DH pursuing new jobs with harder logistics for family
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Anonymous
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This is a vent/gut check kind of post, I guess. I am a DW who works a job that is mostly in-person (3-5 days per week in the office, depending on what is going on, generally I can squeak in one telework day). It's in DC, about a 40-minute commute to our house. I am able to be about as flexible as I would want to be, aside from the in-person requirement, which I have made peace with. I carry our health insurance, which is extremely good, and I am the breadwinner by about $60k.
DH works largely from home (3-4 days per week at home) and when he does have to go in, it's a much shorter commute -- 15 minutes tops. We have one kid in early elementary and another in pre-K who also has some special needs and needs to be driven to therapy. He generally is the one who does the after-school pick up for the elementary DC and I grab our younger DC from daycare on the way home. My DH is not happy in his job for a number of reasons, many of which are legitimate, but he has a lot of stability and pretty much infinite flexibility. I feel like his WFH capability combined with the proximity of his office to our house are what allow the logistics of our life to work (camps ending at 4pm, after school activities, therapy for the youngest, etc.). He is looking for new jobs and is in the final round for something that is 5 days a week in office in DC and would likely expect at least 9-5 hours, which is not at all unreasonable but would really decimate our logistics. They haven't talked money yet (big red flag IMO), but I think he would make more than what he does now but less or about the same as I do. This would be a really good title and could possibly lead to other opportunities. I also think his professional contacts would find the move impressive. But the logistics just won't work and there is no chance it will pay enough that I can take a lower paying, more flexible job (I have had trouble finding this anyway), and certainly it won't pay enough that I can quit. I am so frustrated and flustered that he is considering this. Of course, I want him to be happy, but I am hanging on by a thread many weeks with our life logistics, and this would really throw things into a tornado. On the other hand, I feel selfish for not letting him pursue something he really wants to do. Am I unreasonable to be bothered by this? |
Anonymous
| Will it pay enough that you can afford extra childcare? |
Anonymous
Possibly - but I am concerned about finding it. My best guess is it would be about a 25k pay increase for him, but I really just don't know. What we would really need is someone to pick our kids up at school around 4 and be with them until around 6. We would not have the budget for a full-time nanny. |
Anonymous
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Your DH sounds like th job of my DH. Mine is the busier job and more interesting/ higher paying as well. I do love how much DH can do now at home and re kids as ours are young. But it isn't fair for him to take a backseat indefinitely. I know in my case mine has been very supportive with my changes that did make our routines harder.
I would sit down and talk about how you would juggle logistics and if that would include more outsourcing and paid help etc. Show appreciation for all he's doing now and some empathy for his interest in a better job. Agree that the job needs to be worth it re $ so that you can actually figure out the logistics. |
Anonymous
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You need to have a level-headed heart to heart once he gets $ info to figure out what will be needed to make it work. Options include any of the following:
- hiring supplemental childcare - him negotiating for more money to afford supplemental childcare - either or both of you negotiating for more telework - moving closer to your job(s) - moving the kids schools and appointments closer to your job(s) - him not taking the job I don't list you switching jobs, because that is not wise for the primary breadwinner who didn't want a new job in the first place. |
Anonymous
| You need to actually have the logistical discussion with him so he’s not assuming that you will pick up the slack. Before covid, plenty of families had two FT working parents with commutes. You just have to stagger your hours and resign yourself to kids being in daycare/aftercare longer that you might want. For the therapy appointments, you need to both get FMLA so you can alternate weeks for therapy. Also consider whether weekly therapy is actually needed (especially OT). Your DH may not be able to get FMLA for a year but he should be upfront with needing to take sick leave every other week for the appointment. |
Anonymous
Kids go to aftercare - one parent works the early shift and does pickup, other parent does drop-off and later shift. |
Anonymous
How are you the breadwinner by 60k but a job that's you guess would make "about the same as I do" is only a 25k bump? It sounds like you're preemptively devaluing the positives of this job (money, title, growth potential, his mental health) because you're fixated on how it might inconvenience you. Not a great look. Wait until the offer is made and encourage him to negotiate ($$ and in person requirement) at that point. Don't just sit around stewing about how you might have to step up in another area if he gets a better job. |
Anonymous
Nope not unreasonable. But you need to have a serious sit-down conversation at what the logistics look like if he takes the job. My DH is similar and is going from both of us WAH FT to him being in the office 5 days a week. Our son is entering K and they have no afterschool programs and the afterschool programs around us are at capacity/too expensive. It is not a good trade-off to me even though he is getting about 600 more a month because if we have to use aftercare its about 300-400/mo and we will be spending 100-150 more in gas for his commute. He will barely see our son. Wont be able to coach soccer, take him to practice. Will be in a SCIF and unreachable (effectively). Two working parents either need flexible hours/WAH or staggered schedules like shift workers or a SAHP or enough funds to have a nanny or family help. |
Anonymous
You left out the option of kids staying in aftercare until 5-6. This is what families routinely did prior to covid. |
Anonymous
| My DD has been on the waitlist for SAAC for 2 years and can't get off of it. It's not that easy to find aftercare. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry, I think you’re being a little selfish here. Your husband has a right to find a new job especially if it’s a better opportunity. The fact that it’s in-person shouldn’t matter. Your family will adjust. I would not try to hold him back, that would be extremely unfair of you, as it seems you just don’t want your world rattled. Your older son could go to after care, and you both will have to take turns bringing your other son to therapies or adjusting the times. Many people do this! |
Anonymous
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If the waitlist at older kid's school is too long, look into private aftercare options. Some do pick ups from the school. Start inquiring at the school about which ones do pick up there.
Another option: if you have an extra room in your house, consider getting an au pair. We started doing this when DC1 started elementary and DC2 was still in daycare. Their schedules were very different and we needed the coverage and flexibility to make it work. |
Anonymous
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I don't think he should turn down this job due to childcare logistics if he likes it and it is better for his career. But before he accepts, you need to make clear this will mean hiring more help, which could mean less money overall. Discuss with him what the logistics will look like.
Maybe he could negotiate one telework day. Maybe he could negotiate being allowed to leave early and then work from home. It shouldn't be all on you. |
Anonymous
| It's not good for someone to stay in a job he or she is unhappy with just to be able to pick kids up from school. It sounds like you guys make enough to afford a nanny. |