DH pursuing new jobs with harder logistics for family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use after-care. We all wanted a 4p to 6p driving sitter, and no-one wants to do that job unless you pay them a ton more than you want, give them more hours than you need, and/or be prepared for 3-4 flakings a month that will eff up your work schedule and inner peace way more than just using after-care.

This. You will always get a poster or two claiming they successfully have the daily 4:00-6:00 pickup/in-home care reliably covered for a remotely reasonable rate, but even if it were true, they’ve found a unicorn. This is a job that every family wants to hire for and damn near nobody wants to do, multiple days a week for just a few hours in the middle of the day for $15-$25/hr. No, not even “SAHMs, retired people or college students.”

If your husband takes this job, you’ll become an aftercare family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use after-care. We all wanted a 4p to 6p driving sitter, and no-one wants to do that job unless you pay them a ton more than you want, give them more hours than you need, and/or be prepared for 3-4 flakings a month that will eff up your work schedule and inner peace way more than just using after-care.

This. You will always get a poster or two claiming they successfully have the daily 4:00-6:00 pickup/in-home care reliably covered for a remotely reasonable rate, but even if it were true, they’ve found a unicorn. This is a job that every family wants to hire for and damn near nobody wants to do, multiple days a week for just a few hours in the middle of the day for $15-$25/hr. No, not even “SAHMs, retired people or college students.”

If your husband takes this job, you’ll become an aftercare family.

Yup. This is basically a mythical arrangement.

I used to need this and a SAHM now. I wouldn’t take this shift for $100/hr because it’s the most chaotic part of my day too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

Oh so it should be OP’s burden to bear alone? HE can STAY in his job now that works for the kids and family. HE just does not want to.

[Anonymous]

What job pays less than 60k?

[Anonymous]

This is the quintessential example of how families that used to do fine on one income no longer do. There is always one more job than people. There’s one career per adult and then the SAH responsibilities that used to be someone’s FT job. So it’s always juggling.

[Anonymous]

On the aftercare issue, in our MCPS elementary, the aftercare slots are gone by the end of the week after which registration opens for new families (typically the first week of May). I don’t know where you are OP, but it’s something to consider. Aftercare at school may not be available for SY23-24.

[Anonymous]

You are looking at this too short term. If it's a better opportunity and leads to more in the future, the additional costs and logistics will turn out to be trivial in the long term.

[Anonymous]

This is hard! Like most families with 2+ kids, we have delicate balance to make the 3-8pm logistics work. I would want my spouse to be happy and fulfilled, but I don’t think one person can make a decision that unilaterally disrupts the balance. I also don’t think it’s right to make the person with the new job deal with all the babysitter logistics. Ideally you agree as a couple to pursue the new opportunity and you have a plan for how you will jointly manage childcare. As a fellow female breadwinner, I recognize that the hiring and coordination of extra childcare often falls on the female half of a heterosexual couple. The word of mouth network to find good babysitters travels through moms and caregivers usually communicate with the mom first.

I would ask him to lay out how he thinks it will work. He needs to think through issues and solutions. I don’t think you should be penny wise and pound foolish over the short term inconvenience. If the long term upside is worthwhile, you may need to both invest mentally and financially in making the new venture successful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it pay enough that you can afford extra childcare?

Possibly - but I am concerned about finding it. My best guess is it would be about a 25k pay increase for him, but I really just don't know.

What we would really need is someone to pick our kids up at school around 4 and be with them until around 6. We would not have the budget for a full-time nanny.

Kids go to aftercare - one parent works the early shift and does pickup, other parent does drop-off and later shift.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Well said PP.

People shouldn’t have to return to the pre-COVID dysfunction as if that’s the only option.

Well the other option is what?

Downshift, downsize, own less, do less.

So your advice is that her DH doesn’t take the job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard! Like most families with 2+ kids, we have delicate balance to make the 3-8pm logistics work. I would want my spouse to be happy and fulfilled, but I don’t think one person can make a decision that unilaterally disrupts the balance. I also don’t think it’s right to make the person with the new job deal with all the babysitter logistics. Ideally you agree as a couple to pursue the new opportunity and you have a plan for how you will jointly manage childcare. As a fellow female breadwinner, I recognize that the hiring and coordination of extra childcare often falls on the female half of a heterosexual couple. The word of mouth network to find good babysitters travels through moms and caregivers usually communicate with the mom first.

I would ask him to lay out how he thinks it will work. He needs to think through issues and solutions. I don’t think you should be penny wise and pound foolish over the short term inconvenience. If the long term upside is worthwhile, you may need to both invest mentally and financially in making the new venture successful

Exactly. And he needs to expressly do the math about how is increased salary will go to increased childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use after-care. We all wanted a 4p to 6p driving sitter, and no-one wants to do that job unless you pay them a ton more than you want, give them more hours than you need, and/or be prepared for 3-4 flakings a month that will eff up your work schedule and inner peace way more than just using after-care.

This. You will always get a poster or two claiming they successfully have the daily 4:00-6:00 pickup/in-home care reliably covered for a remotely reasonable rate, but even if it were true, they’ve found a unicorn. This is a job that every family wants to hire for and damn near nobody wants to do, multiple days a week for just a few hours in the middle of the day for $15-$25/hr. No, not even “SAHMs, retired people or college students.”

If your husband takes this job, you’ll become an aftercare family.

Yup. This is basically a mythical arrangement.

I used to need this and a SAHM now. I wouldn’t take this shift for $100/hr because it’s the most chaotic part of my day too.

The people I know with this arrangement pay more but they also ask the individual who assist with household tasks (eg , grocery shopping, meeting contractor for easy work).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

Oh so it should be OP’s burden to bear alone? HE can STAY in his job now that works for the kids and family. HE just does not want to.

I wonder what people would say if the genders were reversed.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t complicated at all. You’re already overwhelmed bc like most working moms you’re shouldering too much of the logistics. That changes first. If he wants the new job that’s going to make him even less available, you guys outsource cleaning/childcare/whatever. Balance it out and stop being taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use after-care. We all wanted a 4p to 6p driving sitter, and no-one wants to do that job unless you pay them a ton more than you want, give them more hours than you need, and/or be prepared for 3-4 flakings a month that will eff up your work schedule and inner peace way more than just using after-care.

This. You will always get a poster or two claiming they successfully have the daily 4:00-6:00 pickup/in-home care reliably covered for a remotely reasonable rate, but even if it were true, they’ve found a unicorn. This is a job that every family wants to hire for and damn near nobody wants to do, multiple days a week for just a few hours in the middle of the day for $15-$25/hr. No, not even “SAHMs, retired people or college students.”

If your husband takes this job, you’ll become an aftercare family.

The SAHM, retired person, college student suggestion was only until after care opened up. She said there is a wait list so need alternative suggestions.