trouble adjusting to college

[Anonymous]

Just spoke to DS, who just started his first year of college.

It is clear from our weekly calls that he hasn’t found a groove yet. He doesn’t love his classes, they are mostly intro classes and taught lecture style which isn’t getting him engaged. He says his roommate is nice but that doesn’t seem to be turning into a friendship. Apparently no one on his hall seems to socialize.

He has met some kids he likes, but they also don’t seem to be turning into regular friendships. He has tried a few clubs and is going to the weekly meetings, but it isn’t turning into friendships. I asked about intramurals, and he said you need to sign up with a group and he doesn’t have anyone to ask (nor was asked).

He said he eats lunch alone most days, gets it from a to go place on campus vs the dining halls. I asked if he is eating dinner with his roommate or anyone, and it sounds like sometimes yes, sometimes no. He said he’ll text people to see who is getting dinner and will join if it works out, but it doesn’t sound like others are checking in with him for meals.

He told us tonight that on the two days of the week when he only has one class, he said it is especially lonely bc he’ll basically go all day without seeing anyone. My heart broke. I suggested - study at the library, check in with people for meals, etc, but he brushed me off.

He has always been shy and has had trouble connecting with peers. He and we hoped college would be a fresh start, but so far much of them same.

I’d appreciate any advice. I do realize it is only 5 weeks into the school year. He is at a medium sized private college, not a huge university.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post. My daughter is the same. It’s painful for them (and for us). I have an older kid who was the same. It really does take time.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad to read. At DC's SLAC the RAs and student affairs staff make it their job to do things that the kids in the dorms can join in on, like everyone going to the football game together, doing a hot chocolate study break on a random Wednesday night, hosting parties in the "house" that other kids attend, and just checking in with the kids to make sure everyone is doing okay. Are you sure there isn't something like this?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I have asked about the RAs. The ones on DS’s hall don’t organize any activities nor encourage the kids on the hall to go eat together. DS said he hasn’t even met his RAs (he said they held one hall meeting the first week, but DS overslept and missed it) and has hardly met anyone on his hall. I can only take him at his word, but I am sure other kids have been able to make connections with other students on the hall or in the dorm.

[Anonymous]

They have to keep showing up for those activities and meetings. Eventually they will recognize others who are in the same clubs and in their classes. Encourage them to do the inviting for meals and activities. It takes a good semester to really make friends and feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

[Anonymous]

It’s only September. You have to keep pushing him to get out and go to activities. It will get better.

Follow Harlan Cohen on Instagram. He has great daily tips for both parents and kids in college and how to navigate situations like this.

[Anonymous]

Have him visit the career center and see if there is a PT job or volunteer gig on the 2 days where he only has the 2 classes.

He just needs to continue to go to club meetings and try to make plans. Eventually it will get better.

My kids are still in HS but I suspect college will be like this too so have been trying to think of what I would say to them in this situation.

[Anonymous]

It’s still so early. My DS told me at winter break his freshman year that he preferred the week to weekend because he had his classes to keep him busy and he was lonely on the weekends. He ate dinner alone if his roommate wasn’t around. Fast forward a couple of weeks and they decided to rush and found a great fraternity that was not a typical “frat bro” type. Now he’s a junior and his entire weekend is booked up with so much to do. He texted me yesterday morning that he was going to his orchestra practice, then exec board for his frat,then chapter meeting then working on a group project. He was out all day. Thankfully he also went on a hike with his fraternity and had a date party so he had a good balance this weekend of fun and work. It just takes time and continued effort.

[Anonymous]

Don’t confuse being busy with friendship. I think we can all relate to that.

The number one tip I give incoming freshman is to leave their door open. A lot of people are in the same boat. He needs to create opportunities for actual calm conversation. There are a lot of kids who are looking for connections. He’ll get there. Friendships take a moment to develop.

It’s all hard to hear from your end. Just keep listening to him. He’ll figure out the solutions. It sounds as if he’s doing a lot already. Just keep putting himself out there.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely have him keep his door open and just say hello to everyone. My DD is a freshman who was lucky to get on very friendly floor. Others who have a less friendly one have discovered that her floor's common room is the friendly place to hang and will come to her floor. Maybe he an explore other floors, see who has their doors open and say hello. It's so hard, and invites more rejection, but eventually, he'll realize so many others are feeling the same. I know how hard it is to hear but he'll get there!

[Anonymous]

Can you name the school or a mask it by naming a couple of others? I think it is good to know which schools provide good social support and activities for freshmen/1st year students.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the commiseration and advice, from OP.

We gave our son the same advice to leave his door open, but according to him, “no one” in his dorm/on his hall does that. Both he and his roommate keep the door closed and he says all the doors on his hall are always closed.

I like the idea of him getting a job or volunteering on his light class days - it will keeo him busy and hopefully lead to meeting other students and hopefully at some point some of these connections will lead to friendship.

It’s really hard to hear your kid so lonely. Spouse and I both commented after this call that we remember a big adjustment to college was having to be around other people all the time- so we were pretty surprised that our son seems to be having the exact opposite experience.

[Anonymous]

I was a very shy child/teen. I never talked to anyone!

One thing that really helped was getting a retail job. The job forced me to talk to people. I even looked at how the department manager spoke to people and copied her style. I am not joking, but this was a life changing difference. I realized nothing was going to happen when you go up to people. The worst thing was to hear/body language not interested and then you leave!

I currently live in another city near (less than 1 mile) a college and I observe the awkwardness every September.

Some suggestions:

Go to the main gym on campus. It is packed in the early school year and you have to talk to people.

The gym here is holding rec “event” nights every week for students with different themes.

Eat in a crowded dining hall. See a person you recognize and ask to sit. Worst can happen is no.

Hang out/ study in common areas. Depending where you are they may be parks or outdoor spaces too. I walked past an outdoor park near campus the other day that was packed with students and regular people. Solo and groups. Playing sports, picnic, reading, everything.

When he is not in class he needs to be out of his room.

Gym
Library
Common area
Coffee shop
Park

Anywhere people are hanging out!

I was a very shy teen and tell him it’s gets better and good luck!

[Anonymous]

I have heard this a lot, including from parents of extroverted kids. I think that phones (texting) has changed the college experience a lot. Kids don’t keep their doors open or hang out in common areas or have the same constant casual in person interactions we had all the time on campus. It makes the friend making process more drawn out. I have heard about a lot of lonely freshman years but those kids all seemed happier as sophomores so I think it just takes time.