me and I make sure they know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friendships have seasons. I had a small friend group when our kids were in the same school, we walked together every morning, etc. and we were just naturally in each other’s orbit quite a bit. We’ve drifted as our kids have gotten older and their paths separated, and then Covid sealed it. We are warm when we see each other but it is rare. I guess ghosting is a different issue, but I guarantee there’s something going on in their life that they are either too ashamed to share, or they’re just in the thick of it and gave no bandwidth or are depressed.

My best friend from college ghosted me in our thirties and I was crushed. We reconnected later when Facebook first became a thing and she apologized and acknowledged that she was very depressed, as a result of certain things going on in her life. I doubt it’s personal, OP - but I know it’s very painful, and I’m so sorry.

Oh, she didn’t ghost me. She asked me never to contact her again. I had messed up and apologized—groveled even—but it was never good enough. Things were blown completely out of proportion. She accused me of wild things.

[Anonymous]

My BFF basically ghosted me after her second divorce. She lives in a different state.

I’m married with kids. She is single and childless.