trouble adjusting to college

[Anonymous]

I could have written this last year. It took mine until Spring to really find her groove.
Your encouragement to study in the library is a good idea. Also:
If he has a class before lunch, ask someone to go to lunch.
If he's getting to go food, eat in the lounge, not the room
If in the room, prop door open
Keep going to the clubs. Those relationships will take some time but will come
Club sports?
He's doing all the right things texting people. Tell him not to give up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

Anecdotally, some of the kids who were happiest in high school have the hardest adjustment because they miss their close friend group. It’s the starting over that is hard.

Well perhaps. But multiple posters in this thread refer to their student being shy or having similar issues in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this last year. It took mine until Spring to really find her groove.
Your encouragement to study in the library is a good idea. Also:
If he has a class before lunch, ask someone to go to lunch.
If he's getting to go food, eat in the lounge, not the room
If in the room, prop door open
Keep going to the clubs. Those relationships will take some time but will come
Club sports?
He's doing all the right things texting people. Tell him not to give up!

+1 It really does take longer than you think and longer than it did when we were in school.

Agree with getting an on-campus job or really any activity that meets a couple times a week or more. Could be an exercise class, a rec sport (see if there is a list of teams that have an open spot), theater or music group. For me, it was college choir meeting 3x a week that let me get to know people. One of my kids plays in two band groups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just spoke to DS, who just started his first year of college.

It is clear from our weekly calls that he hasn’t found a groove yet. He doesn’t love his classes, they are mostly intro classes and taught lecture style which isn’t getting him engaged. He says his roommate is nice but that doesn’t seem to be turning into a friendship. Apparently no one on his hall seems to socialize.

He has met some kids he likes, but they also don’t seem to be turning into regular friendships. He has tried a few clubs and is going to the weekly meetings, but it isn’t turning into friendships. I asked about intramurals, and he said you need to sign up with a group and he doesn’t have anyone to ask (nor was asked).

He said he eats lunch alone most days, gets it from a to go place on campus vs the dining halls. I asked if he is eating dinner with his roommate or anyone, and it sounds like sometimes yes, sometimes no. He said he’ll text people to see who is getting dinner and will join if it works out, but it doesn’t sound like others are checking in with him for meals.

He told us tonight that on the two days of the week when he only has one class, he said it is especially lonely bc he’ll basically go all day without seeing anyone. My heart broke. I suggested - study at the library, check in with people for meals, etc, but he brushed me off.

He has always been shy and has had trouble connecting with peers. He and we hoped college would be a fresh start, but so far much of them same.

I’d appreciate any advice. I do realize it is only 5 weeks into the school year. He is at a medium sized private college, not a huge university.

Not sure if someone has already mentioned this but he needs to volunteer to help these organizations in some way, not just attend the meetings. If there is a mixer, sign up to set up the mixer. If there is an activity, volunteer to help the organizer put it together. That further effort is how I met some of my college friends.
I know it's tough

[Anonymous]

My DC took a full semester and a half to get settled. It is definitely hard finding new friends. They had all the same experiences, feeling lonely, eating alone, feeling like they were the only one without a friend group, they even thought of transferring (as if that would help!). I advised them to keep trying, and give it one more semester. The second semester really helped and they found their tribe. All the previous advice is spot on... keep trying, keep going to clubs, sign up to Do Something for the club - the next welcome event, the fundraiser, the communications, etc. Also, midterms are coming up, have him connect with one person in each class to have a study buddy or small study group (even if he doesn't need it).

[Anonymous]

Another thing to look into 2nd semester if still not making progress is to see if the counseling center offers anything to help students connect. It's too early for that now but my kid's college counseling center offered groups for students who felt they needed more support socially, starting after winter break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

Anecdotally, some of the kids who were happiest in high school have the hardest adjustment because they miss their close friend group. It’s the starting over that is hard.

Well perhaps. But multiple posters in this thread refer to their student being shy or having similar issues in high school.

One of my kids crashed and burned in college, partly because he was extremely lonely and was unable to make any connections during his first year. In his case, COVID played a huge role, but that doesn't mean that the PP's advice about encouraging high school kids to venture out of their comfort zone to form connections isn't worthwhile. It's never too early to start. While I hope that the isolation kids experienced during COVID will not happen again, I learned that you never know what the future holds. I deeply regret not pushing my son early in high school, which left him in a particularly vulnerable state when the pandemic came along.

I also think that it's a fantastic idea for RAs to promote connections between their residents. Based on my experience with multiple kids, I don't think this is common. One of my kids wound up joining a fraternity for the reasons others have mentioned - it was hard to make connections only through class and clubs. I think that athletes have a natural advantage when it comes to finding a friend group; it's much more difficult for other activities that aren't as structured.

Everyone always says, "join clubs," but I hear of so many kids who don't find their people through clubs at college. It it really that easy?

I agree with the PP who said that if things haven't improved by next semester, you need to monitor the situation carefully and perhaps encourage your kid to seek out other support. Academic success and social connectedness go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why a lot of guys join fraternities. Rush probably over now, but he could try in spring. The thing to do now is find rankings and target the lower houses, if he’s shy and mellow. People have an image of what fraternities are, but in reality there is a whole range of them.

There are also professional fraternities, but at DS’s school they are much more competitive. But you can also absolutely join both.

Agree! Join a fraternity if possible.

[Anonymous]

Some like to rail against athletes and frats and such, and state that it should only be about "academics."

College is also about socialization and meeting / co-existing with different people - in an academic environment.

Athletics ( even if only club) and social organizations like fraternities and sororities create a built-in social network.

[Anonymous]

My freshman son just got a job at the Starbucks on campus twice a week. He likes the kids he works with because they aren’t “entitled a-holes.” They are work study kids. A few live in his dorm and some upperclassman has a car so they went with him to Target and to lunch this past weekend. He says he sometimes eats lunch with those coworkers and goes to the gym with one or two of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

Anecdotally, some of the kids who were happiest in high school have the hardest adjustment because they miss their close friend group. It’s the starting over that is hard.

Agree with this. My introvert son has had a surprisingly easy transition to college. We moved between his 8th grade and freshman year in HS, and I remember making friends was slow and took time. As I was reading this thread, I was thinking that experience must have helped a *lot.*

It’s hard, but one piece of advice I’d have is for the parent to be supportive and make suggestions if they bring it up, but back off otherwise. I know when our DC was in HS, our well-meaning questions about whether he had made any friends just put more pressure on him and made him feel worse. We stopped asking and let him do his thing, and he made friends on his own schedule. When he would mention a friend, we would just react normally, but then my DH and I would sneak away to high five each other. He eventually found his people and ended up with a great group of friends by graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

Anecdotally, some of the kids who were happiest in high school have the hardest adjustment because they miss their close friend group. It’s the starting over that is hard.

Agree with this. My introvert son has had a surprisingly easy transition to college. We moved between his 8th grade and freshman year in HS, and I remember making friends was slow and took time. As I was reading this thread, I was thinking that experience must have helped a *lot.*

It’s hard, but one piece of advice I’d have is for the parent to be supportive and make suggestions if they bring it up, but back off otherwise. I know when our DC was in HS, our well-meaning questions about whether he had made any friends just put more pressure on him and made him feel worse. We stopped asking and let him do his thing, and he made friends on his own schedule. When he would mention a friend, we would just react normally, but then my DH and I would sneak away to high five each other. He eventually found his people and ended up with a great group of friends by graduation.

That probably did help a lot. DD is a freshman and the first couple weeks were really hard. She's had the same two BFFs since 2nd grade. She grew and shifted friend groups in MS and again in HS but through it all the core was these two BFFs. They all chose intentionally to NOT go to college together. In encouraging DD to work through the discomfort I had to reflect all the way back to 1st grade when she didn't feel like she had any friends in school but, after I talked with her teacher, was moved to sit with a couple girls who became friendly enough for the year. The next year she met her BFFs. I told her what you need in those first few months of colleges are "friendly enough" for now. I think kids can put too much pressure on themselves to make their "best friends for life!" at the start of college and that's not reality for most kids. She's a month in and seems to have a friendly-enough mix of kids that came together pretty quickly after a couple sad/disconnected weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this last year. It took mine until Spring to really find her groove.
Your encouragement to study in the library is a good idea. Also:
If he has a class before lunch, ask someone to go to lunch.
If he's getting to go food, eat in the lounge, not the room
If in the room, prop door open
Keep going to the clubs. Those relationships will take some time but will come
Club sports?
He's doing all the right things texting people. Tell him not to give up!

+1 It really does take longer than you think and longer than it did when we were in school.

Agree with getting an on-campus job or really any activity that meets a couple times a week or more. Could be an exercise class, a rec sport (see if there is a list of teams that have an open spot), theater or music group. For me, it was college choir meeting 3x a week that let me get to know people. One of my kids plays in two band groups

This is what my son did as a freshman. He got an on-campus job and it was a great experience for him. He also forced himself to really put himself out there, going around his dorm introducing himself to other residents. He ended up making some great friendships, but it didn't all happen by the end of September.

[Anonymous]

Has he looked into a service fraternity. They are co-Ed and low key in terms of parties. My kid did one cause he was not really into the parties with a social fraternity but wanted the other aspects of it. There is a weekly meeting and they are required to do community service events each semester and required service training. They also do fun events to include other universities which have the same fraternity. The only complaint I have ever heard was there chapter likes to help with the community runs on weekends and they are super early on a Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Heartbreaking…