Ex doesn't know that my kids are in private

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get sole custody and sole control of educational decisions? What was that based on?

Before we were divorced, I was already the primary parent. I volunteered at the schools and I enrolled the kids. It was his idea to give me sole control of educational decisions. I don't have sole custody; the kids see him every weekend when he does not have to work.

They see him regularly and you make them they lie about what school they go to? My, my, OP. What a tangled web.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be the voice of dissent. Sometimes, with shitty exes, you have to be practical. It’s not ideal but it’s the best situation. But can’t they garnish his wages or something? Or jail him even?

There is zero evidence he is a “shitty ex.”

Wherever did you get that?

He was deployed. Now he is not. He should take her to court for 50/50 now.

You don't know the details but if I add more then you accuse me of trolling. He has made incredibly poor decisions. Even when he wasn't deployed, he wouldn't do a thing at home. He wanted me to work but also didn't want to pay for day care. And he has no interest in 50/50 considering that he lives in a one-bedroom apartment and doesn't feed the kids unless they ask. I don't even want to give the reason we divorced because you will accuse me of trolling and report the thread.

OP, he sounds like he was an awful husband. I understand how you might have come to this set of circumstances. My mom might have done the same thing in the 90s. I remember my dad getting jerky to her about child support and what she was spending on and constantly accusing her of using him to subsidize her “luxury life” which was bogus. She dressed pretty well for work because it was required where she worked at the time but otherwise spent all her money on me and sibling. She would occasionally tell us not to mention a trip she was taking us on, or expensive items she’d given us (ex: a stepped up violin for me when I was ready for a better instrument) because whenever he found out about it, he would start accusing again and send checks late.

I suggest going to a family therapist and talking it through with and then brining your girls in to have a conversation with them about how you got to this place, and how you can move forward while being honest with them. If he’s truly an absentee dad choosing to live in a one bedroom apartment without space for his children who won’t provide meals for them, you aren’t the one tanking their future positive relationship with daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get sole custody and sole control of educational decisions? What was that based on?

Before we were divorced, I was already the primary parent. I volunteered at the schools and I enrolled the kids. It was his idea to give me sole control of educational decisions. I don't have sole custody; the kids see him every weekend when he does not have to work.

They see him regularly and you make them they lie about what school they go to? My, my, OP. What a tangled web.

He has only asked once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get sole custody and sole control of educational decisions? What was that based on?

Before we were divorced, I was already the primary parent. I volunteered at the schools and I enrolled the kids. It was his idea to give me sole control of educational decisions. I don't have sole custody; the kids see him every weekend when he does not have to work.

They see him regularly and you make them they lie about what school they go to? My, my, OP. What a tangled web.

He has only asked once.

Why would he ask again if he thought his daughter was telling the truth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other details you want to include, OP?

This. I called troll because no one could be dumb enough to put this much personal information on the Internet. Especially if it’s supposed to be a secret If I know you then I know it’s you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

Why would that be better? Actual question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

Why would that be better? Actual question.

It's an excuse. You can blame the office for "delays."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any other details you want to include, OP?

This. I called troll because no one could be dumb enough to put this much personal information on the Internet. Especially if it’s supposed to be a secret If I know you then I know it’s you.

I no longer live in the DMV, that's why I am ok with posting this.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling your children to lie for you. It's a terrible burden to place on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

Why would that be better? Actual question.

Because it creates a record of payment to the custodial parent. It’s too easy to claim money paid directly by check is for other needs and not actual child support

[Anonymous]

OP, if you had a lawyer at any point in this process, reach out to them. If your court order gives you the right to make educational decisions, then you shouldn't have to lie about this. Consult the lawyer, but don't you think the best thing would be to come clean that they are attending this school for this coming school year is best? God forbid if something happens to them at school and he finds out you lied... what if the public school he thinks they go to is on lockdown and then you have to admit they're not there? Why go down this road? Making the kids lie to him could be parental alienation, why risk that to justify a decision that you made that is good for the kids?

You've already explained they have scholarship money and family help. Child support is based on your respective incomes, typically. Again, consult the lawyer, but this should not be a reason to lie about this.

I also feel it's very toxic, that even after the divorce, he's still someone that you feel you need to tiptoe around, to anticipate and work around his potential bad reaction. I don't think that's modelling healthy behavior for your kids. You saw an issue with the public school, you resolved it, you got funding - you should feel confident about it! The reasons you gave for your decision are solid, so you say "yes, they are in private due to X,Y, Z reasons." Gently, this is something that may need to be discussed in therapy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the right to make all education decisions, then it doesn’t matter if he objects. He still owes you child support. It DOES matter if you lie to him or have your children lie to him.

I haven't directly lied to him because he has never asked me what school they go to.

You said: should I continue to lie to my ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the arsehole.

I hope he finds out you have these means and challenges whatever child support you are getting.

This is beyond ridiculous. You shouldn’t make these kinds of decisions unilaterally. Especially the religious indoctrination—

Hopefully he goes back to court to challenge the custody arrangement. I would.

Not his money. None of his business. He still has to pay the court ordered support.

Legally, yes.

Practically, as someone already noted, the best way to deal with punitive, harmful people is to lie to them (or omit certain truths). I consider this a direct consequence of their own actions, and therefore not as a ethically wrong as if lying to a good person. Essentially, it's self-defense. You are preserving your sanity and that of your children, and in some cases (maybe not here), preserving your physical wellbeing.

I do agree that sometimes lying like this is complicated and gives you twinges of regret. But... I'm not blaming you, OP.

And I think you shouldn't worry about when to tell him. When it feels right, it will come out, and you will deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the court needs to redirect who has custody of the children.

Yeah I’m sure the court will fall over themselves to award custody to a deadbeat— technical term for “withholding child support”— from a mom who found a way to have her kids privately educated.