How to handle: Terminally ill neighbor, helping with kid who is crossing several lines

[Anonymous]

Your daughter comes first. I would tell the other family that you are unable to help out with carpool etc. anymore and that their daughter is not allowed at your house and should not communicate with your daughter anymore. Share the text. What they do about it is their own decision. You also need to put your daughter before your friendship with the Mom. That friendship may not survive. You were being kind to this family but your kindness was not returned by their daughter. You tried to give this girl some grace but don't force your daughter to be bullied and abused. What kind of lesson does that teach her?

[Anonymous]

So sad. The girl is obviously acting out terribly because of watching her mom go through one of the most awful ways to die. AND she is likely very JEALOUS of your daughter with healthy parents.

My heart breaks for her and her family. But, I get that you are at your last straw.

The poor girl needs therapy to help with this. It's not uncommon for kids that age to turn to bad behavior, substance abuse, etc. when handling something like this.

[Anonymous]

At a minimum you need to tell her parents what their kid is up to. Yes, they are in a horrible situation, but that doesn't mean they don't need to know that she is behaving like this. I would probably still try to keep the carpool going, at least for this week, but if that's not possible while also protecting your daughter, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I've re written what I was going to right several times because I'm honestly appalled that you don't want to talk to the other family. I hope your husband stands up for your daughter, she needs at least one parent who actually cares about her

These are bullying words towards OP! OP cares for her daughter and wants to protect her daughter. She also has compassion for the plight the other family is in. These two things can co-exist.

Who raised you to be so hateful? Leave the thread if you have to bring your negativity into it.

It is not compassionate towards the other kid to ignore it. Tell the mom, because obviously the girl needs help. The compassion shows up when you speak to the mom kindly about it. But ignoring the bad behavior because her dad is dying does NOT do any favors for the child.

[Anonymous]

Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

1. I would speak directly to the girl, in private, and tell her to stop sending hurtful texts and bullying my daughter. I would tell her that I understand she's acting out emotionally because she's in pain inside, due to her father's terminal illness. I would say that I'm very sorry she's in so much pain, but that she cannot take it out on children around her, and that she will progressively lose all her support if she's always rude and hurtful. I would speak calmly but firmly.

2. I would then tell her mother about what her daughter did, and mention that you already asked her to stop. I would request that she speak to her child, and that her daughter might be in need of therapy to process her emotional turmoil, especially considering what's coming in the future. I would be kind and non-judgemental, because the role of caregiver is incredibly hard!!!

3. I would perhaps reach out to the school, to make them aware that this child needs counseling services. If they say that they need either the child or the parent to request services, then I would go back to the mother and let them know of this option. At our school, the counselor leads a grief group, and also does a separate lunch bunch for children in need of various social and emotional support.

4. I would not mention anything to her father.

5. Being furious is entirely inappropriate and damaging. Kids that age are capable of being very mean, and it shouldn't send you into conniptions. This is a family in crisis. Process your anger however you want, but please do not express your anger in front of any of them. There are many ways of talking about this without putting shame and guilt on this family.

[Anonymous]

Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

[Anonymous]

No carpool. Tell the mother this latest episode is too much. Tell the mom you feel bad, but you must support your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I've re written what I was going to right several times because I'm honestly appalled that you don't want to talk to the other family. I hope your husband stands up for your daughter, she needs at least one parent who actually cares about her

These are bullying words towards OP! OP cares for her daughter and wants to protect her daughter. She also has compassion for the plight the other family is in. These two things can co-exist.

Who raised you to be so hateful? Leave the thread if you have to bring your negativity into it.

+1 I love that the PP re wrote their post several times and still didn't remove the totally unfair "actually cares about her" language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

Yes OP - texts calling someone fat or a slut are truly awful. You are not wrong. However, there is a scale of suffering in this dynamic and you are not on the far end.

There is NO compassionate way to approach a woman whose husband is about to die from a hideous disease and say just fyi, your kid is being a brat and i’m letting you know to be helpful plus stand up for my kid. Again: This is a family in the active throes of a daily horrow show that will shape the rest of their lives.
It would be main character syndrome to show up at their door with screenshots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I would speak directly to the girl, in private, and tell her to stop sending hurtful texts and bullying my daughter. I would tell her that I understand she's acting out emotionally because she's in pain inside, due to her father's terminal illness. I would say that I'm very sorry she's in so much pain, but that she cannot take it out on children around her, and that she will progressively lose all her support if she's always rude and hurtful. I would speak calmly but firmly.

2. I would then tell her mother about what her daughter did, and mention that you already asked her to stop. I would request that she speak to her child, and that her daughter might be in need of therapy to process her emotional turmoil, especially considering what's coming in the future. I would be kind and non-judgemental, because the role of caregiver is incredibly hard!!!

3. I would perhaps reach out to the school, to make them aware that this child needs counseling services. If they say that they need either the child or the parent to request services, then I would go back to the mother and let them know of this option. At our school, the counselor leads a grief group, and also does a separate lunch bunch for children in need of various social and emotional support.

4. I would not mention anything to her father.

5. Being furious is entirely inappropriate and damaging. Kids that age are capable of being very mean, and it shouldn't send you into conniptions. This is a family in crisis. Process your anger however you want, but please do not express your anger in front of any of them. There are many ways of talking about this without putting shame and guilt on this family.

There’s really no way to approach the mom without putting guilt and shame on the family. PP is correct that any guilt or shame on this family would be wrong.
And don’t recommend the girl needs therapy. THEY. KNOW. The family is very aware that dad is dying and that everyone is grieving/acting out, and this sort of “advice” is just completely tone deaf and out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't know what to do. Our neighbor is dying of ALS. Great guy. Wife is my friend. Has two kids, one of whom is 11 and my DD's age. We've been helping out however we can - meals, carpool, having kids over for dinner, whatever. Older son is fine. Also has a stepson much older at college (son of the husband from prior marriage).
However, the daughter has always been difficult for years - mean girl behavior, saying inappropriate things, etc - parents never noticed or seemed to correct it, and my DD just was nice enough to her while not forming a close friendship. With age, she has begun to exhibit bullying behavior toward my DD (called her fat, ugly, just cruel things) - which I told DD to just ignore and also explained about their tough time at home and just basically said please give her a pass right now. However, they have been together much more as we help out more. DD came to me last night in tears and showed me a text from this girl, who had sent to several kids - basically photos of my DD in a tank top saying "such a *** slut". DD has already displayed some anxiety around eating/weight and now this, as a parent infuriates me.
This for me is the last straw but I also want to help the mom/neighbor. I told my DD she did not have to hang out with her anymore at all, to keep away, that was her right, but now I wonder what to do as we're on duty to carpool for lacrosse three days this week, etc. DH is furious and wants to speak to neighbor about her daughter calling mine a slut but with the husband being so sick I do not want to rock the boat. DH says we are doing no favors shielding them from their child's behavior. Note, we are now in Mid Atlantic so this is nobody anyone here would know.

I agree with your husband. You need to talk to them about it and, you need to protect your own daughter, which might mean dropping carpools.

This is hard, I’m sure, and you seem to have a good heart. But I have a clear mind as well and do what’s right for your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

This is completely true. The mom will end up not being able to ask OP for help. The girl is being awful but honestly that is something that should be addressed later. Just keep the girls separated; help in other ways if you can.

[Anonymous]

You need to show the text to the parents. Firstly, my MIL spent seven years dying, so your neighbor could have however many years more of parenting. Secondly, you can't give kids a pass on behavior.

"I knew you'd want to see this (show text on phone) and know that clearly your Larla is lashing out. This is not the only cruel thing she's said to Lola, just the latest and the last straw for us. We hate to leave you in the lurch but won't be able to carpool Larla to lacrosse this week because of how Larla's been treating Lola. We're happy to continue to help you guys in any way we can other than having Larla over while she's treating Lola this way. I'm sure you understand would feel the same way if the roles were reversed."