How to handle: Terminally ill neighbor, helping with kid who is crossing several lines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

My dad has ALS and it’s terrible. I think if you approach the mom in a low key but factual way, say how much you care for the family, offer to help in low contact ways, etc - you’ll be helping not only your kid but hers. That little girl is going through it and it’s not great for her to be a mean girl either. She’s 11, she’s totally salvageable and going through hell, but talk to her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your obligation to daughter comes first. You or DH should talk to the mom.

Plus 1. I would hope the mom would want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird responses here.

1) Mom needs to know, but as several PPs said, this family is going through hell right now and almost indefinitely. Parenting can't be their top priority - that's unfortunate but it's reality. So communicating what happened and what you expect needs to be done with that in mind. Yes, they and their daughter still deserve grace and space.

2) I don't know why the OP and PPs are freaking about the carpool - whomever drives, the girls apparently are on a team together, so someone needs to think through how that is going to work. If you have a good, wise coach (I hope) talk to them and see how they might handle this. Otherwise consider pulling your kid from the team. There's always another team or sport or activity, esp at 11yo.

3) Your daughter should block the other girl on texts as well as all social media. You should be monitoring every single account and post. (Why the hell 11yos have unmonitored phones and social media is a question for the OP for another day.) I'd also reach out to the school counselor - even in my kids' giant public MS, the counselors were a total godsend in helping when kids behaved badly online. They deal with this all the time.

Good luck OP. You can protect your daughter while avoiding steps that compound another family's unimaginable tragedy.

Did you actually suggest that OPs kid needs to quit her sport because SOMEONE ELSE called her fat and a slut?! Are you effing for real? I’m sorry this girl’s dad is terminally ill, but that will not give her license throughout her life to be a horrible human being who feels better about herself by saying hurtful things to people.

PP here - yes, I'm "effing for real." My point is simply that all this discussion about carpools is less important than the team itself. And I would not keep my kid on a team with another kid who was bullying them unless I felt confident that the coach would handle the situation appropriately.

NP but you should really think about that approach, and what message you’d be sending your kid. That seems like really subpar life preparation / a real disservice you’d be doing your child.

(To be clear, I’m not saying force the child to stay on the team if they’re begging to quit. But to suggest it?! That feels very disempowering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

My dad has ALS and it’s terrible. I think if you approach the mom in a low key but factual way, say how much you care for the family, offer to help in low contact ways, etc - you’ll be helping not only your kid but hers. That little girl is going through it and it’s not great for her to be a mean girl either. She’s 11, she’s totally salvageable and going through hell, but talk to her mom.

PP here. Also, thank you. You sound very compassionate and while it probably doesn’t feel like it, you’re a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird responses here.

1) Mom needs to know, but as several PPs said, this family is going through hell right now and almost indefinitely. Parenting can't be their top priority - that's unfortunate but it's reality. So communicating what happened and what you expect needs to be done with that in mind. Yes, they and their daughter still deserve grace and space.

2) I don't know why the OP and PPs are freaking about the carpool - whomever drives, the girls apparently are on a team together, so someone needs to think through how that is going to work. If you have a good, wise coach (I hope) talk to them and see how they might handle this. Otherwise consider pulling your kid from the team. There's always another team or sport or activity, esp at 11yo.

3) Your daughter should block the other girl on texts as well as all social media. You should be monitoring every single account and post. (Why the hell 11yos have unmonitored phones and social media is a question for the OP for another day.) I'd also reach out to the school counselor - even in my kids' giant public MS, the counselors were a total godsend in helping when kids behaved badly online. They deal with this all the time.

Good luck OP. You can protect your daughter while avoiding steps that compound another family's unimaginable tragedy.

Did you actually suggest that OPs kid needs to quit her sport because SOMEONE ELSE called her fat and a slut?! Are you effing for real? I’m sorry this girl’s dad is terminally ill, but that will not give her license throughout her life to be a horrible human being who feels better about herself by saying hurtful things to people.

PP here - yes, I'm "effing for real." My point is simply that all this discussion about carpools is less important than the team itself. And I would not keep my kid on a team with another kid who was bullying them unless I felt confident that the coach would handle the situation appropriately.

NP but you should really think about that approach, and what message you’d be sending your kid. That seems like really subpar life preparation / a real disservice you’d be doing your child.

(To be clear, I’m not saying force the child to stay on the team if they’re begging to quit. But to suggest it?! That feels very disempowering

+1. It is a terrible message to send your kid that when they have done nothing wrong and have been the target of bullying they are the one that needs to quit their activity. A team practice is also a different setting than being stuck together one on one in a car. Presumably OPs kid has friends on the team and the bully is not acting out toward her in practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird responses here.

1) Mom needs to know, but as several PPs said, this family is going through hell right now and almost indefinitely. Parenting can't be their top priority - that's unfortunate but it's reality. So communicating what happened and what you expect needs to be done with that in mind. Yes, they and their daughter still deserve grace and space.

2) I don't know why the OP and PPs are freaking about the carpool - whomever drives, the girls apparently are on a team together, so someone needs to think through how that is going to work. If you have a good, wise coach (I hope) talk to them and see how they might handle this. Otherwise consider pulling your kid from the team. There's always another team or sport or activity, esp at 11yo.

3) Your daughter should block the other girl on texts as well as all social media. You should be monitoring every single account and post. (Why the hell 11yos have unmonitored phones and social media is a question for the OP for another day.) I'd also reach out to the school counselor - even in my kids' giant public MS, the counselors were a total godsend in helping when kids behaved badly online. They deal with this all the time.

Good luck OP. You can protect your daughter while avoiding steps that compound another family's unimaginable tragedy.

Did you actually suggest that OPs kid needs to quit her sport because SOMEONE ELSE called her fat and a slut?! Are you effing for real? I’m sorry this girl’s dad is terminally ill, but that will not give her license throughout her life to be a horrible human being who feels better about herself by saying hurtful things to people.

PP here - yes, I'm "effing for real." My point is simply that all this discussion about carpools is less important than the team itself. And I would not keep my kid on a team with another kid who was bullying them unless I felt confident that the coach would handle the situation appropriately.

NP but you should really think about that approach, and what message you’d be sending your kid. That seems like really subpar life preparation / a real disservice you’d be doing your child.

(To be clear, I’m not saying force the child to stay on the team if they’re begging to quit. But to suggest it?! That feels very disempowering

+1. It is a terrible message to send your kid that when they have done nothing wrong and have been the target of bullying they are the one that needs to quit their activity. A team practice is also a different setting than being stuck together one on one in a car. Presumably OPs kid has friends on the team and the bully is not acting out toward her in practice.

DP. My DC was the target of a bully in class (actually that kid's parents were going through a really bad divorce which explained but didn't excuse some of the terrible behavior) and we considered asking to switch classes - in hindsight we should have done so. Changing teams or quitting isn't a terrible message, it's a good way for a kid to deal with a bad situation. If OP's DD is really into the sport, it might not be the best course of action, but if it's just an activity to her, then that would be a good step to consider.

[Anonymous]

Support your daughter to resist the mistreatment. I think you should approach the other parents in the social circle, about supporting their kids in shutting down the bullying behavior. If the other kids support DD, and they all agree that the bully is out of line, then DD is fine.

Even without sickness, you can't rely on another parent to force their child to behave well. I'm sure this troublemaker's parents know their kid is a piece of work, and are doing what they can. Give the parents a break; they deserve it. The daughter also is going through hell.

Being patient person now is one of the most gracious things you will have a chance to do. Maybe if your family visits them, and brings a meal or covers some chores, will be a welcome respite and might help the troubled child's attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are lunatics. Have any of you had a spouse on a deathbed? Would you really want to know RIGHT NOW that um your daughter is sending mean texts?

As someone who had a spouse on a deathbed, this would not have been on my radar. The ring theory person is right - just bow out of the carpool.

OP, you will look like the biggest glassbowl if you do this. Your father dying>>>called a slut by a girl you don’t like anyway.

There IS a point where you can say, “hey, I know Larla having a hard time, but…”. Now, while they are in crisis mode and maybe on death watch, is not it.

Is the man actually on his deathbed? This wasn’t quite clear to me. I’ve known people with terminal illnesses who lived years.