DH pursuing new jobs with harder logistics for family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

It’s not fair to assume that when they haven’t even tried.

OP has a responsibility to work with her husband to find a way to support his being in a new job that’s better for him. OP’s husband has a responsibility not to leave the logistics to her, and to care how it will affect the family, and to work as hard as she does to make it happen.

OP, sorry if you said this and I missed it, but have you asked him what his plan is for childcare coverage in this new situation? This is both of your problem to solve.

It may be worth doing, even if the money doesn’t work out, if it’s better for his career and mental health. Even if you are losing money for a while, the childcare years are not forever. The impact on his career might be longer lasting.

But you should absolutely not be figuring this out alone!

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to mention to get on aftercare lists now, don’t wait until he has an offer. You can always say no to the aftercare spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to have a level-headed heart to heart once he gets $ info to figure out what will be needed to make it work. Options include any of the following:

- hiring supplemental childcare
- him negotiating for more money to afford supplemental childcare
- either or both of you negotiating for more telework
- moving closer to your job(s)
- moving the kids schools and appointments closer to your job(s)
- him not taking the job

I don't list you switching jobs, because that is not wise for the primary breadwinner who didn't want a new job in the first place.

You left out the option of kids staying in aftercare until 5-6. This is what families routinely did prior to covid.

+1 My elem. kid attended a Y aftercare program 5 days/week (closed at 6:30). Preschool/pre-k went until 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Op here. This is a big part of the issue for me. My younger DC has ADHD and a language disorder and really does not do well with a super long day. Even with our current schedule, he is very obviously overwhelmed, overstimulated, and exhausted. Putting him in a long care situation is not desirable for me.

Thanks again for all of the suggestions. I realize some of this probably sounds defensive or like I don’t want to solve a solvable problem. I really want my DH to be happier — I just am scared of change and worried about my kids’ happiness and well-being. If I had a magic wand, I’d trade places with him or quit my job but that’s not the reality at the moment. Perhaps this new opportunity would be a stepping stone to get there though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Op here. This is a big part of the issue for me. My younger DC has ADHD and a language disorder and really does not do well with a super long day. Even with our current schedule, he is very obviously overwhelmed, overstimulated, and exhausted. Putting him in a long care situation is not desirable for me.

Thanks again for all of the suggestions. I realize some of this probably sounds defensive or like I don’t want to solve a solvable problem. I really want my DH to be happier — I just am scared of change and worried about my kids’ happiness and well-being. If I had a magic wand, I’d trade places with him or quit my job but that’s not the reality at the moment. Perhaps this new opportunity would be a stepping stone to get there though.

My opinion? Put your marriage first. It can be really demoralizing when people have to continue to make sacrifices for their kids’ special circumstances. It puts a tremendous amount of strain on relationships. People deserve to have jobs they enjoy and that can lead to even better opportunities. We usually move heaven and earth for our kids, but I strongly believe we adults needs to also look out for our mental health too. I would avoid looking at this from a position that’s he sacrificing his son for himself. That’s a very toxic and inaccurate way of approaching it. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Well said PP.

People shouldn’t have to return to the pre-COVID dysfunction as if that’s the only option.

[Anonymous]

Oh I want to get a new job. I’ve tried and had to turn down great offers because it was a pay cut that we can’t afford and/or the health insurance isn’t as good as what we have. We have our kid in therapy several days a week so health insurance is a huge deal.

I literally said above that if I had a magic wand, I’d trade spot with him or quit my job. I actually would love to be the one with the more flexible job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I want to get a new job. I’ve tried and had to turn down great offers because it was a pay cut that we can’t afford and/or the health insurance isn’t as good as what we have. We have our kid in therapy several days a week so health insurance is a huge deal.

I literally said above that if I had a magic wand, I’d trade spot with him or quit my job. I actually would love to be the one with the more flexible job.

There are ways to adjust lifestyle to accommodate this. We have terrible insurance and we make many other financial sacrifices to have a sane life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Op here. This is a big part of the issue for me. My younger DC has ADHD and a language disorder and really does not do well with a super long day. Even with our current schedule, he is very obviously overwhelmed, overstimulated, and exhausted. Putting him in a long care situation is not desirable for me.

Thanks again for all of the suggestions. I realize some of this probably sounds defensive or like I don’t want to solve a solvable problem. I really want my DH to be happier — I just am scared of change and worried about my kids’ happiness and well-being. If I had a magic wand, I’d trade places with him or quit my job but that’s not the reality at the moment. Perhaps this new opportunity would be a stepping stone to get there though.

My opinion? Put your marriage first. It can be really demoralizing when people have to continue to make sacrifices for their kids’ special circumstances. It puts a tremendous amount of strain on relationships. People deserve to have jobs they enjoy and that can lead to even better opportunities. We usually move heaven and earth for our kids, but I strongly believe we adults needs to also look out for our mental health too. I would avoid looking at this from a position that’s he sacrificing his son for himself. That’s a very toxic and inaccurate way of approaching it. Good luck OP!

yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Well said PP.

People shouldn’t have to return to the pre-COVID dysfunction as if that’s the only option.

Well the other option is what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I want to get a new job. I’ve tried and had to turn down great offers because it was a pay cut that we can’t afford and/or the health insurance isn’t as good as what we have. We have our kid in therapy several days a week so health insurance is a huge deal.

I literally said above that if I had a magic wand, I’d trade spot with him or quit my job. I actually would love to be the one with the more flexible job.

Your kid may not need that much therapy. Or explore SN schools or a public program like PEP with an IEP. Also sounds like they may qualify for an autism dx, which could open the door for after school ABA programs or full day programs.

Also remember that FMLA and sick leave cover therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Well said PP.

People shouldn’t have to return to the pre-COVID dysfunction as if that’s the only option.

Well the other option is what?

Downshift, downsize, own less, do less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it pay enough that you can afford extra childcare?

Possibly - but I am concerned about finding it. My best guess is it would be about a 25k pay increase for him, but I really just don't know.

What we would really need is someone to pick our kids up at school around 4 and be with them until around 6. We would not have the budget for a full-time nanny.

Plenty of people have an after-school babysitter. You could be one of those families.