trouble adjusting to college

[Anonymous]

Already a lot of great suggestions (+1 on the campus job--esp. one like working in the dining hall, where there are co-workers, not the solitary library shift), but a few more, fwiw: A lot of colleges have all-day weekend hiking or outdoors clubs, where you don't have to belong but you sign up for a one-time excursion--anything from hiking some local trail to learning-to-ski trips. It's usually run by students who actually try to make others feel welcome. And what's great is you typically spend an entire day with people, which allows a little more space and time for a connection to develop--as you walk a trail or whatever. (Or a political club might have an all-day canvassing event that allows a similarly leisurely chance to connect.) Some schools also have "maker"-type spaces where you can sign up for a one-day workshop in print-making or woodwork or learning to use audio software, or a series of such workshops. You end up working in pairs or groups of threes, it's more collaborative, and lends itself to less self-conscious interaction because you're involved in a joint enterprise. Theater tech is also great for this--often there are open calls for people to help with sets or props, you're immediately thrown into solving a problem (building a set or whatever) with a few other people. (A campus radio station might have similar opportunities, depending on your kid's interests.) My daughter's freshman year, she went to her college's language dining hall where they had language lunch tables to practice speaking. You didn't have to be fluent--French was a new language for her, but it was literally a way for her to have someone to eat with and talk to (without the pressure of having interesting things to say, as her French was still so basic). She ended up making one friend this way--and even, as a bonus, got a little bit better at French, lol. I also think it is very, very common for kids to take the entire first semester, or even into the second, to find a group of friends. It's just hard, and everyone thinks everyone else knows how to do it, when everyone is struggling. But also agree that if it really seems severe, your kid should take advantage of campus counseling--partly cuz counselors there probably have campus-specific ideas for how your kid might find some connections. Really feel for you and your kid--hang in there!!

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert who was both stressed and annoyed by the constant nagging to "come do things" during orientation! (Two days here and I'm already behind...) What got me meeting people was joining student government, because the expectation there was that you had to talk and interact. The other dorm government (not campus government at first) people were my first college friends before I got to know folks in my major.

[Anonymous]

Becoming a TA in sophomore year is a great way to meet people and put yourself out there. DS is one and it’s been an extremely positive experience (so far). The best part of it is you feel a part of something and in the case of his subject matter very needed by some of the students. It allows him to mix things up a bit, which is healthy. It’s a big time commitment, however.

[Anonymous]

NP. Interesting post regarding being a TA. Sounds interesting; I’ll pass that idea to my son for his next few years.Does your son have to teach or run small groups?

[Anonymous]

I think getting a campus job might help or even one near campus that students go to. Or going to the school’s volunteer type office and seeing if there is a need for tutors for local elementary students — great way to meet other students. Or even tutor on campus, if he excels at something. At my dd’s school, there is a safe ride program, provides rides so students don’t drive drunk. Does the school have anything like that that he could be a driver.

Going out on a limb that many may not agree with but maybe your son should go to church every Sunday and he’ll meet people that way, especially on campus. At some schools, there are weekend groups that meet of kids that don’t want to drink and party. They play cards and games and watch tv.

Last ide< is for him to go to a Friday night party and just hang. If anything he could meet a girl that needs someone to walk them back to her dorm. Or find out where the roommate goes and go with him.

[Anonymous]

My apologies if all this has already been said (haven't read every post), but my 2 cents:

- emphasize it's very normal to need some time to acclimate so the issue doesn't snowball from panic... patience helps;

- join an intramural team in a sport they enjoy or have always wanted to learn;

- join a club purely for fun;

- approach a prof they like or that is teaching something they find interesting about doing volunteer work in their lab or helping somehow with research. This gets easier over time as more classes are taken but can sometimes happen with first years.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad to read. At DC's SLAC the RAs and student affairs staff make it their job to do things that the kids in the dorms can join in on, like everyone going to the football game together, doing a hot chocolate study break on a random Wednesday night, hosting parties in the "house" that other kids attend, and just checking in with the kids to make sure everyone is doing okay. Are you sure there isn't something like this?

This! The RA is supposed to check in on their floor and make sure kids seem happy and help them adjust.

I am so sorry to read this. I think some intramurals you can just join. He needs to look into it further. Also there must be some type of supper club? My son know a ton of kids at his college and it really made a difference. I could see it being a different experience if he had not.

Also have him go to the gym to work out if he’s athletic? That’s a good way to meet people while doing your own thing.

Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Is he asking you for advice, OP? This helicopter is flying awfully low to the ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking you for advice, OP? This helicopter is flying awfully low to the ground.

That’s mean. He is still her son and she is being a good mom and concerned. No one wants their kid to be sad. My son is luckily having the opposite experience but don’t think for a minute I am not grateful everyday single day because I am aware how lucky we were and that things could have turned out differently.

Op, I think you have some great suggestions above.

What about Pickleball? Is that en vogue at his school? That’s something be should be able to join without a group.

Also this is where you as the mom start looking on the school website to see what they offer and casually suggest things he may not be seeing. There is a LOT of info and they may miss things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this a lot, including from parents of extroverted kids. I think that phones (texting) has changed the college experience a lot. Kids don’t keep their doors open or hang out in common areas or have the same constant casual in person interactions we had all the time on campus. It makes the friend making process more drawn out. I have heard about a lot of lonely freshman years but those kids all seemed happier as sophomores so I think it just takes time.

My DS said he was told they were not allowed to keep their doors open. And I noticed when I was there the door would not stay open...you would need a doorstop or something. My kid also lives on a floor with a mix of freshman and upper class students so not crowd of freshman to hang out with. My kid if doing ok but it seems like meeting friends is harder than I remember and might be les focused on your freshman floor (where most of my friends freshman year were from.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this a lot, including from parents of extroverted kids. I think that phones (texting) has changed the college experience a lot. Kids don’t keep their doors open or hang out in common areas or have the same constant casual in person interactions we had all the time on campus. It makes the friend making process more drawn out. I have heard about a lot of lonely freshman years but those kids all seemed happier as sophomores so I think it just takes time.

My DS said he was told they were not allowed to keep their doors open. And I noticed when I was there the door would not stay open...you would need a doorstop or something. My kid also lives on a floor with a mix of freshman and upper class students so not crowd of freshman to hang out with. My kid if doing ok but it seems like meeting friends is harder than I remember and might be les focused on your freshman floor (where most of my friends freshman year were from.)

That is a huge fail on the college. They should not have freshman living on same floor as sophomores. It can be intimidating enough for the kids to make new friends but being around sophomores would make it even worse. The RA should be helping form some of these activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just spoke to DS, who just started his first year of college.

It is clear from our weekly calls that he hasn’t found a groove yet. He doesn’t love his classes, they are mostly intro classes and taught lecture style which isn’t getting him engaged. He says his roommate is nice but that doesn’t seem to be turning into a friendship. Apparently no one on his hall seems to socialize.

He has met some kids he likes, but they also don’t seem to be turning into regular friendships. He has tried a few clubs and is going to the weekly meetings, but it isn’t turning into friendships. I asked about intramurals, and he said you need to sign up with a group and he doesn’t have anyone to ask (nor was asked).

He said he eats lunch alone most days, gets it from a to go place on campus vs the dining halls. I asked if he is eating dinner with his roommate or anyone, and it sounds like sometimes yes, sometimes no. He said he’ll text people to see who is getting dinner and will join if it works out, but it doesn’t sound like others are checking in with him for meals.

He told us tonight that on the two days of the week when he only has one class, he said it is especially lonely bc he’ll basically go all day without seeing anyone. My heart broke. I suggested - study at the library, check in with people for meals, etc, but he brushed me off.

He has always been shy and has had trouble connecting with peers. He and we hoped college would be a fresh start, but so far much of them same.

I’d appreciate any advice. I do realize it is only 5 weeks into the school year. He is at a medium sized private college, not a huge university.

Social media has turned many in the current generation quite anti-social.

Even those who want to socialize now lack the basic social skills because they spent most of their youth staring at screens instead of interacting with actual humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking you for advice, OP? This helicopter is flying awfully low to the ground.

That’s mean. He is still her son and she is being a good mom and concerned. No one wants their kid to be sad.

We have no control over whether or not they are sad! Our parenting behavior can affect whether they have the skills to manage sadness…or whether they never develop those skills because opportunities like this one are hijacked by well-intentioned parents giving advice.

Your kid is probably more capable than you are treating him as being, OP.

[Anonymous]

^^No one is suggesting (that I've read - maybe I missed something) that OP scoop in and save her child from being sad. There is nothing wrong with offering suggestions on how to make the transition to living away from home if your child is struggling.

I found a list of things to do to help kids during this transition (from Psychology Today) and what do you know -

Let them know that you’re unconditionally there for them. This can't be stressed enough. Kids often feel isolated in their thoughts and feelings to avoid disappointing you, and/or being judged or criticized.

Link them with resources. Be proactive at connecting to viable resources at school. Make a list of contacts bs if there is a need and desire.

Make a plan with them regarding their socializing. Because of the importance of being immediately proactive and engaged to secure a friend group and friendships in general, for some kids who are inhibited or socially anxious, it’s helpful to empathize and strategize. For example, you can suggest Greek life, intramural sports, clubs, university events, hanging out in common areas in the dorms and on campus, etc.

More from the list here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/being-your-best-self/202308/10-compassionate-ways-to-help-your-child-transition-to-college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Interesting post regarding being a TA. Sounds interesting; I’ll pass that idea to my son for his next few years.Does your son have to teach or run small groups?

DP. My son is a TA too. Yes, he attends the lecture twice weekly, and then leads a discussion class (mandatory for the students) once a week and provides the quizzes. Also is required to hold office hours once a week. Has met several people in his major and really enjoys it.