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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The qualities that make a good, stable husband and father are not, unfortunately, the qualities that women - by and large - find sexually desirable.

You are not going to encourage him to be an exciting bad boy - to attract the attention of other women and make you jealous, to spend time and money on things that make him attractive, to be unreliable in a way that creates exciting emotional swings. These things are all destabilizing to family life.

So, I don't know - read some erotica, use some toys, learn how to get your own motor running and then be intentional about using that energy on your husband. [/quote]

Here is the answer, right here. I hate to say it. I am in my mid 30s, married for ten years, with a dead sex life. We have sex twice a week but I may or may not come, don’t find it super enjoyable, etc. My husband overall is decently nice tho- nice person, nice husband, but little self confidence and not a whole lot of outside the box thinking. Sex is vanilla and about function vs. pleasure. He has complained that because I am not in the mood often enough, essentially, I am the one killing our sex life. It takes me a lot to “get going” with him, lots of lube, etc. always fantasizing.

Well a couple of months ago, out at the bar, met a guy….did not go all the way or even close to it but let me tell you I haven’t been that wet in a decade. Sorry- judge me all you want.

I read something on DCUM last night- guys kill the relationship, but blame women for lack of intimacy.

I have never cheated on DH in our decade together but finally feeling free and open, I am reevaluating everything. Whether this means a divorce or not, who knows right now. But I also understand it has to do with stable, boring guys means that they don’t bring much excitement to the sexual table. But for years I thought it was solely a me problem.

Hang in there. I don’t think it’s you. [/quote]

As a stable boring vanilla guy like your DH, I’m mad and sad on his behalf. I bet he knows he’s not exciting in bed. Unlike him, I’ve been cheated on, more than once, and told it’s because she needed something more exciting. He’s probably not sure whether you have or not, and all this makes him sad. I’m mad on his behalf since this is half *your* problem. What can you do to help him be more what you want? He’s probably teachable. But in my experience women don’t want to put effort into training a guy, they just want him to be good or they’ll move on. And it’s not like you can get classes in this stuff. [/quote]

I am the poster above you and it’s not half the wife’s problem- it’s all her problem.  Of course getting new partners will make sex more enjoyable.  Of course stability and boredom and the little resentments of life make sex less interesting.  This is so obvious and not a solution to feeling uninterested in sex.  I feel that too and I still want sex with my stable boring husband with his limited sexual repertoire.  If I want something new I tell him.  If I want something a certain way I tell him.  But ultimately I want sex with him on my own without anything particular from him because I love him and I love being intimate with him.[/quote]

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