when the grandparents leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

Probably MALE scientists!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

I don't know of any ancient grandparents. Most people still become grandparents around 60-65, which coincides nicely with their retirement. My friends who had kids when their parents were in their 50s really struggled as they didn't receive any help at all because their parents were still working. My mom had me at 30 and I had all 3 kids 30-35, which seems average.

Considering people are living until their 90s, 10-15 years of being hands on grandparents at 60 isn't a big deal.

Isn't a big deal to whom?

So grandparents should spend their active, healthy years being hands-on with their grandchildren, after which they are pretty much in assisted living and nursing homes?

Yes that seems to be the view of the younger generation who also believe that their grandparents should skip a generation and give them all of the inheritance money.

Basically their parents are relegated to servitude in their retirement years. I’m glad my kids have no such expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

Probably MALE scientists!

Bratty kid scientists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this talk of how grandparents used to be is selective or skewed memory. In my family there has been no involved grandparents for the 2 generations I'm aware of. Silent generation or the Boomers.

On the other hand, I have one friend whose parents want to still be the parents of the kids and grandkids. Drives my friend (and her husband) nuts.

Frankly, I think it's a case where most people want something that doesn't or rarely exists.

Anecdotal stories here doesn't make it a trend. Just evidence that it happens in every generation.

+1. Also, most people are only aware of their own family dynamics and *maybe* their close friends' family dynamics. So those in this thread claiming "grandparents were more involved a generation ago" are really only speaking about their own experience or the experience of a few of their friends, not an entire generation.

I'm a millennial w/ Boomer parents and silent generation grandparents. One set of grandparents was local but we rarely saw them and they were not involved at all in childcare. One set of grandparents wasn't local so we traveled to see them a few times a year and they traveled to see us a few times a year but they didn't provide childcare and we didn't have particularly close relationships with them. Now that I think of it, only one of my friends growing up had local grandparents and they were the type who'd come over for Sunday dinner but otherwise they were not involved. In my social circle now, a lot of people have local parents/grandparents who are involved w/ their kids so I'd be likely to say "grandparents these days are much more involved than they were when I was a kid" even though I know that's just based on a few people in my social circle and doesn't describe the whole generation.

[Anonymous]

" ... if at all." Op, stop with the dramatics. Why say you won't see them at all? So, I'll offer you a suggestion, imo. How about this: Once a year have your entire family fly to them, stay in a hotel. Can you afford that? In not, tell them what you need money-wise to make that happen. They can consider the money you need to make it happen an early (inheritance) gift. They can keep track of it, if they'd like. Next, YOU and you alone can visit them. A couple times a year. Again -- hotel. But if they are capable of traveling, they should also come visit you and your family -- again-- hotel. It would be nice if it were an equal effort. Give the adjustment a couple of years before letting the visit frequency become an issue between you.

Re: your kids missing out on knowing/spending time with Grandparents. Yes. Yes that will be the case. Don't sour the relationship -that is- because of what you wish it would be. Build loving relationships with those who are available.

[Anonymous]

I’m lucky in that my dad, when he was a boy, has wonderful memories of his grandfather and he is doing his best so that my kids have similar memories. He lives nearby most of the year and I can’t imagine him packing up and moving away permanently. When I was growing up we didn’t live near my grandparents and I never had that same connection that my dad has with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Not only do grandparents tend to be older now, what is seen as good parenting has become more and more intensive over time. This means that
1. Current grandparents are happier to be out of the parenting role because they did more for and with their kids than their parents had to do. Many of the current grandparents were the first in the family with the mom working and raising kids, no wonder they are tired.
2. It also means that it’s harder for grandparents to take care of todays kids. My mom sent us to grandma’s house for the weekend, but my grandma didn’t have to watch us as intensely as kids get now. We’d go play in The neighborhood; much easier for my grandma, who in Todays world might be expected to play games and engage the kids the whole time.

3. Also means that todays parents need more help because this expectation of intensive parenting is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only do grandparents tend to be older now, what is seen as good parenting has become more and more intensive over time. This means that
1. Current grandparents are happier to be out of the parenting role because they did more for and with their kids than their parents had to do. Many of the current grandparents were the first in the family with the mom working and raising kids, no wonder they are tired.
2. It also means that it’s harder for grandparents to take care of todays kids. My mom sent us to grandma’s house for the weekend, but my grandma didn’t have to watch us as intensely as kids get now. We’d go play in The neighborhood; much easier for my grandma, who in Todays world might be expected to play games and engage the kids the whole time.

3. Also means that todays parents need more help because this expectation of intensive parenting is really hard.

X1000! Kidnappings are incredibly rare today compared to the 1980s but parents today are enraged at the thought 5yos+ playing outside by themselves.

My grandmother was the same way. She had things to do in the house so as kids we were turned outside after breakfast and then after lunch to play. And we had a blast. We didn’t need adults or technology to engage us because we had imaginations.

Also, read this forum and the million posts about how incompetent older people are. It’s amazing the complaints fellow Millenials have about their parents but then in the same breath whine that their parents won’t help care for grandkids.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law and her husband moved across country about a year after our oldest DS was born.

She is definitely not close with our kids at all, but the distance isn't why. It's her choice. If the COL really is lower where they are moving, then if they and you really want them to have close relationships with your children, it can be done. In many ways, it's a benefit because you'll have people to visit in hopefully a nice location that is different from where you live. We visit MIL (stay in a hotel, arrange our own transportation, meals, etc. so as not to be a burden) regularly and enjoy the opportunity to visit where she lives as it's very nice.

[Anonymous]

Op, no matter where the ILs move to, you can build some memories. Favorite places, special things your own family likes to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

DH repeatedly tells our two early 20-something kids that he will live near them when they have families. If they live in different spots, then he will split time between them. Clearly I am also part of the plan, but he never hesitates to tell them about his free sitting service.

[Anonymous]

I think young couples are helped with assurance that we, grandparents, can be there to help. DH and I have babysat our newborn Grandchild dozens of times. His parents/My parents did not. That was ok too. It never would have occurred to us to think of them as "lesser" Grandparents. They loved their grandchildren. We knew that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

I have actually read articles about the reduction in "caring hormones" in women at menopause and how women are less inclined to care for others after spending decades doing so as a result of that reduction.

I would love a side thread on this. Either way it lands would be fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only do grandparents tend to be older now, what is seen as good parenting has become more and more intensive over time. This means that
1. Current grandparents are happier to be out of the parenting role because they did more for and with their kids than their parents had to do. Many of the current grandparents were the first in the family with the mom working and raising kids, no wonder they are tired.
2. It also means that it’s harder for grandparents to take care of todays kids. My mom sent us to grandma’s house for the weekend, but my grandma didn’t have to watch us as intensely as kids get now. We’d go play in The neighborhood; much easier for my grandma, who in Todays world might be expected to play games and engage the kids the whole time.

3. Also means that todays parents need more help because this expectation of intensive parenting is really hard.

X1000! Kidnappings are incredibly rare today compared to the 1980s but parents today are enraged at the thought 5yos+ playing outside by themselves.

My grandmother was the same way. She had things to do in the house so as kids we were turned outside after breakfast and then after lunch to play. And we had a blast. We didn’t need adults or technology to engage us because we had imaginations.

Also, read this forum and the million posts about how incompetent older people are. It’s amazing the complaints fellow Millenials have about their parents but then in the same breath whine that their parents won’t help care for grandkids.

Yea I think the issue is sort of you reap what you sow. Like I know exactly how much help my mom provided and I’ll return the favor. And it wasn’t insignificant! But I owe her a couple weeks here and there about 5 times. And not for any emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

So sad. My dad passed away 5 years ago and he was sooooo involved and loved to be with his grandsons (5 grandkids). He was on the sidelines of all of their sports' games, came to school events, talked to them about all kinds of things. Bonded over the love of history with my oldest and sports trivia with the youngest. He always was there to make them laugh. My mom was at the games too and did all kinds of arts and crafts with them, baked with them, etc. They took them to the movies when they were younger, etc.

My own grandparents were over 6 hours a way and we only saw them once a year. I see the difference in relationships and I am really thankful my kids had the monthly sleepovers with my mom and dad.

I am really sad my dad missed the teen years with my boys because they were so incredibly close to him and he really made a huge difference in their lives for the better.