trouble adjusting to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

I don’t think it’s the RA’s responsibility. There mostly there to make sure kids stay out of trouble, don’t break rules and as a resource if something goes wrong.

No - I was an RA, and I was absolutely required to put on regular social programming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

I don’t think it’s the RA’s responsibility. There mostly there to make sure kids stay out of trouble, don’t break rules and as a resource if something goes wrong.

No - I was an RA, and I was absolutely required to put on regular social programming.

Then I guess your college experience differed from mine. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

I don’t think it’s the RA’s responsibility. There mostly there to make sure kids stay out of trouble, don’t break rules and as a resource if something goes wrong.

No - I was an RA, and I was absolutely required to put on regular social programming.

+1 I was an RA and had a budget for social activities, had to hold meetings, etc. it’s disappointing to hear that’s not part of the job everywhere. What a wasted opportunity,

[Anonymous]

RAs never solve these things FYI. And that is OK.

It is up to the kids to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this so often from friends that I also think maybe our college experience just isn’t as much like our kids’ experience as we assume it will be.

I think it's that social media has curtailed their social skills.

I think that definitely contributes but it's also just the individualized entertainment devices they all have immediately at hand. It's so easy to stay in their little comfort bubbles.

When I was in college, you went to the common room to watch TV and naturally ran into people. There were always spontaneous pool or ping pong games going on. The common rooms in my kids' dorms don't seem to be used much so my suggestion to go to your homework in the common room was helpful at least in getting out of the room but didn't actually lead to running into people.

NP. General Hospital and Headbangers Ball

Good times
I saw kids in the common room at my kid's school, but they were more in ones or twos dotted around the room.
Mine used to get takeout and eat in the room. I told them if you get takeout alone, at least eat in the common room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

I don’t think it’s the RA’s responsibility. There mostly there to make sure kids stay out of trouble, don’t break rules and as a resource if something goes wrong.

It's supposed to be. At least in the beginning of the year. But, some are just duds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heartbreaking…

I mean…it’s definitely sad for OP and others because it’s so hard to see your child suffer. I don’t think it’s heartbreaking, just difficult. Sounds like so many kids go through this phase. My child is still in HS so I can’t speak to this from a parent perspective but it’s caused me to think about my own college transition. The first semester was so hard despite the fact that I was (and remain) best friends with my roommate. I loved college and definitely found my groove but it took time. I will need to remember this when I talk about my experiences with my child.

[Anonymous]

OP, like so many DCUM posters, buried the lead. It wasn’t until the last paragraph that she said that her son is very shy and has the same problem in high school. College isn’t a miracle worker for most kids.

[Anonymous]

My introverted DS found that hanging out in a different common room in his dorm helped him make friends. They seemed to have put a lot of introverts together on his side of the floor who all stayed in their rooms, so he went to the other side and started studying in that common room.

He also joined a club sport team (doing a sport he'd never done before, rowing), and that made a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

My DC had a similar experience freshman year but things improved a lot sophomore year just by him meeting so many more people gradually through classes, roommate's friend, etc. Agree on getting a job or volunteer role so he has a purposeful activity where others will be, rather than consciously trying to make friends which can be exhausting for an introvert.

As a mother it is sad and hard to take when one's beloved child is lonely and I found myself often in questioning/advice-giving mode. I do think talking it through with him a few times was helpful, but also realized that he had a lot more fun texting with my DH about sports. Mostly, what he needed from us was some moments of levity/connection/normalcy rather than constantly discussing how he was doing which was really what I wanted to do

[Anonymous]

He needs an on-campus job. I had a similar personality and really liked working at the library. I worked in the stacks at the big fancy library some afternoons and evenings and the checkout counter main study library on Thursday nights.

My college had a big Thursday night party culture and it really helped to have a place to go when I didn’t have people to hang out with. I would also see the same people on my shift and the same people studying, so it made a big school feel friendlier. Eventually I would walk to parties with some of my coworkers when our shift ended.

My suitemate got a job at the student workout facility doing check-in and she met everyone at that job!

The trick is to find a job that puts you in front of a lot of people who need something from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

I don’t think it’s the RA’s responsibility. There mostly there to make sure kids stay out of trouble, don’t break rules and as a resource if something goes wrong.

It's supposed to be. At least in the beginning of the year. But, some are just duds.

Sorry parents but RAs are not responsible for your young adults social life and neither are you. Your shy kid will find their way. You can’t fix this for them and you’re probably giving them a complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC had a similar experience freshman year but things improved a lot sophomore year just by him meeting so many more people gradually through classes, roommate's friend, etc. Agree on getting a job or volunteer role so he has a purposeful activity where others will be, rather than consciously trying to make friends which can be exhausting for an introvert.
.........)

All of the above.

Would only add joining a community house (may it be sciences, languages, business or anything else)
By Sophomore year they meet many more and potentially already the same kids over and over in the same classes aiming for the same major. Steady repetition of seeing the same faces again and again can help a shy kid.

Also, any job (just to get the kid out there), volunteering or internship can not only give them purposeful activity outside of the classroom and enable to meet new people, but also the positive side effect of getting used to interviews.

In the end, I would patience is your best friend. Make suggestions and then let it simmer with the kid.

[Anonymous]

Agree that this is why a lot of kids join Greek life at schools where it is less intense/traditional. Would he want to get into volunteer work? Alpha Phi Omega is a community service co-ed fraternity at most schools. It inherently attracts pretty nice kids and is a great way to get to know the local community.

[Anonymous]

My son had a very similar experience as a freshman last year. We thought let's give it until Thanksgiving, then let's give it until Christmas. It really wasn't until spring of freshman year that things started to fall into place. He felt nervous on weekends when he did not have plans. He did join a sports club but that doesn't always translate to weekend plans. He kept reaching out to new people, asking if they wanted to grab lunch or dinner. Sometimes he would get together with someone once, and nothing more would come of it. This is a new skill for college freshmen -- they must learn to put themselves out there. Making friends takes time and you cannot rush it. It's that simple, but it does not mean it's easy. It can be tough and your child may wonder if they are at the right school. The nice thing is that your son can meet people in his classes and in the spring semester, it's all new classes and an opportunity to meet new people again, unlike high school where you are stuck with the same bunch. I would tell him it's OK to feel uncomfortable when you are in a new situation -- you are growing mentally, physically, and emotionally.