Ex doesn't know that my kids are in private

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month)."

What does this mean?

It means he’s having the support paid through the state child support office (probably a per paycheck amount). There is always a delay in payment from the withholding date. The ex is probably smart enough to know it’s better for the support to route through the state then paying her directly.

He’s not withholding anything. When you insisted it go through the state, they take the money and it’s out of his control. My husbands ex did this. He paid in full, early but she wanted to tell the kids he wasn’t paying so she filed a garnishment. So, the state started garnishing his paycheck and instead of getting checks before the date, she’d get them weeks later as it hard to be processed. She’d call screaming demanding the money but it was on her for filing. We loved the garnishment. No more dealing with her on it. He’s much better off with a garnishment as then she cannot lie, like husbands ex did to the court saying she never got the checks and even lied when he provided documentation of the cashed checks with her signature.

Op, you are being nasty to be nasty. He is paying his child support, he probably cannot afford a bigger place but it doesn’t matter as you’d never let him keep the kids over night and a one bedroom is plenty big for an overnight as kids can have the bedroom and he can sleep in the living room.

OP here. He is an officer. I know what he makes, he owns three vehicles, and he can afford a larger home. He also invests and has savings.

Ok, that doesn't mean that much to say he's an officer. If he is, you are absolutely getting child support through a garnishment and stop complaining. He has a right to invest and have savings. And, if he doesn't have any overnight visitation, why does he need a bigger place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that they get financial aid and direct payment to the school from a benevolent donor does not mean he gets out of child support. He's not paying now, but this knowledge does not change the scenario, as the money isn't coming from you and you aren't asking him to pay the tuition. He can whine about it, but it doesn't change the facts or what he owes.

He is paying per garnishment. Many times there is a lag due to the office of child support processing it. That’s not his fault. She probably lied on the school paperwork and did not disclose the child support.

I did disclose the child support on the school paperwork.

So, where is the drama? You are getting child support via a garnishment through the state or military. If it doesn't arrive on time it's not his fault.

[Anonymous]

You're a real piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is in the military it is fairly easy to force him to pay child support. Don’t make your kids be in the middle and forced to lie. It sets a bad example.

“ As with any other child support case, the payments will be calculated based on the income of either spouse, the child’s needs, and other relevant factors. However, it can sometimes take a while for courts to make such decisions. Before the court has issued a formal child support order, military parents will still be required to pay child support in order to benefit their children. These payments, called interim child support, often go to the civilian custodial parent for the benefit of the child before the court has decided on a final payment order.

Interim Child Support
Although each military branch is different, the basics of this rule are universal. All military members are required to pay for their children even if there is no court order. The payment depends on the service member’s gross pay and their Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). If a service member fails to make these payments, their co-parent may send notice to the military parent’s commanding officer, who can then punish the service member for failing to pay.”

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2019/october/child-support-rules-for-military-families/#:~:text=Although%20each%20military%20branch%20is,there%20is%20no%20court%20order.

He’s paying his child support. Just not in the manner OP wants.

In the military you do not have a choice to pay or not or the manner. It is very straight forward. Just call his commanding officer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is in the military it is fairly easy to force him to pay child support. Don’t make your kids be in the middle and forced to lie. It sets a bad example.

“ As with any other child support case, the payments will be calculated based on the income of either spouse, the child’s needs, and other relevant factors. However, it can sometimes take a while for courts to make such decisions. Before the court has issued a formal child support order, military parents will still be required to pay child support in order to benefit their children. These payments, called interim child support, often go to the civilian custodial parent for the benefit of the child before the court has decided on a final payment order.

Interim Child Support
Although each military branch is different, the basics of this rule are universal. All military members are required to pay for their children even if there is no court order. The payment depends on the service member’s gross pay and their Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). If a service member fails to make these payments, their co-parent may send notice to the military parent’s commanding officer, who can then punish the service member for failing to pay.”

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2019/october/child-support-rules-for-military-families/#:~:text=Although%20each%20military%20branch%20is,there%20is%20no%20court%20order.

He’s paying his child support. Just not in the manner OP wants.

In the military you do not have a choice to pay or not or the manner. It is very straight forward. Just call his commanding officer.

Not sure why you are responding to this post. Him being in the military is not relevant because he is paying child support.

If he wasn’t paying, then OP could purse payment with the military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is in the military it is fairly easy to force him to pay child support. Don’t make your kids be in the middle and forced to lie. It sets a bad example.

“ As with any other child support case, the payments will be calculated based on the income of either spouse, the child’s needs, and other relevant factors. However, it can sometimes take a while for courts to make such decisions. Before the court has issued a formal child support order, military parents will still be required to pay child support in order to benefit their children. These payments, called interim child support, often go to the civilian custodial parent for the benefit of the child before the court has decided on a final payment order.

Interim Child Support
Although each military branch is different, the basics of this rule are universal. All military members are required to pay for their children even if there is no court order. The payment depends on the service member’s gross pay and their Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). If a service member fails to make these payments, their co-parent may send notice to the military parent’s commanding officer, who can then punish the service member for failing to pay.”

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2019/october/child-support-rules-for-military-families/#:~:text=Although%20each%20military%20branch%20is,there%20is%20no%20court%20order.

He’s paying his child support. Just not in the manner OP wants.

In the military you do not have a choice to pay or not or the manner. It is very straight forward. Just call his commanding officer.

He IS paying per OP. The issue is it is either a garnishment or through the state which takes time to be processed and she wants it earlier than when it's processed or received.

[Anonymous]

You are a horrible parent to encourage your children to lie to their dad. He has a right to know what’s going on with his children. Not sure why you said your ex is withholding cs, sounds like the payments are going to the state every pay period so he has no control over when you actually get the money. When your ex finds out you had the kids lie for you, and he takes you back to court, the judge will slam you for this. Good luck parenting your middle schooler and high schooler who you gave permission to be liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s their father.

Exactly. They are not ”your” kids.

And you are a very bad parent if you put them in the middle and pressured them to lie to their father.

Tell their father the truth Apologize to him and the kids. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Get therapy.

I feel really bad for your children . You are teaching them awful lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: When my daughter was in seventh grade, I enrolled her at a small private school because her zoned public school was huge, full of drug problems, and I could tell that academically, she was falling through the cracks. A year later I enrolled my other daughter. My kids are now in ninth and sixth grade.

When I first enrolled my oldest, my ex was deployed in the military. The girls' school never came up in conversation until last year when he asked my oldest what school she went to by text, and I told her to lie and say she was still in public. I don't want him to know that my kids go to private because he has been withholding child support (he claims that the state has been holding the support, but I could get the money quicker if he gave one big payment a month and not divide it into 2-3 payments a month). If he finds out that my daughters go to private school, he will wonder how I can afford a pricey private school. My kids get financial aid and the tuition that is not covered by aid is paid for by one of my relatives. I don't want my ex to be nosy about my financials. On top of that, the school is religious. I don't know how he would react to that. I am the custodial parent; I am in complete control over my children's education according to our divorce papers, but I don't want this to become an issue. My daughters don't want to switch schools. Even if he doesn't care about the fact that it is a religious school, he might continue to withhold money if he finds out my kids attend private school. Should I continue to lie to my ex? When is the appropriate time to confess this, when my oldest graduates?

I would tell him if he asks but end the conversation there. The child support is being garnished and you're legally the sole authority on their educational decisions. You're in the clear here but don't burden yourself with unnecessary lying. He doesn't need to agree with their schooling choices any more than you need to agree with his clothing choices. Per your custody arrangement, their schooling is simply none of his business any longer. If he wants to challenge it, let him work it through the system.

[Anonymous]

He did ask and you refused to tell him or lied about where the kids went to school. Why would he keep asking for you and the kids to lie? If he's smart he'd lawyer up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get sole custody and sole control of educational decisions? What was that based on?

Before we were divorced, I was already the primary parent. I volunteered at the schools and I enrolled the kids. It was his idea to give me sole control of educational decisions. I don't have sole custody; the kids see him every weekend when he does not have to work.

They see him regularly and you make them they lie about what school they go to? My, my, OP. What a tangled web.

He has only asked once.

NP - well, you are lucky then.

Look, everyone on the thread agrees that you were wrong to ask your kid(s) to lie to him. You have a chance now not to repeat that mistake. But you are going to have to let the rest go. Do what is legally required to get child support and have the kids wear some spirit gear at the next visit and move on. They can tell him they made a mistake if he's surprised ("Mom said it was public. I didn't know.") Figure out a way to get it out into the open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get sole custody and sole control of educational decisions? What was that based on?

Before we were divorced, I was already the primary parent. I volunteered at the schools and I enrolled the kids. It was his idea to give me sole control of educational decisions. I don't have sole custody; the kids see him every weekend when he does not have to work.

They see him regularly and you make them they lie about what school they go to? My, my, OP. What a tangled web.

He has only asked once.

NP - well, you are lucky then.

Look, everyone on the thread agrees that you were wrong to ask your kid(s) to lie to him. You have a chance now not to repeat that mistake. But you are going to have to let the rest go. Do what is legally required to get child support and have the kids wear some spirit gear at the next visit and move on. They can tell him they made a mistake if he's surprised ("Mom said it was public. I didn't know.") Figure out a way to get it out into the open.

One lie on top.of another. How about just the truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you get sole custody and sole control of educational decisions? What was that based on?

Before we were divorced, I was already the primary parent. I volunteered at the schools and I enrolled the kids. It was his idea to give me sole control of educational decisions. I don't have sole custody; the kids see him every weekend when he does not have to work.

They see him regularly and you make them they lie about what school they go to? My, my, OP. What a tangled web.

He has only asked once.

NP - well, you are lucky then.

Look, everyone on the thread agrees that you were wrong to ask your kid(s) to lie to him. You have a chance now not to repeat that mistake. But you are going to have to let the rest go. Do what is legally required to get child support and have the kids wear some spirit gear at the next visit and move on. They can tell him they made a mistake if he's surprised ("Mom said it was public. I didn't know.") Figure out a way to get it out into the open.

Hard no, you don't tell the kids to lie. You tell him the truth that you enrolled them in private and here is the information and let the school know so he is included in emails/information. She is getting child support. She wants it paid on a specific date. She got a garnishment through the child support office and often it takes 1-2 weeks to process the check and get it sent out to her. That's not his fault. If he were paying directly and late, it would be his fault but that's how the system is set up.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re going to have to tell him eventually - I assume he will attend their graduations. Might as well figure out how to get it over with now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you’re going to have to tell him eventually - I assume he will attend their graduations. Might as well figure out how to get it over with now.

She does not allow dad in their life except an occasional visit. By graduation he’ll completely be cut off so it’s a nonissue.