Reply to DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

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[quote=Anonymous]You say you need her to know you support her and you want to help her find her way back to you, but this is really a way of making it about yourself. YOU are the one who needs the assurance--not her. You're afraid she'll leave for college and never come back in the way you'd like her to. That's understandable. But maybe that's not what she needs, and you need to give her the space to sort things out on her own. The physical and emotional distance that college provides should help things unless you don't respect that space. You have to trust her a bit here. You can't force someone to want a relationship with you. Both parties have to be willing. And the kind of relationship she wants with you might be different than what you want.

My mom and I did not have a good relationship when I was a teenager, for many reasons. But one of the things that I appreciated the most about her was that once I left for college, she let me live my life. There were still expectations, of course, but she stopped trying to control everything and she never burdened me with her own emotional needs. In hindsight, I'm sure it was hard on her to not hear from me very often, and to see me only at holidays during the school year. I'm sure she worried about me constantly. I'm sure she wanted a closer relationship with me. But she never put that on me. She let me know she loved me and was there if I needed her, but then she backed off and trusted me to live my life.

Our relationship got much better once I left for college. We actually enjoyed each other's company after a while in large part because she treated me more like an adult peer. She died of cancer right after I graduated. I'd like to think that our newfound camaraderie would've lasted, but I really don't know. Although I'm sure if she were still alive, we'd find something to argue about on occasion and she'd still be driving me nuts in some way!

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