when the grandparents leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

I'm not talking about regular caregiving, I'm talking about being uninterested in 3 hour stints on the weekend, or the occasional twice a year overnight, and not offering to come by and hang out with kids once and awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

As a PP mentioned, grandparents are typically older today than they were when many of us were growing up. Grandparents are also often still working in some capacity so they don’t have as much available time for babysitting. Parenting practices today are also in some ways much more extreme than practices when our parents were raising us. Whether it’s the no tv for a longer period, the foods that are now considered off limits, the more rigid schedules, or simply the level of oversight from the parents themselves. I see so many people managing every detail of their kids time with their grandparents. Our parents just dropped and left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

I don't know of any ancient grandparents. Most people still become grandparents around 60-65, which coincides nicely with their retirement. My friends who had kids when their parents were in their 50s really struggled as they didn't receive any help at all because their parents were still working. My mom had me at 30 and I had all 3 kids 30-35, which seems average.

Considering people are living until their 90s, 10-15 years of being hands on grandparents at 60 isn't a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and in-laws always lived close by but we still didn’t see them often, and neither set were the grandparents we thought they’d be. I think that generation liked the idea of being grandparents and being able to show their friends pictures of the grandkids, but not the actual role itself.

Yes, exactly this.

+2

It's all about bragging rights, for better or worse, OP.

+3 We got a lot of demands, and no help whatsoever. Ever.

My mil was obsessed with having grandchildren. She pushed and pushed and once we had them, they had no interest.

My ils live less than an hour away. My family is a plane ride away. My ils never saw our kids. They like to travel and before a big trip would send us a message that they wanted to come by on a specific date and time just to get pictures to show their friends when they travelled. If the time didn't work for us they would not consider another time. They never got to know our kids. My mom, who I was never close to, went out of her way to visit and is close with our kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster above and we never wanted the grandparents to babysit. We just hoped they'd visit and get to know the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

I have actually read articles about the reduction in "caring hormones" in women at menopause and how women are less inclined to care for others after spending decades doing so as a result of that reduction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

I don't know of any ancient grandparents. Most people still become grandparents around 60-65, which coincides nicely with their retirement. My friends who had kids when their parents were in their 50s really struggled as they didn't receive any help at all because their parents were still working. My mom had me at 30 and I had all 3 kids 30-35, which seems average.

Considering people are living until their 90s, 10-15 years of being hands on grandparents at 60 isn't a big deal.

Isn't a big deal to whom?

So grandparents should spend their active, healthy years being hands-on with their grandchildren, after which they are pretty much in assisted living and nursing homes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

Yea, because 1) many women didn’t work outside of the home so continuing to take care of children was expected. 2) Grandparents were MUCH younger - as in early 40s-early 50s.

That is no longer the case. Are you really so ignorant to not being aware that since the early 80s most women work outside the home? And that aside from the very few, most people do not retire before 62 or really 65 due to Medicare?

Times have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

+1 Who are all these people that grew up in the same town as their grandparents? As a kid, no one I knew had local grandparents. All of our parents went to college and moved out of their hometowns for their careers.

[Anonymous]

For half the year my parents live close to all their kids and grandkids and the other half of the year they are in Florida. They do return for the holidays and we visit them once a season. My kids adore them and they adore my kids and when they leave, which will be soon, everyone is sad. But with winter weather and the kids in school I certainly understand their desire to head to where it’s warm. I am very happy that there is no way on the planet that they’d live in FL year round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

This. We’re nearly 60 with kids in their early 20’s. They are just starting out in life and I would imagine that they’ll want to be established before they start having children of their own. My guess is we’ll be pushing 70 by the time we have grandchildren.

That’s too old to be dealing with tantrums and stomach bugs. It’s not too old to do things like a family cruise or visit. We’ll definitely be in their lives but we won’t be doing heavy duty childcare for them.

Luckily, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t expect that anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my parents are moving cross country, away from their kids and young grandkids, who currently all reside within a 50 mile radius. ostensibly to retire to a lower COL place and ‘enjoy life.’ they live an expensive lifestyle and could have just downsized here. my own relationship with them has been strained over the years, but I do feel sad for the grandkids. it feels a bit like mourning their deaths as I don’t expect we’ll see each other much if at all. hoping to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

Why is ' enjoy life' in quotes. You don't believe they are allowed?

[Anonymous]

All this talk of how grandparents used to be is selective or skewed memory. In my family there has been no involved grandparents for the 2 generations I'm aware of. Silent generation or the Boomers.

On the other hand, I have one friend whose parents want to still be the parents of the kids and grandkids. Drives my friend (and her husband) nuts.

Frankly, I think it's a case where most people want something that doesn't or rarely exists.

Anecdotal stories here doesn't make it a trend. Just evidence that it happens in every generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

I have actually read articles about the reduction in "caring hormones" in women at menopause and how women are less inclined to care for others after spending decades doing so as a result of that reduction.

You go from caring for your own children to caring for elderly parents then you’re supposed to care for your grandchildren and next thing you know you need to help your spouse through .

You learn that you have to take care of yourself too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents moved to Florida when I was around 12, and I was devastated. I remember crying so hard because my other grandparents lived in Florida, and we’d visited them once in my life.

Why didn’t you visit more?