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[quote=Anonymous]OP - please see that YOU have agency here and YOU need to make decisions that align with what you want and what is best for you and your family.

Your own actions are creating cognitive dissonance- because you are acting committed towards a man (and continuing to engage in behavior - spending time, having sex etc - that strengthens attachment) without the base level mutual agreement about what container the relationship is.

You are confusing yourself because your actions are out of alignment with what you say you want.  Don’t cede your agency over your own life and actions.  Stop sleeping with him and attaching to him.  Only when you expect more for yourself will you stop letting in people who are only “partially right” for you.  You like the feel good parts of this connection, but he’s not the only dude who you can feel that about.

Stop telling yourself that what you have is so rare and special - this narrative / storyline is making it harder for you to let go and see that it’s not really what you want.  What about “I am capable of intimacy and will meet men who are at my level”?

Also - you are two grown adults.  Agreeing on what your relationship is a basic, threshold topic.  Your desire to talk about this openly is normal.  A person who really wants to be with you will make that clear - in words and actions.

Have you thought that perhaps YOU have “commitment issues” (ie don’t want something more serious than what you have) because you are continuing to be with him?    [/quote]

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