DH pursuing new jobs with harder logistics for family

[Anonymous]

Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did people do before Covid where both parents worked mostly out of the home, without many flexibilities?

There were lots of staggered schedules. But also, aftercares had more capacity and were better staffed in the before times. The labor market is still wild and, in my experience, hiring people for roles like part-time child care or aftercare is MUCH harder than it's ever been.

Our FCPS aftercare is still at COVID capacity. It seems like most people in our neighborhood have at least one person at home or full time WFH to make school logistics work.

The best option is to hire someone to do the driving and after school care. It could be a SAHM, a retiree, a child care worker who just wants an afternoon shift, a college student, an au pair, or someone looking for a side gig to boost income. It may not be as ideal as Dad picking them up, but, it can work until a waitlist spot opens. Basically, OP should go in with an open “we’ll make it work” mindset. The therapies will be the trickiest aspect, but maybe your DH can negotiate one flex afternoon for the appointments.

Where does one hire this unicorn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

LOL, none of that is biology. Humans did not evolve to sit in offices OR drive to SN therapy. Social conditioning is real and runs deep, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I want to get a new job. I’ve tried and had to turn down great offers because it was a pay cut that we can’t afford and/or the health insurance isn’t as good as what we have. We have our kid in therapy several days a week so health insurance is a huge deal.

I literally said above that if I had a magic wand, I’d trade spot with him or quit my job. I actually would love to be the one with the more flexible job.

It sounds like it is not going to work for you to have 2 WOH jobs unless you can get a full time caretaker for the kids, given your DC’s special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

I agree. As a woman, I’d be pissed if my husband discouraged me from taking an exciting job opportunity so I could do school pick up. The idea is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it pay enough that you can afford extra childcare?

Possibly - but I am concerned about finding it. My best guess is it would be about a 25k pay increase for him, but I really just don't know.

What we would really need is someone to pick our kids up at school around 4 and be with them until around 6. We would not have the budget for a full-time nanny.

Doesn’t the school have aftercare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

Cool, then he better earn the money to make their life smoother. Which I’m sure he’d want to do - biology and all.

[Anonymous]

If the roles were reversed, and you were the one messing up logistics with a new job, you would be on the hook for figuring it out. Right?

So. What's his plan for child transportation and before/after care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

I agree. As a woman, I’d be pissed if my husband discouraged me from taking an exciting job opportunity so I could do school pick up. The idea is absurd.

So then who does school pickup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

Fine then the DH can roll all of his raise into a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

LOL, none of that is biology. Humans did not evolve to sit in offices OR drive to SN therapy. Social conditioning is real and runs deep, though.

It’s not true, sitting in offices has become a modern way to achieve, and more men place this higher than taking care of household tasks
Doesn’t matter. What she expects is understandable but not realistic for many men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

Fine then the DH can roll all of his raise into a nanny.

Yes this may well be a solution. However she says he most likely won’t be earning more than before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

Cool, then he better earn the money to make their life smoother. Which I’m sure he’d want to do - biology and all.

He sees the new job as a step in that direction (as I understand)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

Oh so it should be OP’s burden to bear alone? HE can STAY in his job now that works for the kids and family. HE just does not want to.

I wonder what people would say if the genders were reversed.

They’d tell the mom to hold on to her flexible job. It happens literally every day on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Well said PP.

People shouldn’t have to return to the pre-COVID dysfunction as if that’s the only option.

Well the other option is what?

Downshift, downsize, own less, do less.

I actually agree with this