when the grandparents leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my parents are moving cross country, away from their kids and young grandkids, who currently all reside within a 50 mile radius. ostensibly to retire to a lower COL place and ‘enjoy life.’ they live an expensive lifestyle and could have just downsized here. my own relationship with them has been strained over the years, but I do feel sad for the grandkids. it feels a bit like mourning their deaths as I don’t expect we’ll see each other much if at all. hoping to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

Is it a place they have always wanted to live?

We came here for jobs and when we retire we want to move to a climate that is better for us and where we have some family and friends. Are we supposed to suck it up, again, and stay because our children are here? They are at the beginning of their careers and no long term partner in sight. Who knows if they will stay in the area. Is it ok if we leave, since there are no grandchildren

Won't you miss seeing your kids? They may not prioritize visiting you when they have so little vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they always wanted to live in Florida and never got the chance. When you are retired, hopefully your kids are independent and you can decide which of the bucket lists items are still within your reach. I’ve had two people close to me recently unexpectedly pass in their early 60s, both from cancer. One was going to retire at the end of the year; the other had two years of retirement. Your grandchildren will be fine. Mine died before I was 8. Nuclear family matters most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they always wanted to live in Florida and never got the chance. When you are retired, hopefully your kids are independent and you can decide which of the bucket lists items are still within your reach. I’ve had two people close to me recently unexpectedly pass in their early 60s, both from cancer. One was going to retire at the end of the year; the other had two years of retirement. Your grandchildren will be fine. Mine died before I was 8. Nuclear family matters most.

*My grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my parents are moving cross country, away from their kids and young grandkids, who currently all reside within a 50 mile radius. ostensibly to retire to a lower COL place and ‘enjoy life.’ they live an expensive lifestyle and could have just downsized here. my own relationship with them has been strained over the years, but I do feel sad for the grandkids. it feels a bit like mourning their deaths as I don’t expect we’ll see each other much if at all. hoping to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

Is it a place they have always wanted to live?

We came here for jobs and when we retire we want to move to a climate that is better for us and where we have some family and friends. Are we supposed to suck it up, again, and stay because our children are here? They are at the beginning of their careers and no long term partner in sight. Who knows if they will stay in the area. Is it ok if we leave, since there are no grandchildren

Won't you miss seeing your kids? They may not prioritize visiting you when they have so little vacation time.

DP here. It’s a two-way street now. We go to visit DS twice a year and he visits us for Christmas or when he is nearby on business. The key is keeping regular communication and retiring in a nice place close to a major airport (with nonstop flights).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.

+1 Who are all these people that grew up in the same town as their grandparents? As a kid, no one I knew had local grandparents. All of our parents went to college and moved out of their hometowns for their careers.

+2. Both DH and I moved from our home cities for educational and job opportunities. My parents had done the same and my grandparents before them. No one had grands nearby until my sister moved back to my home city purposely to have my parents help care for her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my parents are moving cross country, away from their kids and young grandkids, who currently all reside within a 50 mile radius. ostensibly to retire to a lower COL place and ‘enjoy life.’ they live an expensive lifestyle and could have just downsized here. my own relationship with them has been strained over the years, but I do feel sad for the grandkids. it feels a bit like mourning their deaths as I don’t expect we’ll see each other much if at all. hoping to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

Is it a place they have always wanted to live?

We came here for jobs and when we retire we want to move to a climate that is better for us and where we have some family and friends. Are we supposed to suck it up, again, and stay because our children are here? They are at the beginning of their careers and no long term partner in sight. Who knows if they will stay in the area. Is it ok if we leave, since there are no grandchildren

Won't you miss seeing your kids? They may not prioritize visiting you when they have so little vacation time.

DP here. It’s a two-way street now. We go to visit DS twice a year and he visits us for Christmas or when he is nearby on business. The key is keeping regular communication and retiring in a nice place close to a major airport (with nonstop flights).

Careful. This two-way street thing works if you’re healthy. If you get sick it’ll be a major pain.

And I advise your kids to allow you to bear the burden of choosing to age so far from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my parents are moving cross country, away from their kids and young grandkids, who currently all reside within a 50 mile radius. ostensibly to retire to a lower COL place and ‘enjoy life.’ they live an expensive lifestyle and could have just downsized here. my own relationship with them has been strained over the years, but I do feel sad for the grandkids. it feels a bit like mourning their deaths as I don’t expect we’ll see each other much if at all. hoping to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

Is it a place they have always wanted to live?

We came here for jobs and when we retire we want to move to a climate that is better for us and where we have some family and friends. Are we supposed to suck it up, again, and stay because our children are here? They are at the beginning of their careers and no long term partner in sight. Who knows if they will stay in the area. Is it ok if we leave, since there are no grandchildren

Won't you miss seeing your kids? They may not prioritize visiting you when they have so little vacation time.

DP here. It’s a two-way street now. We go to visit DS twice a year and he visits us for Christmas or when he is nearby on business. The key is keeping regular communication and retiring in a nice place close to a major airport (with nonstop flights).

Careful. This two-way street thing works if you’re healthy. If you get sick it’ll be a major pain.

And I advise your kids to allow you to bear the burden of choosing to age so far from them.

He moved away from us and his hometown so I’m sure he is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were a grandparent of the kids of a DCUM mom I’d never want to help any of you either. You’re all so nasty when it comes to your parents. You don’t deserve their help.

!!
Here you have it folks!

[Anonymous]

My paternal grandparent's moved south after retirement, in 1970. Their children lived in three different places at the time and all three moved to a different part of the country at least once after my grandparents moved. Eventually, two (my two Uncles) moved to northern Virginia. So, my grandparents moved closer to them when they were in their 80’s. One Uncle ended up moving south after retirement, my grandmother was still alive (she lived to 99).

My parents moved south after retirement, they never lived in the DMV. After my mom died and my father got sick with what was his last illness, we moved him to our house.

No one expected the grandparents to provide ongoing care. It just wasn’t a thing.

Everyone needs to figure out their own lives and no one is guaranteed to stay in one place.