Ex doesn't know that my kids are in private

[Anonymous]

"My" kids?
"My" daughter?
"My" other daughter?

Aren't they his kids too? I.e. "Our" kids?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t tell my child to lie, I also wouldn’t volunteer the information and I would tell her that she only has to answer if she’s comfortable. Depending on her age and some of the decisions OP is referring to, she may not want Dad showing up at school events/taking an active interest in her school life.

I would get clarity from a lawyer, though, on whether your total decision making power includes the right to withhold this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be the voice of dissent. Sometimes, with shitty exes, you have to be practical. It’s not ideal but it’s the best situation. But can’t they garnish his wages or something? Or jail him even?

There is zero evidence he is a “shitty ex.”

Wherever did you get that?

He was deployed. Now he is not. He should take her to court for 50/50 now.

You don't know the details but if I add more then you accuse me of trolling. He has made incredibly poor decisions. Even when he wasn't deployed, he wouldn't do a thing at home. He wanted me to work but also didn't want to pay for day care. And he has no interest in 50/50 considering that he lives in a one-bedroom apartment and doesn't feed the kids unless they ask. I don't even want to give the reason we divorced because you will accuse me of trolling and report the thread.

He probably cannot afford a bigger place. If he was active duty you get heavily discounts child care.

[Anonymous]

The fact that they get financial aid and direct payment to the school from a benevolent donor does not mean he gets out of child support. He's not paying now, but this knowledge does not change the scenario, as the money isn't coming from you and you aren't asking him to pay the tuition. He can whine about it, but it doesn't change the facts or what he owes.

[Anonymous]

If he is in the military it is fairly easy to force him to pay child support. Don’t make your kids be in the middle and forced to lie. It sets a bad example.

“ As with any other child support case, the payments will be calculated based on the income of either spouse, the child’s needs, and other relevant factors. However, it can sometimes take a while for courts to make such decisions. Before the court has issued a formal child support order, military parents will still be required to pay child support in order to benefit their children. These payments, called interim child support, often go to the civilian custodial parent for the benefit of the child before the court has decided on a final payment order.

Interim Child Support
Although each military branch is different, the basics of this rule are universal. All military members are required to pay for their children even if there is no court order. The payment depends on the service member’s gross pay and their Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). If a service member fails to make these payments, their co-parent may send notice to the military parent’s commanding officer, who can then punish the service member for failing to pay.”

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2019/october/child-support-rules-for-military-families/#:~:text=Although%20each%20military%20branch%20is,there%20is%20no%20court%20order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is in the military it is fairly easy to force him to pay child support. Don’t make your kids be in the middle and forced to lie. It sets a bad example.

“ As with any other child support case, the payments will be calculated based on the income of either spouse, the child’s needs, and other relevant factors. However, it can sometimes take a while for courts to make such decisions. Before the court has issued a formal child support order, military parents will still be required to pay child support in order to benefit their children. These payments, called interim child support, often go to the civilian custodial parent for the benefit of the child before the court has decided on a final payment order.

Interim Child Support
Although each military branch is different, the basics of this rule are universal. All military members are required to pay for their children even if there is no court order. The payment depends on the service member’s gross pay and their Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). If a service member fails to make these payments, their co-parent may send notice to the military parent’s commanding officer, who can then punish the service member for failing to pay.”

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2019/october/child-support-rules-for-military-families/#:~:text=Although%20each%20military%20branch%20is,there%20is%20no%20court%20order.

He’s paying his child support. Just not in the manner OP wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

He’s not withholding anything. When you insisted it go through the state, they take the money and it’s out of his control. My husbands ex did this. He paid in full, early but she wanted to tell the kids he wasn’t paying so she filed a garnishment. So, the state started garnishing his paycheck and instead of getting checks before the date, she’d get them weeks later as it hard to be processed. She’d call screaming demanding the money but it was on her for filing. We loved the garnishment. No more dealing with her on it. He’s much better off with a garnishment as then she cannot lie, like husbands ex did to the court saying she never got the checks and even lied when he provided documentation of the cashed checks with her signature.

Op, you are being nasty to be nasty. He is paying his child support, he probably cannot afford a bigger place but it doesn’t matter as you’d never let him keep the kids over night and a one bedroom is plenty big for an overnight as kids can have the bedroom and he can sleep in the living room.

[Anonymous]

Op probably did not tell the school about the child support for financial aid so she will not let dad at the school as she worries they will find out about him and ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the right to make all education decisions, then it doesn’t matter if he objects. He still owes you child support. It DOES matter if you lie to him or have your children lie to him.

I haven't directly lied to him because he has never asked me what school they go to.

So....if your spouse were having an affair and didn't tell you, it's okay? Not really lying?

How are these two even comparable? Some logic, please.

It's the idea that a person isn't lying if not asked about something that's going on. Being deceptive is the same as lying.

[Anonymous]

OP, the child support and educational decision making are two different things.

If he's actually not paying (I'm not clear on this part, is he literally not paying or is paying but the state is just slow at disbursement) then go through the state's cs office to file. If he is paying but you're mad because he won't give you checks directly, I think you're out of luck.

As far as school-usually both parents have the right to be on all the school paperwork, even if one parent has final decision making for school. I actually have that-my order states that I can enroll my child in any school that meets their educational needs. We have 50/50 and both parents are to be on all the school paperwork (ex and I actually agree on dc's school but I put that in and he signed it in case of future conflict). So what I am saying is, he probably has the right to know where they go to school. But read over your parenting order.

FYI, having a one-bedroom apt will not preclude him from getting parenting time if he wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the court needs to redirect who has custody of the children.

Yeah I’m sure the court will fall over themselves to award custody to a deadbeat— technical term for “withholding child support”— from a mom who found a way to have her kids privately educated.

He's not withholding support. OP is dishonest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that they get financial aid and direct payment to the school from a benevolent donor does not mean he gets out of child support. He's not paying now, but this knowledge does not change the scenario, as the money isn't coming from you and you aren't asking him to pay the tuition. He can whine about it, but it doesn't change the facts or what he owes.

He is paying per garnishment. Many times there is a lag due to the office of child support processing it. That’s not his fault. She probably lied on the school paperwork and did not disclose the child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: When my daughter was in seventh grade, I enrolled her at a small private school because her zoned public school was huge, full of drug problems, and I could tell that academically, she was falling through the cracks. A year later I enrolled my other daughter. My kids are now in ninth and sixth grade.

When I first enrolled my oldest, my ex was deployed in the military. The girls' school never came up in conversation until last year when he asked my oldest what school she went to by text, and I told her to lie and say she was still in public. I don't want him to know that my kids go to private because he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month). If he finds out that my daughters go to private school, he will wonder how I can afford a pricey private school. My kids get financial aid and the tuition that is not covered by aid is paid for by one of my relatives. I don't want my ex to be nosy about my financials. On top of that, the school is religious. I don't know how he would react to that. I am the custodial parent; I am in complete control over my children's education according to our divorce papers, but I don't want this to become an issue. My daughters don't want to switch schools. Even if he doesn't care about the fact that it is a religious school, he might continue to withhold money if he finds out my kids attend private school. Should I continue to lie to my ex? When is the appropriate time to confess this, when my oldest graduates?

What kind of parent instructs their child to lie to the other parent?! He is going to find out much sooner than you think and I hope you reap what you sow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

He’s not withholding anything. When you insisted it go through the state, they take the money and it’s out of his control. My husbands ex did this. He paid in full, early but she wanted to tell the kids he wasn’t paying so she filed a garnishment. So, the state started garnishing his paycheck and instead of getting checks before the date, she’d get them weeks later as it hard to be processed. She’d call screaming demanding the money but it was on her for filing. We loved the garnishment. No more dealing with her on it. He’s much better off with a garnishment as then she cannot lie, like husbands ex did to the court saying she never got the checks and even lied when he provided documentation of the cashed checks with her signature.

Op, you are being nasty to be nasty. He is paying his child support, he probably cannot afford a bigger place but it doesn’t matter as you’d never let him keep the kids over night and a one bedroom is plenty big for an overnight as kids can have the bedroom and he can sleep in the living room.

OP here. He is an officer. I know what he makes, he owns three vehicles, and he can afford a larger home. He also invests and has savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that they get financial aid and direct payment to the school from a benevolent donor does not mean he gets out of child support. He's not paying now, but this knowledge does not change the scenario, as the money isn't coming from you and you aren't asking him to pay the tuition. He can whine about it, but it doesn't change the facts or what he owes.

He is paying per garnishment. Many times there is a lag due to the office of child support processing it. That’s not his fault. She probably lied on the school paperwork and did not disclose the child support.

I did disclose the child support on the school paperwork.