DH pursuing new jobs with harder logistics for family

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it all. I do feel a little selfish, that's why I even came here - so I appreciate that too. You are 100% that I don't want my world rattled. I feel like I have already adjusted my job as much as is possible while still keeping it -- there is no way I get get more telework, I already do flex my hours to the max I can, etc. -- so any kind of change is really daunting.

I held back some details because I know people who read here and don't want out myself but we have been on a bit of a journey with diagnosis and setting up therapy for our SN kid and the fact that I don't want to make new arrangements to cover all of what I just set up is definitely a big part of it.

But you are right that tons of people do make aftercare work and that is an option available for us. It's not a great one for my SN kid because of the diagnosis but I can look into it.

I did bad math on the money, probably because I honestly don't know what this job will pay. He is going to pursue it to the offer stage and we will figure it out from there, I guess.

[Anonymous]

It sounds cruddy but being unhappy at work is also really cruddy. I think once he gets an offer you can discuss it all, but I would defer discussion till he has an offer. This problem could solve itself if he doesn’t get one or the money is terrible. But there are also ways to make life work if you guys decide it’s worth trying.

[Anonymous]

What did people do before Covid where both parents worked mostly out of the home, without many flexibilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did people do before Covid where both parents worked mostly out of the home, without many flexibilities?

There were lots of staggered schedules. But also, aftercares had more capacity and were better staffed in the before times. The labor market is still wild and, in my experience, hiring people for roles like part-time child care or aftercare is MUCH harder than it's ever been.

[Anonymous]

I think it's okay to hire help and pay for good help, until your younger DC starts public school, even if that means you're not saving any money. It's only a few years, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did people do before Covid where both parents worked mostly out of the home, without many flexibilities?

There were lots of staggered schedules. But also, aftercares had more capacity and were better staffed in the before times. The labor market is still wild and, in my experience, hiring people for roles like part-time child care or aftercare is MUCH harder than it's ever been.

Our FCPS aftercare is still at COVID capacity. It seems like most people in our neighborhood have at least one person at home or full time WFH to make school logistics work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did people do before Covid where both parents worked mostly out of the home, without many flexibilities?

There were lots of staggered schedules. But also, aftercares had more capacity and were better staffed in the before times. The labor market is still wild and, in my experience, hiring people for roles like part-time child care or aftercare is MUCH harder than it's ever been.

Our FCPS aftercare is still at COVID capacity. It seems like most people in our neighborhood have at least one person at home or full time WFH to make school logistics work.

The best option is to hire someone to do the driving and after school care. It could be a SAHM, a retiree, a child care worker who just wants an afternoon shift, a college student, an au pair, or someone looking for a side gig to boost income. It may not be as ideal as Dad picking them up, but, it can work until a waitlist spot opens. Basically, OP should go in with an open “we’ll make it work” mindset. The therapies will be the trickiest aspect, but maybe your DH can negotiate one flex afternoon for the appointments.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear in your post that you are stretched thing, cannot pick up one more thing, and also worry that the logistics that are working well for your family now won't be possible with a move for your spouse.

Reading between the lines, are you the person who sets up all the logistics and then he executes because he is more available? Would it be possible for him to retain the logistics role, but just do less of it himself? (ie, he hires someone for pickups/child care, he figures out how to ensure the kid's therapy needs are met, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did people do before Covid where both parents worked mostly out of the home, without many flexibilities?

HMMM how could everything else change about the working world, labor market, etc. but aftercare capacity stayed exactly the same as pre-COVID. Even grocery stores have change their hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear in your post that you are stretched thing, cannot pick up one more thing, and also worry that the logistics that are working well for your family now won't be possible with a move for your spouse.

Reading between the lines, are you the person who sets up all the logistics and then he executes because he is more available? Would it be possible for him to retain the logistics role, but just do less of it himself? (ie, he hires someone for pickups/child care, he figures out how to ensure the kid's therapy needs are met, etc)

OP here. Thanks for this thought. I do set up all the logistics. I execute a fair amount too but he is the one who can reliably be at school in fifteen minutes which has real value to our family from my perspective. Part of this is probably my own issue because I had a SAHM as a kid sand really no model for how two working-parent families make it work, and honestly wish I could be the one in the more flex role.

It is a good suggestion to see if he can find the person to do pick-ups etc. He has never traditionally filled that role but there is no reason he couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it pay enough that you can afford extra childcare?

Possibly - but I am concerned about finding it. My best guess is it would be about a 25k pay increase for him, but I really just don't know.

What we would really need is someone to pick our kids up at school around 4 and be with them until around 6. We would not have the budget for a full-time nanny.

Kids go to aftercare - one parent works the early shift and does pickup, other parent does drop-off and later shift.

Exactly. This is a common scenario in our area. You just make it work.

[Anonymous]

Put the ES kid in aftercare, schedule the therapy on a day you WFH, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Use after-care. We all wanted a 4p to 6p driving sitter, and no-one wants to do that job unless you pay them a ton more than you want, give them more hours than you need, and/or be prepared for 3-4 flakings a month that will eff up your work schedule and inner peace way more than just using after-care.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

[Anonymous]

I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.