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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get you OP.

It is so common to hear people say “you will understand when you are a parent”. And to a certain degree that is very true. It can also be true that one discovers the more awful realities of their parent(s) too though. It can also be both!

My kid is 7 now and another on the way. Growing up I had a hard relationship with my mom too. I was clearly not the favorite of her kids and she would say things to my siblings in front of us like “never be like your big sister. She is such a bad kid.” Yea she would literally say that from when I was 8, 9 until I was in my 20s. She would also project her own shame and issues with sexuality onto me. Everything like my interest in using tampons, nail polish, wearing spaghetti strap tops etc… became opportunities to tell me I was a “prostitute”.

[b]I had a really hard time living in her home and was depressed from an early age onward.[/b] My mom always told me I was “manipulative” and “bad” though so to a certain degree I doubted my own distress and depression.

[b]After I had a kid I started to really breakdown around my childhood because I realized how utterly sh*tty my mother was to me. I have compassion for her too. I think she holds a lot of childhood trauma, and I think there was something about me that triggered that trauma for her so I was scapegoated in our family.[/b] But yea… I could never imagine yelling at my child the way she yelled at me, judged me and openly criticized me as a kid (and well into adolescence and young adulthood too until I put a lot of distance between us as mother and daughter).

Some parents are bad parents for one, some or all of their kids. It’s then up to us to do the work and not carry it forward any longer. [/quote]

I hear you.  This is how I feel.  I remember being dropped off at college and it was like a weight lifted not having to live under the same roof as my mom. I was shocked at how kind my college classmates were to me. Overnight I didn’t have anyone criticizing me, scolding me, making hysterical accusations etc.  strangers were nicer to me than my own mother.

Now that I have kids it’s very difficult to accept how I was treated. [/quote]

PP here. Yes, I relate to that freedom of moving out. To this day there are still moments in the day when I just sit on the couch and reflect on how darn lucky I am to live in a peaceful home with no one slamming doors, throwing things at me, or yelling at all hours. My mom used to do this thing on mom school day mornings where if she was in a bad mood she would swing my door open, yell at me to get out of the bed, pull the covers off my body and the perseverating would start from there and not end for hours. Just constant criticism of being lazy, the worst, bad - all the while her jaw clenched and shaking with anger over something like my being in bed past 8am. She would just be effing seething. Uhg, and I couldn’t say a single word because if I did it would just escalate things. I seriously developed ptsd from it and have an intense startle reflex and nightmares still where she is yelling at me. It drove me insane - absorbing all that rage of hers and no where to get it out myself. It takes a lot for me to hold the space for the relationship we have today so she can enjoy being a grandma, which she loves. [/quote]

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