How to handle: Terminally ill neighbor, helping with kid who is crossing several lines

[Anonymous]

Team husband.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely agree with your husband. The other parents need to notified about their daughter’s behavior and shown the picture. The illness of the father doesn’t give her a pass to be cruel and unfortunately Mom still needs to parent while attending to her sick husband. You do no one any favors but acting like this should be a secret. Your daughter needs to see you stand up for her in a real way, other Mom needs to know what her daughter is doing so that she can address it and neighbor girl needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this behavior is unacceptable.

Please do not carpool and force your child into a car with the person that is tormenting her. Just absolutely NO. You can help your friend with activities that do not in anyway involve the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Several thoughts:

This must be your oldest child, for you two to be unaware that tweens and teens can turn temporarily into little monsters on the path of adolescence! This particular tween has a dying father. Of course there are ugly emotions in there. She needs help to process her life right now, not irate fathers breathing down her neck.

Your husband is out of line, and I wonder at his maturity level and general notion of his role as a father vis-a-vis his daughter is he's furious at this text. Why is that word so triggering to him?
Did he call a girl that, once upon a time? The child in question hardly knows what it means. It's just a word, like all the rude words tweens like to brandish to rebel and show how edgy they are. Your husband mustn't take the bait.

The REAL monsters are the grown ups who would disturb the last days of a terminally ill parent and their exhausted caregiving spouse with anger. Please find the right, calming and healing words to talk about this, otherwise do not talk about it. Do not go there guns ablazing. There is a special place in hell for you if you do.

Hi - I am the OP and certainly not unaware of how tweens behave. But, actually, I don't believe calling people fat and sluts are par for the course. I'm sorry you think this is normal or somehow "edgy." I have two older DDs who went through typically growing pains, but nothing like this.

I'm also curious as to why you're insinuating that my spouse once called someone such a name. "It's just a word"? Words have weight and meaning. Please don't dismiss this kind of behavior as acceptable. My DH wanted to make the parents aware, not host a rally on their front lawn.

Nobody is angry. Nobody is going in with guns blazing. I posted here for advice on the properly compassionate, measured response that still honors my child. I would ask you to please not normalize weight-shaming and bullying, though. A special place in hell? Yikes.

Thanks to everyone else for the thoughtful responses.

Yes OP - texts calling someone fat or a slut are truly awful. You are not wrong. However, there is a scale of suffering in this dynamic and you are not on the far end.

There is NO compassionate way to approach a woman whose husband is about to die from a hideous disease and say just fyi, your kid is being a brat and i’m letting you know to be helpful plus stand up for my kid. Again: This is a family in the active throes of a daily horrow show that will shape the rest of their lives.
It would be main character syndrome to show up at their door with screenshots.

Uhh…what you’re saying might be true if we were talking about some random kid at school. But we are talking about a neighbor/friend, whose kid OP has been helping with a lot but whom she now needs to distance (protect) her kid from. Having this discussion is not only the right thing to do, it’s the decent thing to do…otherwise OP is just straight up ghosting her neighbor (on the kid help, at the very least) and being cryptic about it

[Anonymous]

It would be way easier if not neighbors and helping out with carpools etc. If just friends than you let it ride; it's the helping out expectation that makes the kids cross paths which forces the issue and makes it impossible not to explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. Ring theory of grief and crisis. Comfort in, dump out. These people are dealing with a dying dad/husband. I am super duper sorry about what your daughter is experiencing - it is awful - but i think the advice of dropping carpool and seeking non-contact ways to help (lawncare etc) is best. You can shield your daughter and support your mom friend. Those of you who think mom is equipped to deal with a mean tween texting situation right now have never been through a life and death situation and are so lucky. She is not going to be receptive to sharing screenshots and helpful parenting tips. It will feel like tattling or self-centeredness/insensitivity by OP — which it’s not, but I’m just telling you how it will land with the mom, who is in true crisis with something so much bigger. Ask me how i know.
Again, it’s not fair and not easy and I’m sorry OP.

But how is she supposed to just suddenly drop carpool / stop allowing the kid in her house (when she’s been over there / having dinner there regularly) without addressing why? That feels even weirder

[Anonymous]

Op I hope you come back and update us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sad. The girl is obviously acting out terribly because of watching her mom go through one of the most awful ways to die. AND she is likely very JEALOUS of your daughter with healthy parents.

My heart breaks for her and her family. But, I get that you are at your last straw.

The poor girl needs therapy to help with this. It's not uncommon for kids that age to turn to bad behavior, substance abuse, etc. when handling something like this.

The girl needs help. The kind and compassionate thing to do for BOTH your daughter and the other girl is to let her healthy parent know what's going on. Acting out could be a cry for help or a plea for attention, better to know sooner than later in case it turns more self destructive.

(This is assuming that they are not on imminent death watch. If the dad is likely to pass within the next week, hold back, but otherwise it could be a long hard road for the family, months or possibly years. Alerting her parents that she needs an outlet could help, especially since many people are likely walking on eggshells around them. Alternatively if the girls are in school together you can talk to the guidance counselor. If it's a good one they could potentially help the girls navigate this.)

[Anonymous]

I would say to try really hard to find someone else who can pick up carpool. Keep your daughter separate. I really would focus on triage for your own child, and continue to support the family in ways that don't involve your daughters interacting. But wow, I don't think I'd bring it up to the mom right now. If your daughter continues to experience bullying, contacting the school counselor might be helpful. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could talk to the girl? That might also backfire.

[Anonymous]

Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say to try really hard to find someone else who can pick up carpool. Keep your daughter separate. I really would focus on triage for your own child, and continue to support the family in ways that don't involve your daughters interacting. But wow, I don't think I'd bring it up to the mom right now. If your daughter continues to experience bullying, contacting the school counselor might be helpful. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could talk to the girl? That might also backfire.

+1

Find someone to cover carpool - you don’t need to do it

Don’t go finger-wagging to the mom about mean texts while she’s burying her husband

Let your daughter know she doesn’t have to be around this girl and that you’re glad she told you about the bullying

And yeah you can let the school counselor know, that is reasonable, and they’ll listen to you and should care, but they will also think “wow this kid’s dad is dying and this neighbor is calling me about a text.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

OP is definitely not responsible for finding someone to cover the carpool shifts. I don’t know how OP can avoid telling her neighbor what happened since she has to stop carpooling, but if you call my kid “fat” and a “slut” I’m not coming up with a solution for getting the kid that called her those things to practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sad. The girl is obviously acting out terribly because of watching her mom go through one of the most awful ways to die. AND she is likely very JEALOUS of your daughter with healthy parents.

My heart breaks for her and her family. But, I get that you are at your last straw.

The poor girl needs therapy to help with this. It's not uncommon for kids that age to turn to bad behavior, substance abuse, etc. when handling something like this.

The girl needs help. The kind and compassionate thing to do for BOTH your daughter and the other girl is to let her healthy parent know what's going on. Acting out could be a cry for help or a plea for attention, better to know sooner than later in case it turns more self destructive.

(This is assuming that they are not on imminent death watch. If the dad is likely to pass within the next week, hold back, but otherwise it could be a long hard road for the family, months or possibly years. Alerting her parents that she needs an outlet could help, especially since many people are likely walking on eggshells around them. Alternatively if the girls are in school together you can talk to the guidance counselor. If it's a good one they could potentially help the girls navigate this.)

No. You do not give unsolicited parenting advice to a mom whose husband is dying.

Of course the girl is crying out/lashing out. Honestly some of you are so lucky. Ignorance is truly bliss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say to try really hard to find someone else who can pick up carpool. Keep your daughter separate. I really would focus on triage for your own child, and continue to support the family in ways that don't involve your daughters interacting. But wow, I don't think I'd bring it up to the mom right now. If your daughter continues to experience bullying, contacting the school counselor might be helpful. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could talk to the girl? That might also backfire.

+1

Find someone to cover carpool - you don’t need to do it

Don’t go finger-wagging to the mom about mean texts while she’s burying her husband

Let your daughter know she doesn’t have to be around this girl and that you’re glad she told you about the bullying

And yeah you can let the school counselor know, that is reasonable, and they’ll listen to you and should care, but they will also think “wow this kid’s dad is dying and this neighbor is calling me about a text.”

I think the school would handle it in a way that is more delicate given the bully’s personal situation, but they won’t roll their eyes at a parent being upset about and reporting her daughter being bullied and called fat and a slut. If OP and the other mom weren’t neighbors and the girls just knew each other from school I would leave the other mom out of it and let the school handle it, but the neighbor piece and the carpooling makes that difficult. Regardless of personal circumstances, a person that is being that cruel to my child is not welcome at my home, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

OP is definitely not responsible for finding someone to cover the carpool shifts. I don’t know how OP can avoid telling her neighbor what happened since she has to stop carpooling, but if you call my kid “fat” and a “slut” I’m not coming up with a solution for getting the kid that called her those things to practice.

Yes, we know: You want the Facebook back-pat kudos for dropping off a casserole, you didn’t actual want to be exposed to grief-grief — the real life kind, which is ugly and messy and hard.

OP isn’t responsible for finding carpool cover - but it would be an act of grace and compassion to the family, an acknowledgment that there are bigger factors in play than just a kid being rude.

Here’s how she could talk to neighbor:

Carpool mom: Larla and OtherLarla hit a really rough patch in their relationship. I’m going to need to keep them apart for a bit. XXX is going to take carpool (or I will ask around who else could take).

Neighbor: What was the rough patch?

Carpool mom: Called her fat and slut. I know OtherLarla is understandably in a tough place, and I’m sure they’ll figure it out.

See?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are really unhinged - accusing the OP's husband of past wrongdoing, calling the school counselor, going scorched earth. It's a mean text, not attempted murder.

Anyway, with all respect to those that have faced this terrible situation, I think the texter's mom should know and OP should get someone to cover her carpool shifts (I would not leave the other mom in the lurch) and that it's not a great idea for Larla to come over unless she wants to talk about what happened and apologize.

OP is definitely not responsible for finding someone to cover the carpool shifts. I don’t know how OP can avoid telling her neighbor what happened since she has to stop carpooling, but if you call my kid “fat” and a “slut” I’m not coming up with a solution for getting the kid that called her those things to practice.

Yes, we know: You want the Facebook back-pat kudos for dropping off a casserole, you didn’t actual want to be exposed to grief-grief — the real life kind, which is ugly and messy and hard.

OP isn’t responsible for finding carpool cover - but it would be an act of grace and compassion to the family, an acknowledgment that there are bigger factors in play than just a kid being rude.

Here’s how she could talk to neighbor:

Carpool mom: Larla and OtherLarla hit a really rough patch in their relationship. I’m going to need to keep them apart for a bit. XXX is going to take carpool (or I will ask around who else could take).

Neighbor: What was the rough patch?

Carpool mom: Called her fat and slut. I know OtherLarla is understandably in a tough place, and I’m sure they’ll figure it out.

See?

Ummm no. I’m my child’s parent first and foremost and I would never reduce that kid’s behavior to a passing oh I know they’ll get through it. Did you even read what OP described?