trouble adjusting to college

[Anonymous]

This is why a lot of guys join fraternities. Rush probably over now, but he could try in spring. The thing to do now is find rankings and target the lower houses, if he’s shy and mellow. People have an image of what fraternities are, but in reality there is a whole range of them.

There are also professional fraternities, but at DS’s school they are much more competitive. But you can also absolutely join both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the commiseration and advice, from OP.

We gave our son the same advice to leave his door open, but according to him, “no one” in his dorm/on his hall does that. Both he and his roommate keep the door closed and he says all the doors on his hall are always closed.

I like the idea of him getting a job or volunteering on his light class days - it will keeo him busy and hopefully lead to meeting other students and hopefully at some point some of these connections will lead to friendship.

It’s really hard to hear your kid so lonely. Spouse and I both commented after this call that we remember a big adjustment to college was having to be around other people all the time- so we were pretty surprised that our son seems to be having the exact opposite experience.

This sounds pretty much like my daughter last year. She did join some clubs and got to know some people, but it did not evolve into friendships. Even in HS it took her a long time. So that is just how it is for some people. Even when they know kids, their lecture schedules might just not allow to always eat meals together, that is nothing unusual.
When she did get a job, it was a job she could do on her own, without facing customers. The job kept her busy and she enjoyed it, so who are we to tell her she got the wrong job? We did not
None of the kids on her hall left their door open either and according to her it was an energetic extroverted floor that went nuts during rush. She's a shy introvert and her room is her private reprieve.
She did put energy in a language club though and tried running for a position. Did not get it but was selected for a language house and they are doing things together all the time. When moving her in she was approached by a girl that started a convo with her. So even though it seems like they have no one, there might be some.

It is early, hang in there. You can suggest things, but accept their answers. They are on their own now and unless you notice potential mental health issues, they will have to figure things out. It is not a one size fits all approach to friendships.
Our sophomore in the language house seems happy now, except for having a night owl roommate. That however is a different issue/story.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post myself and my daughter is very outgoing. I am afraid to ask her if she has been eating alone because of what she might say. She has been a little impatient in that she has expected to make best friends by now but I had to explain to her that it takes time to form relationships. She had a core friend group in HS and I had to remind her that it took a few years for that friend group to develop. I encourage her to continue to get involved and engaged on campus and becoming active in clubs has been very helpful. I would encourage him to find some clubs he can get passionate about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad to read. At DC's SLAC the RAs and student affairs staff make it their job to do things that the kids in the dorms can join in on, like everyone going to the football game together, doing a hot chocolate study break on a random Wednesday night, hosting parties in the "house" that other kids attend, and just checking in with the kids to make sure everyone is doing okay. Are you sure there isn't something like this?

What school is this? Because I’d like my shy DS to apply…

[Anonymous]

No. If the other doors are closed it’s the exact reason to keep his open.

[Anonymous]

I went to a large-ish university a million years ago and eating alone was one of the things that made my freshman year so hard. It always felt to me like everyone else had large groups of friends and I was the lonely weirdo sitting by myself (and there were no phones then to provide a distraction.) I almost transferred to my brother's SLAC, simply because there was only one cafeteria and it was always so social there!

My DS is now at a SLAC and the dining hall is a big place for people to congregate. But even for him, I think it took a few months before he felt like he was in the groove and had found his people. Give it time and tell them to keep getting out there in every way they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why a lot of guys join fraternities. Rush probably over now, but he could try in spring. The thing to do now is find rankings and target the lower houses, if he’s shy and mellow. People have an image of what fraternities are, but in reality there is a whole range of them.

There are also professional fraternities, but at DS’s school they are much more competitive. But you can also absolutely join both.

both of these are very true +1. I'm the one that posted about my DS who rushed and was absolutely 1000% not a frat guy but there were several houses that are not really about that experience, and he found his fit and loves it. The professional fraternities are absolutely also another great option, and club sports. Some clubs are more socuial than others and it's still early, so their events may not be in high gear yet but will pick up. He just has to keep trying.

On intramurals, I think that the kids can maybe sign up onto a team that has open spots. He cannot wait to be asked, he has to be proactive and just sign up. He should talk to his RA about it.

Getting a job on campus is a great idea. My DD is outgoing but she has made so many friends at work that she walks around campus and says hi to tons of people just going from class to class (she often calls me during those walks so I hear it).

Honestly though, all of this discussion about eating alone, this is college. No one cares if you eat alone, in fact, if you're sitting alone, you may just find someone who recognizes you sits down next to you. Both of my kids have had this expreience. It's not middle school, no one is judging you for being alone at meals.

[Anonymous]

For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

[Anonymous]

College can be very lonely. I think we all forget that in the brochure run-up to sending our kids off to school.
We have two kids in college at different schools, one of whom is very outgoing. The other quieter. Both struggled.
The older one finally hit her stride socially as a junior. The younger one transferred and is happier.
The advice on getting a job seems like a really good one. A great way to meet people your kid might not otherwise meet. It definitely helped me.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there mamma. It’s so hard. It will get better. Agree with advice to keep attending those clubs and activities. Peeps will emerge

[Anonymous]

The meal thing is the worst! I remember sometimes going to the cafeteria by myself and there were no seats available anywhere. My college even had a "singles bar" area but that was jam packed, too.

He should try to talk to classmates, particularly those that hit before mealtimes and ask if they want to grab lunch. It also stinks that his floor is not an open-door type of place as grabbing floormates to walk to dinner is a natural transition. My best friends from college are all from my first-year college dorm floor.

He should try organizing a floor intramural sports team - something low key like floor hockey. He could go door-to-door and knock and see if anyone is interested in signing up together.

+1 to all the advice about spending as much time in spaces with people like libraries, coffee shops, working a campus job, etc. If there is something like a hiking/camping club that is a really good way to get to know people as your spend hours together, especially if there is an overnight component.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

This. There are so many parents on here that let their kids spend high school in their rooms. There must be a thread per week on the teenage board with people arguing that this is normal or okay.

Get them out and into the world starting with middle school. They have to sign up for things that get them way out of their comfort zone. I have one of these kids and his ability to adapt to new kids and uncomfortable situations grew 10 fold with being immersed into things he didn't want to do: summer camps, jobs, clubs, volunteer experiences, social gatherings, going to school football games, dances, etc. I basically sent emails on his behalf and signed him up for things again and again through middle school and early high school. He resisted but I made privileges dependent on him trying new things. It was exhausting but over time he stopped fearing the unknown and learned to integrate quickly into a new group. He'll never be super extroverted or outgoing but now in college he's great at navigating new situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad to read. At DC's SLAC the RAs and student affairs staff make it their job to do things that the kids in the dorms can join in on, like everyone going to the football game together, doing a hot chocolate study break on a random Wednesday night, hosting parties in the "house" that other kids attend, and just checking in with the kids to make sure everyone is doing okay. Are you sure there isn't something like this?

Whic SLAC? My DD will need something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

Yeah my kid did all that, but college was still a whole different world and things did not really come together until sophomore year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

Anecdotally, some of the kids who were happiest in high school have the hardest adjustment because they miss their close friend group. It’s the starting over that is hard.