How to handle: Terminally ill neighbor, helping with kid who is crossing several lines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

Yes OP - texts calling someone fat or a slut are truly awful. You are not wrong. However, there is a scale of suffering in this dynamic and you are not on the far end.

There is NO compassionate way to approach a woman whose husband is about to die from a hideous disease and say just fyi, your kid is being a brat and i’m letting you know to be helpful plus stand up for my kid. Again: This is a family in the active throes of a daily horrow show that will shape the rest of their lives.
It would be main character syndrome to show up at their door with screenshots.

I disagree. There is no way that I wouldn't stand up for my daughter in this situation - I have an obligation to protect my kids, and that comes before helping out another family, even one going through something as horrible as this. It's not "main character syndrome" for OP to tell the parents that she will not be helping out in ways that involve the girls being together given their daughter's behavior and sharing what she has been doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

Yes OP - texts calling someone fat or a slut are truly awful. You are not wrong. However, there is a scale of suffering in this dynamic and you are not on the far end.

There is NO compassionate way to approach a woman whose husband is about to die from a hideous disease and say just fyi, your kid is being a brat and i’m letting you know to be helpful plus stand up for my kid. Again: This is a family in the active throes of a daily horrow show that will shape the rest of their lives.
It would be main character syndrome to show up at their door with screenshots.

I disagree. There is no way that I wouldn't stand up for my daughter in this situation - I have an obligation to protect my kids, and that comes before helping out another family, even one going through something as horrible as this. It's not "main character syndrome" for OP to tell the parents that she will not be helping out in ways that involve the girls being together given their daughter's behavior and sharing what she has been doing.

Oh please. Of course you shield your kid first and foremost. You have her block the mean girl on her phone. You tell her no one should treat her that way. Of course you tell your daughter that you support her. You find someone else to do the carpool. You never make your daughter hang out with her. This is all fine.
BUT
You don’t also go tattle-telling/faux “concerned but want you to know” to the mom and say - hey I know you are busy with your husband dying but i’m going to need you to shift gears for a sec so I can tell you how wrong it is for your tween to send bratty texts.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are really on a high horse. Bonus points if you think things like “my tween, even if in a crisis, never would send a mean text and knows not to”
There but for the grace of God you go

[Anonymous]

Op, please go to the school counselor and ask for helpd you both are correct! I think you need to protect daughter and show compassion for neighbor friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

What a piece of work you are.
OP has a obligation to her family and no one else except in a cursory way. If she chooses to fo more, that is voluntary.

I would have shut this down sooner, so I think OP is more tender hearted than me which means she doesn't deserves your barbs. There is also a special place in hell for you too, PP.

OP, do right by your DD. Put your DH in charge of protecting her. At this point, his instincts are better.

[Anonymous]

I think you still keep bringing meals to them, mowing their lawn for them, things like that. But nothing involving their daughter. Tell the mom you are very sorry that it has come to this but you can no longer have their daughter over to your house or carpool with her because she has been incredibly mean/a bully to your DD and that the latest text message calling your daughter a slut has your daughter very upset and that you just cannot continue having the girls around each other because it is damaging to your daughter. Tell her you still want to be there for her in every way you can but that she does need to find someone else to help out with her daughter.

I think you have to tell the mom what's going on or she'll think you're just ghosting her because you're tired of helping out or something and that would be more hurtful than telling the truth. Maybe she already knows her daughter has been mean to yours and just thought it must not be *that* bad since you haven't said anything about it. Maybe she is so overwhelmed with everything she's going through that she truly has no idea what's going on with her daughter and perhaps this will actually help the daughter as the mom might see it as a cry for help from her daughter like the daughter needs therapy or something. Either way, it's incredibly tragic what they're going through and I know you want to be a good friend/neighbor through it (and you have been) but you cannot help them at the expense of your daughter's mental health/well being.

[Anonymous]

You all are lunatics. Have any of you had a spouse on a deathbed? Would you really want to know RIGHT NOW that um your daughter is sending mean texts?

As someone who had a spouse on a deathbed, this would not have been on my radar. The ring theory person is right - just bow out of the carpool.

OP, you will look like the biggest glassbowl if you do this. Your father dying>>>called a slut by a girl you don’t like anyway.

There IS a point where you can say, “hey, I know Larla having a hard time, but…”. Now, while they are in crisis mode and maybe on death watch, is not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to show the text to the parents. Firstly, my MIL spent seven years dying, so your neighbor could have however many years more of parenting. Secondly, you can't give kids a pass on behavior.

"I knew you'd want to see this (show text on phone) and know that clearly your Larla is lashing out. This is not the only cruel thing she's said to Lola, just the latest and the last straw for us. We hate to leave you in the lurch but won't be able to carpool Larla to lacrosse this week because of how Larla's been treating Lola. We're happy to continue to help you guys in any way we can other than having Larla over while she's treating Lola this way. I'm sure you understand would feel the same way if the roles were reversed."

I think this is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to show the text to the parents. Firstly, my MIL spent seven years dying, so your neighbor could have however many years more of parenting. Secondly, you can't give kids a pass on behavior.

"I knew you'd want to see this (show text on phone) and know that clearly your Larla is lashing out. This is not the only cruel thing she's said to Lola, just the latest and the last straw for us. We hate to leave you in the lurch but won't be able to carpool Larla to lacrosse this week because of how Larla's been treating Lola. We're happy to continue to help you guys in any way we can other than having Larla over while she's treating Lola this way. I'm sure you understand would feel the same way if the roles were reversed."

I think this is perfect.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

What a piece of work you are.
OP has a obligation to her family and no one else except in a cursory way. If she chooses to fo more, that is voluntary.

I would have shut this down sooner, so I think OP is more tender hearted than me which means she doesn't deserves your barbs. There is also a special place in hell for you too, PP.

OP, do right by your DD. Put your DH in charge of protecting her. At this point, his instincts are better.

Can we at least agree that all the places in hell are special? No one deserves a more special place in hell than anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the parents. Send them a copy. Be honest. You want to help them out but are not going to tolerate your child being bullied.

I agree. I'd show them the picture/text. Tell them you can help in other ways but kids can no longer hang out or be together.

You are very kind to help so much. You have to look out for your daughter first. If not you, then who?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

In this situation you seriously would not want to know that your 11 year old child was being a horrible bully / clearly acting out??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are lunatics. Have any of you had a spouse on a deathbed? Would you really want to know RIGHT NOW that um your daughter is sending mean texts?

As someone who had a spouse on a deathbed, this would not have been on my radar. The ring theory person is right - just bow out of the carpool.

OP, you will look like the biggest glassbowl if you do this. Your father dying>>>called a slut by a girl you don’t like anyway.

There IS a point where you can say, “hey, I know Larla having a hard time, but…”. Now, while they are in crisis mode and maybe on death watch, is not it.

You’d prefer someone who had been driving your child to practice multiple times a week just suddenly and abruptly stop doing so, with no explanation? That doesn’t even make sense, how would OP navigate saying that without giving a reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your obligation to daughter comes first. You or DH should talk to the mom.

This 1000%. How is this even a question?

Nothing more needs to be said except please do not let your daughter think someone can treat her like this and you won't do anything to protect her. You will NEVER recover your daughters trust. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

In this situation you seriously would not want to know that your 11 year old child was being a horrible bully / clearly acting out??

Did she not just say so? And gave reasons why. Sheesh. Name calling sucks, but now is NOT the time for the “your daughter is being mean to mine” conversation.