How to handle: Terminally ill neighbor, helping with kid who is crossing several lines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

OP is definitely not responsible for finding someone to cover the carpool shifts. I don’t know how OP can avoid telling her neighbor what happened since she has to stop carpooling, but if you call my kid “fat” and a “slut” I’m not coming up with a solution for getting the kid that called her those things to practice.

+1 we are talking about 11 year old girls. To imply that the mother should NOT be made aware of this is insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

OP is definitely not responsible for finding someone to cover the carpool shifts. I don’t know how OP can avoid telling her neighbor what happened since she has to stop carpooling, but if you call my kid “fat” and a “slut” I’m not coming up with a solution for getting the kid that called her those things to practice.

+1 we are talking about 11 year old girls. To imply that the mother should NOT be made aware of this is insane

Agree. I could not and would not ask this of my child. The mom needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

OP is definitely not responsible for finding someone to cover the carpool shifts. I don’t know how OP can avoid telling her neighbor what happened since she has to stop carpooling, but if you call my kid “fat” and a “slut” I’m not coming up with a solution for getting the kid that called her those things to practice.

Yes, we know: You want the Facebook back-pat kudos for dropping off a casserole, you didn’t actual want to be exposed to grief-grief — the real life kind, which is ugly and messy and hard.

OP isn’t responsible for finding carpool cover - but it would be an act of grace and compassion to the family, an acknowledgment that there are bigger factors in play than just a kid being rude.

Here’s how she could talk to neighbor:

Carpool mom: Larla and OtherLarla hit a really rough patch in their relationship. I’m going to need to keep them apart for a bit. XXX is going to take carpool (or I will ask around who else could take).

Neighbor: What was the rough patch?

Carpool mom: Called her fat and slut. I know OtherLarla is understandably in a tough place, and I’m sure they’ll figure it out.

See?

Ummm no. I’m my child’s parent first and foremost and I would never reduce that kid’s behavior to a passing oh I know they’ll get through it. Did you even read what OP described?

That’s how you describe it to the mom with the dying spouse - like it’s not the biggest deal in the world, because that’s both accurate and because it will prevent you looking so Main Character Syndrome to someone dealing with an actual crisis.

With your daughter, you can talk about it way more in-depth and with seriousness, and touch on social media, grief, “hurt people hurt people,” bullying, all of it - the full holier than thou accountability TEDxDCUM talk you apparently have been waiting for a conveniently dying neighbor in order to finally unleash.

I would have no interest in unleashing a TED talk. I just would want her to see what her DD is doing, not a watered down description of it, and understand exactly why I cannot carpool and have her kid at my home anymore. She can decide to do as she sees fit with that information.

[Anonymous]

Those going on and on about grief miss the point that OP is not family, just a considerate neighbor. Say something to mom/don't say anything to mom. Who cares? Pull DD away from that other kid and don't even feel a moment of guilt.

Maybe the "grief counselors" on this thread have personal experience. That has nothing to do with OP's DD. OP can drop this family to take care of her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right.

This

[Anonymous]

Yup. Mom needs to know and you need to bow out of helping with the daughter. Just supply meals or offer to run errands if you want to help. No more carpools or putting the girls together. Your daughter also needs to block this girl on her phone. You need to protect your kid.

[Anonymous]

Weird responses here.

1) Mom needs to know, but as several PPs said, this family is going through hell right now and almost indefinitely. Parenting can't be their top priority - that's unfortunate but it's reality. So communicating what happened and what you expect needs to be done with that in mind. Yes, they and their daughter still deserve grace and space.

2) I don't know why the OP and PPs are freaking about the carpool - whomever drives, the girls apparently are on a team together, so someone needs to think through how that is going to work. If you have a good, wise coach (I hope) talk to them and see how they might handle this. Otherwise consider pulling your kid from the team. There's always another team or sport or activity, esp at 11yo.

3) Your daughter should block the other girl on texts as well as all social media. You should be monitoring every single account and post. (Why the hell 11yos have unmonitored phones and social media is a question for the OP for another day.) I'd also reach out to the school counselor - even in my kids' giant public MS, the counselors were a total godsend in helping when kids behaved badly online. They deal with this all the time.

Good luck OP. You can protect your daughter while avoiding steps that compound another family's unimaginable tragedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird responses here.

1) Mom needs to know, but as several PPs said, this family is going through hell right now and almost indefinitely. Parenting can't be their top priority - that's unfortunate but it's reality. So communicating what happened and what you expect needs to be done with that in mind. Yes, they and their daughter still deserve grace and space.

2) I don't know why the OP and PPs are freaking about the carpool - whomever drives, the girls apparently are on a team together, so someone needs to think through how that is going to work. If you have a good, wise coach (I hope) talk to them and see how they might handle this. Otherwise consider pulling your kid from the team. There's always another team or sport or activity, esp at 11yo.

3) Your daughter should block the other girl on texts as well as all social media. You should be monitoring every single account and post. (Why the hell 11yos have unmonitored phones and social media is a question for the OP for another day.) I'd also reach out to the school counselor - even in my kids' giant public MS, the counselors were a total godsend in helping when kids behaved badly online. They deal with this all the time.

Good luck OP. You can protect your daughter while avoiding steps that compound another family's unimaginable tragedy.

Did you actually suggest that OPs kid needs to quit her sport because SOMEONE ELSE called her fat and a slut?! Are you effing for real? I’m sorry this girl’s dad is terminally ill, but that will not give her license throughout her life to be a horrible human being who feels better about herself by saying hurtful things to people.

[Anonymous]

If I was the other mom I would want to know. Doesn’t matter that my husband was sick. Unacceptable behavior especially towards someone who was showing us kindness.

[Anonymous]

Op- I really hope you come back and update us on what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

I hear and respect your points, but for another perspective- my mother was ill and died when I was just a little older than OP’s daughter. I developed a serious eating disorder triggered by my grief/confusion and it was very important to my dying mother that she address it and get me treatment even while she was facing her own death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

I hear and respect your points, but for another perspective- my mother was ill and died when I was just a little older than OP’s daughter. I developed a serious eating disorder triggered by my grief/confusion and it was very important to my dying mother that she address it and get me treatment even while she was facing her own death.

This is possibly the last major parenting thing that her father can do.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has lost her Mother to ALS, I commend you for offering to help this family. The amount of suffering that is involved with ALS is not truly understood by many. This man will suffer progressive paralysis of every muscle in his body, which will eventually make him unable to move, eat, talk and swallow his own saliva. This means a caretaker will need to sit beside him every waking moment to suction his saliva for him every few minutes. This family will need more and more help as time goes on.

However, regardless of what we all are going through at any one time, we never get a “pass” for bad behavior. You must talk with both parents about their daughter. You can do it compassionately. I agree with a previous poster that having this Dad express his disappoint to his daughter and use this as a teaching moment would likely be extremely impactful to this child. I hope your daughter gets the appropriate apology, the offending child can turn her behavior around and you can continue to help this family.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter has to come first. Behavior like this will put her on a path towards an eating disorder. It happened to us. Serious illness is no excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird responses here.

1) Mom needs to know, but as several PPs said, this family is going through hell right now and almost indefinitely. Parenting can't be their top priority - that's unfortunate but it's reality. So communicating what happened and what you expect needs to be done with that in mind. Yes, they and their daughter still deserve grace and space.

2) I don't know why the OP and PPs are freaking about the carpool - whomever drives, the girls apparently are on a team together, so someone needs to think through how that is going to work. If you have a good, wise coach (I hope) talk to them and see how they might handle this. Otherwise consider pulling your kid from the team. There's always another team or sport or activity, esp at 11yo.

3) Your daughter should block the other girl on texts as well as all social media. You should be monitoring every single account and post. (Why the hell 11yos have unmonitored phones and social media is a question for the OP for another day.) I'd also reach out to the school counselor - even in my kids' giant public MS, the counselors were a total godsend in helping when kids behaved badly online. They deal with this all the time.

Good luck OP. You can protect your daughter while avoiding steps that compound another family's unimaginable tragedy.

Did you actually suggest that OPs kid needs to quit her sport because SOMEONE ELSE called her fat and a slut?! Are you effing for real? I’m sorry this girl’s dad is terminally ill, but that will not give her license throughout her life to be a horrible human being who feels better about herself by saying hurtful things to people.

PP here - yes, I'm "effing for real." My point is simply that all this discussion about carpools is less important than the team itself. And I would not keep my kid on a team with another kid who was bullying them unless I felt confident that the coach would handle the situation appropriately.