when the grandparents leave

[Anonymous]

my parents are moving cross country, away from their kids and young grandkids, who currently all reside within a 50 mile radius. ostensibly to retire to a lower COL place and ‘enjoy life.’ they live an expensive lifestyle and could have just downsized here. my own relationship with them has been strained over the years, but I do feel sad for the grandkids. it feels a bit like mourning their deaths as I don’t expect we’ll see each other much if at all. hoping to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

[Anonymous]

Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. All of my kids grandparents live far away and have minimal interest in their grandkids, even now that the kids are older. There was never a request or expectation on our part that grandparents would be involved in caregiving, so that was not the issue. They just have their own lives and interests, and unfortunately we are not part of those. It’s hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

Grandparents were younger when we were growing up

[Anonymous]

My grandparents moved to Florida when I was around 12, and I was devastated. I remember crying so hard because my other grandparents lived in Florida, and we’d visited them once in my life.

[Anonymous]

How old are your parents? Are they currently healthy? When one of them gets sick, do they have a plan? I am in my 60’s and everyone I know (UMC) helps with the grandchildren, maybe not 5 days a week, but weekends and get always for the couple.

[Anonymous]

My parents and in-laws always lived close by but we still didn’t see them often, and neither set were the grandparents we thought they’d be. I think that generation liked the idea of being grandparents and being able to show their friends pictures of the grandkids, but not the actual role itself.

[Anonymous]

I escaped my overbearing parents to another continent and my kids have never known what it's like to have grandparents nearby, since my in-laws live abroad. I didn't either, since my 4 grandparents also lived in different countries.

Point is: you and your kids can live a happy life without that bond. There might be a transition period where your kids will miss them, but usually as kids grow, they need their relatives less and their friends more. YOU are the relative who matters to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and in-laws always lived close by but we still didn’t see them often, and neither set were the grandparents we thought they’d be. I think that generation liked the idea of being grandparents and being able to show their friends pictures of the grandkids, but not the actual role itself.

Yes, exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and in-laws always lived close by but we still didn’t see them often, and neither set were the grandparents we thought they’d be. I think that generation liked the idea of being grandparents and being able to show their friends pictures of the grandkids, but not the actual role itself.

Yes, exactly this.

+2

It's all about bragging rights, for better or worse, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

DP here. Agree the parents want memories, and some grandparents look to be offended at the slightest - such as parents wanting their kids to participate in an activity the grandparent is doing with the other grandkids. Some grandparents are not good grandparents, because they were not very good at parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

Disagree. I actually have read articles where scientists hypothesize that menopause is so that human women have time to focus on their grandchildren and helping them (ensuring that their family line goes on) instead of continuing to have children. Most mammals don't have menopause.

It might not be the role of grandparents now to take care of grandkids, but don't pretend that wasn't their role for centuries. Not to 100% babysit grandkids, but to assist and help while the moms did the major chores and had babies.

I've seen a lot of grandparents arrive right after a new grandchild's birth, take lots of photos, expect for the new mom and dad to cook for them and host them in their guest room, entertain them, and then they leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems there's a rise of grandparents who really don't want to take care of little kids, even just for a weekend. At least this is what I'm seeing a lot in my various circles. They're more tired and less tolerant than what I remember grandparents being like when I was a kid.

Do you think they want to more fully check out, or at least give themselves a simpler reason to not be involved?

It’s not their role to take care of little kids. That’s the role of parents.

And of course this generation of grandparents are more tired. Retirement ages have pushed back significantly. Gone are the days of retirement pay starting between 50-55. And when their kids don’t start having kids until they are late 30s, grandparents are much older too.

I agree it's not their responsibility, but it is something parents want - for the break & help, but also for their kids to have memories. So there's resentment if the grandparents are lackluster about fulfilling what was a typical grandparent's role 30 years ago.

Grandparents also seem less embracing of common parenting practices and methods these days which also doesn't help.

This feels like a really outdated perspective. Most people I know don't live near their parents, and their parents are older. I know relatively few families where grandparents have been involved in caregiving on a regular basis.