How to handle: Terminally ill neighbor, helping with kid who is crossing several lines

[Anonymous]

I truly don't know what to do. Our neighbor is dying of ALS. Great guy. Wife is my friend. Has two kids, one of whom is 11 and my DD's age. We've been helping out however we can - meals, carpool, having kids over for dinner, whatever. Older son is fine. Also has a stepson much older at college (son of the husband from prior marriage).
However, the daughter has always been difficult for years - mean girl behavior, saying inappropriate things, etc - parents never noticed or seemed to correct it, and my DD just was nice enough to her while not forming a close friendship. With age, she has begun to exhibit bullying behavior toward my DD (called her fat, ugly, just cruel things) - which I told DD to just ignore and also explained about their tough time at home and just basically said please give her a pass right now. However, they have been together much more as we help out more. DD came to me last night in tears and showed me a text from this girl, who had sent to several kids - basically photos of my DD in a tank top saying "such a *** slut". DD has already displayed some anxiety around eating/weight and now this, as a parent infuriates me.
This for me is the last straw but I also want to help the mom/neighbor. I told my DD she did not have to hang out with her anymore at all, to keep away, that was her right, but now I wonder what to do as we're on duty to carpool for lacrosse three days this week, etc. DH is furious and wants to speak to neighbor about her daughter calling mine a slut but with the husband being so sick I do not want to rock the boat. DH says we are doing no favors shielding them from their child's behavior. Note, we are now in Mid Atlantic so this is nobody anyone here would know.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right.

[Anonymous]

You 100% need to talk to the other parents. Don't put their comfort (i.e. You feel bad about their situation) over your daughter. It should have been handled when it started, but now its completely crossed the line and you need to stand up for her.

[Anonymous]

I would normally be in favor of keeping the carpool going but this is a bridge toe far. The mom needs to know. You can qualify your outreach and tell them that you'd like to continue to offer help but that your fist duty is to your child and therefore you won't be able to continue the carpool. I would not force your child to be around this kid and certainly I wouldn't carpool with her.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the other mom and show her the picture. I think their DD is lashing out because her father is dying and likely needs more help/ therapy to deal with it. I don't think you should shield the mom from this. She's still a mom and can maybe turn things around still.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I've re written what I was going to right several times because I'm honestly appalled that you don't want to talk to the other family. I hope your husband stands up for your daughter, she needs at least one parent who actually cares about her

[Anonymous]

I think you should bow out of the helping that involves putting the kids together, e.g. carpool, and instead focus your help on things that don't require that sort of contact, food delivery, yard maintenance, caring for pets, etc.

Personally, I would not confront the friend about her daughter, but I would tell her that the girls are not getting along and therefore, you are unable to carpool or have her daughter over for dinner, things like that, but you are still happy to help in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Tell the parents. Send them a copy. Be honest. You want to help them out but are not going to tolerate your child being bullied.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your husband. I speak as someone who’s mother was ill when I was 13-18 and then passed away. You are doing the girl no favors by letting her anger about losing her dad turn her into a vicious mean girl.

She needs therapy and a safe place to grieve over what ALS is doing to her dad and her family. But she also needs boundaries around her behavior and proper expectations around her use of social media. This is not okay and she needs to know that.

What you can do is continue to help the family and forgive the girl when she comes to her senses. What you shouldn’t do is ignore this or pretend it didn’t happen. Tell the mother, with all the compassion you can muster and let her know that you are sharing this because you think she should know, but that you understand the girl is having a hard time and that’s most likely where this is coming from. But also that it’s not okay.

[Anonymous]

Your obligation to daughter comes first. You or DH should talk to the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I've re written what I was going to right several times because I'm honestly appalled that you don't want to talk to the other family. I hope your husband stands up for your daughter, she needs at least one parent who actually cares about her

These are bullying words towards OP! OP cares for her daughter and wants to protect her daughter. She also has compassion for the plight the other family is in. These two things can co-exist.

Who raised you to be so hateful? Leave the thread if you have to bring your negativity into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to the other mom and show her the picture. I think their DD is lashing out because her father is dying and likely needs more help/ therapy to deal with it. I don't think you should shield the mom from this. She's still a mom and can maybe turn things around still.

+1

You can do it nicely! But if the shoe was on the other foot, and your spouse was dying of ALS, wouldn't you still want to know about your daughter's behavior? Think of it as the whole "village" thing - they've got so many balls in the air, you're helping out by being their eyes and ears.

And maybe you can arrange to do a different kind of help rather than kid help. More food or grocery runs, less carpooling? You guys can figure it out, but at this point, you definitely have to bring the mom in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I've re written what I was going to right several times because I'm honestly appalled that you don't want to talk to the other family. I hope your husband stands up for your daughter, she needs at least one parent who actually cares about her

Um.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the parents. Send them a copy. Be honest. You want to help them out but are not going to tolerate your child being bullied.

I agree with this. Also, you can tell this in front of the family, including the girl who is bullying your DD. If there are other neighbors in the mix, be frank with them and tell them that you do not need any interaction with the bullying girl and so you will only help sans the bully. They will have to pick up the slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right.

This. And taking her to LAX would be off the table for now. I would feel horrible for the other parent (wife of they terminally ill person) but your kid's well-being has to take priority.