trouble adjusting to college

[Anonymous]

I would also reassure your son that this is normal and common. So many kids are having similar experiences. I think they feel like they are the only one, especially with what they are seeing on social media, and that makes them feel even worse.

My kid struggles socially and although she had acquaintances her freshman year, other than her roommate, I don't think she found true friends. She joined a bunch of clubs and puts herself out there and is generally happy at school, but wishes she had more of a friend group.

I agree that RAs are not very helpful. When I was in college, it was tough to get an RA position and the RAs really put a lot of effort into floor bonding. I think it is much less so now and I think a number of schools have trouble finding RAs so they take most/all who apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those with shy or introverted kids still in high school, start working with them now. Things don’t magically change in college . Encourage summer jobs, volunteer experiences, and clubs that will get them out of their comfort zone when they are still in high school.

This. There are so many parents on here that let their kids spend high school in their rooms. There must be a thread per week on the teenage board with people arguing that this is normal or okay.

Get them out and into the world starting with middle school. They have to sign up for things that get them way out of their comfort zone. I have one of these kids and his ability to adapt to new kids and uncomfortable situations grew 10 fold with being immersed into things he didn't want to do: summer camps, jobs, clubs, volunteer experiences, social gatherings, going to school football games, dances, etc. I basically sent emails on his behalf and signed him up for things again and again through middle school and early high school. He resisted but I made privileges dependent on him trying new things. It was exhausting but over time he stopped fearing the unknown and learned to integrate quickly into a new group. He'll never be super extroverted or outgoing but now in college he's great at navigating new situations.

+1 we did this, too.

My DD is really social and makes friends easily. DS was not. He's a lot better now, but in MS/early HS it was hard for him. He said all these experiences in the organizations we got him involved him did help him with new situations and people.

When DS started HS, I told DS to get involved and join a club. He did, and that helped, too.

So, agree with the PP, if you are a parent with such a kid who is in MS/HS, start them early.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps try posting a question about open, social clubs on the parents Facebook page for the college? I often see posts similar to OPs’ on both my kids’ schools parent groups. Parents make helpful suggestions on which clubs are welcoming. In some schools, it is a pep band or service organization. Some may say it is too helicoptery, but I think if someone is struggling, it is good to help. We all need a little help sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I have heard this so often from friends that I also think maybe our college experience just isn’t as much like our kids’ experience as we assume it will be.

[Anonymous]

Join a club or two.
Go to classes at the gym.
Get a job.

Lots of ways to meet your people in college if you aren't a social butterfly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this so often from friends that I also think maybe our college experience just isn’t as much like our kids’ experience as we assume it will be.

I think it's that social media has curtailed their social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this so often from friends that I also think maybe our college experience just isn’t as much like our kids’ experience as we assume it will be.

I think it's that social media has curtailed their social skills.

This freshman class was highly impacted by Covid in high school. I think back to those parents who were overjoyed by remote learning for their introverted kids and shake my head. Even the first year back in person had limited extracurriculars at many local schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this so often from friends that I also think maybe our college experience just isn’t as much like our kids’ experience as we assume it will be.

There were always kids in college who spent four years in the library stacks and did not socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have heard this so often from friends that I also think maybe our college experience just isn’t as much like our kids’ experience as we assume it will be.

I think it's that social media has curtailed their social skills.

I think that definitely contributes but it's also just the individualized entertainment devices they all have immediately at hand. It's so easy to stay in their little comfort bubbles.

When I was in college, you went to the common room to watch TV and naturally ran into people. There were always spontaneous pool or ping pong games going on. The common rooms in my kids' dorms don't seem to be used much so my suggestion to go to your homework in the common room was helpful at least in getting out of the room but didn't actually lead to running into people.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP to hear this and I hope your son finds his way.

It’s different for kids today. Some kids want to keep their dorm room shut and play video games, text other people, watch movies in their laptop. It makes me a bit sad for what they’re missing out on, but maybe it’s my rose colored reminiscing. When we moved our son into college last year, so many boys were asking each other what video games they play. It’s just so different. Good luck to your son. Tell him not to worry about eating alone; like PP said it’s college. People eat whey they can and people have such varying schedules. Can he also join a club for his major in addition to the other clubs? I like the part time job idea too.

[Anonymous]

It is hard because the 'groups' are the loudest and most visible (in person and on socials) so kids think that is 'everyone but them' while not seeing or hearing there are lots of others out there not in those groups. And then it is a spiral.

It is still really, really early. September is incredibly early. My ds was a freshman last year and it was about this time when he realized his promising roommate situation was not that. He did have a social floor so that helped. He said some were and some were not. So much is luck (just like roommate). It took him until the middle of spring semester to even be sure he wanted to come back. He is a soph now living with 3 other great friends and loving life. A complete 180 from this time last year.

Also eating alone is not uncommon. My ds said it is not a big deal bc everyone has a different schedule.

[Anonymous]

DS made a friend by eating in the dining hall each meal. I suggested he try this just one week to see what would happen and sure enough, another guy asked to sit at the table and they've become friends.

Does he like any sports? Perhaps he could get a basketball and go shoot hoops on the off-chance someone would want to play a pickup game.

That's annoying that intramurals require a whole team to sign up. DD's college allows singles to sign up and they get placed on teams.

Does his dorm have any activities? They had a halloween cookie decorating social this past weekend. That was organized by all the dorm RAs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time and is still early. RAs rarely are helpful for this. Some intramurals will have a list for those not coming in as a group. It’s worth asking. Look for the occasional volunteer opportunity too on campus. Next semester or next year, a small part time job with other students could help with connections too.

+1

Agree that RAs can not be relied on, as RAs have their own classwork to conduct.

RAs are getting free room and board in exchange for their role, which I do think should include some effort to help students on the hall meet each other and socialize. I also think the college should require this of the RAs and give them suggested ways to do this (or maybe the college did and OP’s kid’s RA just isn’t doing their job).

I don’t think it’s the RA’s responsibility. There mostly there to make sure kids stay out of trouble, don’t break rules and as a resource if something goes wrong.