DH pursuing new jobs with harder logistics for family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

Oh so it should be OP’s burden to bear alone? HE can STAY in his job now that works for the kids and family. HE just does not want to.

I wonder what people would say if the genders were reversed.

They’d tell the mom to hold on to her flexible job. It happens literally every day on this board.

Oh my god yes. Because the expectation is that she’s always going to be the one to make it work- figure it out, deal with whatever crisis, find the therapy, when meds are needed do the dozens of waitlists to get in with a pediatric psychiatrist, do all the paperwork and advocating for an IEP/504. Except OP is already doing all of that plus being the breadwinner and carrying the insurance.

OP, from a fellow SN mom who had to lean out hard to take care of my kid during some rough years you are very wise to not assume after care is going to work well. Or frankly that anything is going to be smooth. I hope that your DH is realistic about these things and shares your concerns about making sure your youngest is ok. My DH eventually got it but I essentially hated him by that time because he essentially resented out child for not being up for what everyone else was up for (despite my handling easily 90 percent of the burden)

Early Elementary is a HARD age for kids like that. Don’t give in without a plan. This is not the only alternative job in the world. You can commit to continuing to look for a more flexible position too. I don’t know where we’d be if I didn’t have the flexibility I have - I guess I’d quit and we’d figure it out. But really really be honest about your kids challenges and do not agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with - you will resent him so much if your child is struggling in aftercare in a year. And those mythical after school babysitters? They don’t want to watch SN kids and they can pick and choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very pro working hard, being focused on career. That said, my kid with pretty minor SNs did not thrive in after care. There are some kids with sensory needs, intensity needs, depression, anxiety, etc (basically, the pretty common SNs that kids have - probably impacting 10-15% of the population) really shouldn't be in a 10 hour school setting. My kid was a kid who needed to be picked up at 3 and decompress by himself at home. In 5th grade now, and he's still very much that way, and not much into after school activities. So dropping a kid in aftercare isn't just a "that's just what parents have to do" answer for these kids. And OP said her preschool kid has SNs. Sure, some parents have no choice. But reality is here that these parents DO have a choice. So assuming the younger kid will struggle in all day childcare, your DH is essentially picking: his mental health or the kid's mental health.

Op here. This is a big part of the issue for me. My younger DC has ADHD and a language disorder and really does not do well with a super long day. Even with our current schedule, he is very obviously overwhelmed, overstimulated, and exhausted. Putting him in a long care situation is not desirable for me.

Thanks again for all of the suggestions. I realize some of this probably sounds defensive or like I don’t want to solve a solvable problem. I really want my DH to be happier — I just am scared of change and worried about my kids’ happiness and well-being. If I had a magic wand, I’d trade places with him or quit my job but that’s not the reality at the moment. Perhaps this new opportunity would be a stepping stone to get there though.

My opinion? Put your marriage first. It can be really demoralizing when people have to continue to make sacrifices for their kids’ special circumstances. It puts a tremendous amount of strain on relationships. People deserve to have jobs they enjoy and that can lead to even better opportunities. We usually move heaven and earth for our kids, but I strongly believe we adults needs to also look out for our mental health too. I would avoid looking at this from a position that’s he sacrificing his son for himself. That’s a very toxic and inaccurate way of approaching it. Good luck OP!

DP, the idea of a DH putting his career above his special needs son is so appalling it would be a real marriage wound to me.

[Anonymous]

This is hard. DH chooses a position that is very hard on me and our family. He could make as much working locally but us would be regular hours. He travels in his current position.

I will say it is tough being the person who has to do all the pick-up/ drop-off, the one that is home all the time, takes care of DC when school is off or they are home sick.

Agree with PPs that you need to discuss the opportunity, but all the consequences of the job change and how to mitigate those putting DC’s needs as a high priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

Oh so it should be OP’s burden to bear alone? HE can STAY in his job now that works for the kids and family. HE just does not want to.

I wonder what people would say if the genders were reversed.

They’d tell the mom to hold on to her flexible job. It happens literally every day on this board.

Oh my god yes. Because the expectation is that she’s always going to be the one to make it work- figure it out, deal with whatever crisis, find the therapy, when meds are needed do the dozens of waitlists to get in with a pediatric psychiatrist, do all the paperwork and advocating for an IEP/504. Except OP is already doing all of that plus being the breadwinner and carrying the insurance.

OP, from a fellow SN mom who had to lean out hard to take care of my kid during some rough years you are very wise to not assume after care is going to work well. Or frankly that anything is going to be smooth. I hope that your DH is realistic about these things and shares your concerns about making sure your youngest is ok. My DH eventually got it but I essentially hated him by that time because he essentially resented out child for not being up for what everyone else was up for (despite my handling easily 90 percent of the burden)

Early Elementary is a HARD age for kids like that. Don’t give in without a plan. This is not the only alternative job in the world. You can commit to continuing to look for a more flexible position too. I don’t know where we’d be if I didn’t have the flexibility I have - I guess I’d quit and we’d figure it out. But really really be honest about your kids challenges and do not agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with - you will resent him so much if your child is struggling in aftercare in a year. And those mythical after school babysitters? They don’t want to watch SN kids and they can pick and choose.

Me again- IF this new offer comes with more money than you expect (and the possibility that they will offer great insurance) you could consider asking your work if they would let you reduce your hours (to 60-80 percent time). If they don’t have to pay your insurance this can be attractive financially to your employer. This is what I did- rather than finding a new job that was specifically PT once I had a proven myself I requested an hours reduction. I know another person who for years did an extreme early start to her day so she could be home after school. If you are good at your job you might be surprised what people will agree to. Those solutions might require your husband to do more of the morning or be ok with a overall cut in lifestyle despite his promotion but if it’s your preference to be the one home after school you should feel free to look into options that might become available.

Wishing you a lot of luck with these upcoming decisions and discussions.

[Anonymous]

Wow the misogyny on this board is worse than usual today.

OP you need to talk to your husband and say “what are you thinking about your current household and childcare responsibilities when it comes to this position?”

And then listen. Because hopefully as a responsible parent he’s thought of this at least a little. When my DH made a similar move he organized with our housekeeper to come an additional day per week, and he paid out of his discretionary income. The next escalation was going to be fully outsourcing laundry, but with the additional housework done we didn’t need to.

If he has given this no thought whatsoever, or if his default is “we’ll figure it out” then you need to get therapy because this is a profoundly selfish behavior.

But probably he won’t be offered the job or the money will be insufficent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable but you have to remember that despite all the equal rights and feminism talk very few men are happy sitting in a job that doesn’t work for them so that they can pick up their kids on time and driver them to therapy or whatever.
We have forgotten about basic biology.
I am a woman fwiw and not conservative on social issues at all, just realistic about how life works.

LOL, none of that is biology. Humans did not evolve to sit in offices OR drive to SN therapy. Social conditioning is real and runs deep, though.

It’s not true, sitting in offices has become a modern way to achieve, and more men place this higher than taking care of household tasks
Doesn’t matter. What she expects is understandable but not realistic for many men

Then many men should understand the resultant lack of s*x followed by divorce. It’s only biology!

[Anonymous]

The kids can go to aftercare or get a nanny. Yep perfectly fine options. OP is just dismissive of them. The DH clearly thinks it’s doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it pay enough that you can afford extra childcare?

Possibly - but I am concerned about finding it. My best guess is it would be about a 25k pay increase for him, but I really just don't know.

What we would really need is someone to pick our kids up at school around 4 and be with them until around 6. We would not have the budget for a full-time nanny.

I haven’t read all the responses but why is this your problem to solve? If he has made a commitment, in this case having kids and responsibility for afternoon logistics, he needs a new job that will still allow him the flexibility to still do so, or that makes enough money to outsource (and he has to be willing to do the legwork to find that resource) or that really makes enough money for your to pull back in your career assuming you want to do so.

This is the same standard as if you wanted to leave your job. You would need to be a plan on place that covered health insurance, your drop off/pickup responsibilities and the expenses being paid by that extra 60K and it wouldn’t be to put this all on the other person to pick up the slack unless this was a situation where you both agreed prior to rotate and for x years you would have the job that covered xyz and then you would switch responsibilities and he would get the job that covered xyz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DH is enamored of the job and is resisting asking about money or thinking through the logistics because he thinks it won't be what he wants to hear.

Honestly, when I look back at pre-pandemic times as a two-job household with two little kids, I'm amazed at how much stress I thought was normal. And the kids just had to suck it up-- if their issue wasn't an emergency, they had to deal as best they could with the school staff's help, and be in aftercare longer than they wanted to.

Sometimes you can get a college student for the 4-6 time slot, but they'll flake on you the moment their class schedule changes, plus holidays.

So much this. OP is right to worry if her new life would be as bad as my old life was. DH used to call it “lurching from one disaster to the next.”

Okay but that isn’t her DH’s burden to bear alone. OP could get a different job, she just doesn’t want to.

Oh so it should be OP’s burden to bear alone? HE can STAY in his job now that works for the kids and family. HE just does not want to.

I wonder what people would say if the genders were reversed.

They’d tell the mom to hold on to her flexible job. It happens literally every day on this board.

Oh my god yes. Because the expectation is that she’s always going to be the one to make it work- figure it out, deal with whatever crisis, find the therapy, when meds are needed do the dozens of waitlists to get in with a pediatric psychiatrist, do all the paperwork and advocating for an IEP/504. Except OP is already doing all of that plus being the breadwinner and carrying the insurance.

OP, from a fellow SN mom who had to lean out hard to take care of my kid during some rough years you are very wise to not assume after care is going to work well. Or frankly that anything is going to be smooth. I hope that your DH is realistic about these things and shares your concerns about making sure your youngest is ok. My DH eventually got it but I essentially hated him by that time because he essentially resented out child for not being up for what everyone else was up for (despite my handling easily 90 percent of the burden)

Early Elementary is a HARD age for kids like that. Don’t give in without a plan. This is not the only alternative job in the world. You can commit to continuing to look for a more flexible position too. I don’t know where we’d be if I didn’t have the flexibility I have - I guess I’d quit and we’d figure it out. But really really be honest about your kids challenges and do not agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with - you will resent him so much if your child is struggling in aftercare in a year. And those mythical after school babysitters? They don’t want to watch SN kids and they can pick and choose.

Me again- IF this new offer comes with more money than you expect (and the possibility that they will offer great insurance) you could consider asking your work if they would let you reduce your hours (to 60-80 percent time). If they don’t have to pay your insurance this can be attractive financially to your employer. This is what I did- rather than finding a new job that was specifically PT once I had a proven myself I requested an hours reduction. I know another person who for years did an extreme early start to her day so she could be home after school. If you are good at your job you might be surprised what people will agree to. Those solutions might require your husband to do more of the morning or be ok with a overall cut in lifestyle despite his promotion but if it’s your preference to be the one home after school you should feel free to look into options that might become available.

Wishing you a lot of luck with these upcoming decisions and discussions.

Op here. Thank you so much for this compassionate response. I feel very seen and teared up a little when reading it. Wish I knew you in real life.

[Anonymous]

OP, good luck with this, and I hope you and your DH can have some open and honest conversations about this potential career change. I think it will be important for your husband to feel like you care about his professional happiness (which is important!) and for you to feel like your husband cares about pulling his weight from a family logistics standpoint. There seem to be a lot of options to explore where your husband feels he can change jobs and where you don’t seem to be left picking up all the so-called: things like each of your negotiate more work from home days a week and start earlier so you can cover the afternoon, hiring an afternoon nanny (this is what we did for years), etc etc.

Hope he finds a job that he likes better and that you figure our the logistics. Our kids are older now so we are through it, but there were definitely times where I knew we were one logistics hiccup away from real issues professionally. We figured those out and are happy that we kept at it as both of our careers are thriving now.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned that op’s husband probably isn’t getting as much work done as people think what with picking the kid up from school, giving him lunch and then just all that is needed with taking care of a preschooler. Then he has to stopwork assuming he can even start to pick up another kid from school, probably give that kid a snack then when all that’s done take the preschooler to therapy. When does he actually work?

As for you, op, I am actually sympathetic, you’ve been through a lot emotionally. I also think a lot of the suggestions you are given aren’t helpful, you can’t just “ask for more telework” “switch the kids schools” “rearrange your work schedule” and I’d be careful with an au pair, some people love them, others have had horrible experiences. Plus, I personally laughed at having an “extra room” and we live in the suburbs. Hiring help works, but you do need to be aware of the limitations. 2 hours of work is barely worth it to anybody. Stay-at-homes are a terrible idea, if they are healthy mentally, they are using their time to do stuff for their kids, meaning the ones who are looking to do childcare are not people you actually want to do childcare. Ditto for retired people. College kids I’ve found are wonderful, but you do need to know when their schedule changes. Some people can’t deal with that, though you could always hire one and have your husband back fill when the kid you like has a class. That might help more then you realize. You may even want to consider hiring the same college kid to work afternoons if you really don’t want your youngest in daycare, then again your husband can work and your preschooler has someone to hang out with. You have a lot of options, op.

I’d talk with your husband. I personally won’t entertain any discussion about men being unhappy at work, I’ve found that it turns them into babies. I haven’t yet a man yet who is “unhappy at work” who doesn’t have something else wrong with him, to the point that I won’t even let my husband fuss about work. I tell him he’s free to look for another job, and I tell him what my constraints are, and he can either decide he likes his current job or find one that meets my constraints. Sometimes you really have to get firm with men. Fine to look for another job, not fine to tell me how unhappy you are when you work from home and the employment is stable. It sounds to me like your husband isn’t happy having to do childcare while squeezing in work, something that would stress anybody out. Is that the issue? If it were me, I’d find a preschool that does all day care and put your special needs kid there. He may do fine, plus it would allow your husband to work uninterrupted. I’d have your older kid take the bus home, the car line is how I know hell exists. I’d even move so my kid could get a school bus, that’s how much I despise the car line. Your husband may be happier if he can actually work.

[Anonymous]

I also am the breadwinner by about 250k and have a special needs kid. And I told my husban he needed to look at jobs with some flexibility and some telework

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned that op’s husband probably isn’t getting as much work done as people think what with picking the kid up from school, giving him lunch and then just all that is needed with taking care of a preschooler. Then he has to stopwork assuming he can even start to pick up another kid from school, probably give that kid a snack then when all that’s done take the preschooler to therapy. When does he actually work?

As for you, op, I am actually sympathetic, you’ve been through a lot emotionally. I also think a lot of the suggestions you are given aren’t helpful, you can’t just “ask for more telework” “switch the kids schools” “rearrange your work schedule” and I’d be careful with an au pair, some people love them, others have had horrible experiences. Plus, I personally laughed at having an “extra room” and we live in the suburbs. Hiring help works, but you do need to be aware of the limitations. 2 hours of work is barely worth it to anybody. Stay-at-homes are a terrible idea, if they are healthy mentally, they are using their time to do stuff for their kids, meaning the ones who are looking to do childcare are not people you actually want to do childcare. Ditto for retired people. College kids I’ve found are wonderful, but you do need to know when their schedule changes. Some people can’t deal with that, though you could always hire one and have your husband back fill when the kid you like has a class. That might help more then you realize. You may even want to consider hiring the same college kid to work afternoons if you really don’t want your youngest in daycare, then again your husband can work and your preschooler has someone to hang out with. You have a lot of options, op.

I’d talk with your husband. I personally won’t entertain any discussion about men being unhappy at work, I’ve found that it turns them into babies. I haven’t yet a man yet who is “unhappy at work” who doesn’t have something else wrong with him, to the point that I won’t even let my husband fuss about work. I tell him he’s free to look for another job, and I tell him what my constraints are, and he can either decide he likes his current job or find one that meets my constraints. Sometimes you really have to get firm with men. Fine to look for another job, not fine to tell me how unhappy you are when you work from home and the employment is stable. It sounds to me like your husband isn’t happy having to do childcare while squeezing in work, something that would stress anybody out. Is that the issue? If it were me, I’d find a preschool that does all day care and put your special needs kid there. He may do fine, plus it would allow your husband to work uninterrupted. I’d have your older kid take the bus home, the car line is how I know hell exists. I’d even move so my kid could get a school bus, that’s how much I despise the car line. Your husband may be happier if he can actually work.

Op here. Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. He has kid free work time more than my post probably let on but I think we both suffer from the issue of feeling squeeze that you describe. Our elementary DC takes the bus. Younger DS is currently in a daycare program that has hours til 5:30 but we try to pick him up by 4-4:30 because he struggles with the long day. I am trying to get some of his therapy to come to his daycare in hopes that it alleviates some of the after school driving. Right now our "routine" (I use that word lightly because it feels like chaos) necessarily involves both parents doing afternoon driving because of geographic constraints and the fact that older DC's bus still comes pretty early ~4:15. I have to leave my office at 3:15 to reliably be home to grab the bus, which is not something I can do on a regular basis nor is it something I can negotiate.

But you are absolutely right, I think DH would feel a lot better if he could work more of a "traditional" schedule and that probably requires us to get more childcare in some form. Whether that's me stepping back, him making more money so we can hire a nanny, or us cutting our budget somehow is the thing. Maybe it's a combination of the couple. You are right that we do have options.

This thread has made me feel a lot less stuck in our situation and I really appreciate the thoughtful and commiserative responses and actionable advice. I also appreciate those who have called out the fact that the somewhat reversed gender roles make this a bit stickier because that is a really hard thing for us to navigate. No matter how you slice it, managing careers and kids, especially kids with some kind of extraordinary need, can be really challenging.

[Anonymous]

Pre-COVID, I went into the office 4 days per week with a 45 minute commute. Kids went to aftercare, and I scheduled a once a week OT appointment on the telework day.

The answer is aftercare (and before care if needed) and rethinking after school activities (aftercare will take the place of them or if the activities are at the school, the kids go straight from activity to aftercare).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pre-COVID, I went into the office 4 days per week with a 45 minute commute. Kids went to aftercare, and I scheduled a once a week OT appointment on the telework day.

The answer is aftercare (and before care if needed) and rethinking after school activities (aftercare will take the place of them or if the activities are at the school, the kids go straight from activity to aftercare).

Thanks for this! I am really hoping our older kid gets off the waitlist. .