Too many rules postpartum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I got this list I would think you are dealing with major unchecked and untreated anxiety. I’m a mom with a kid under 2, not a grandma.

I wouldn’t think your rules were unfair or anything. I would just think you were not coping with your anxiety at all.

+1. None of these things individually seems THAT crazy but this reads like your long meandering anxious thoughts being put on paper more than a logical attempt to work with DH and your ILs on how to facilitate a visit with the baby first week (which is a pretty normal thing that does generally have some small conflict to work through but shouldn't be a source of this much stress).

Honestly postpartum anxiety and depression are real things and I would talk to your OBGYN about you maybe being at risk if you are this anxious prior to birth.

- mom of 3 under 8

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks into it, I would’ve welcomed Charles Manson into my home to hold my baby for as long as my nap took.

HaHa!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hotel sounds reasonable, everything else sounds like you are making up rules because you don’t really want them to come.

+1. It sounds like you’re stressed, don’t like DH’s family, and are trying to control everything. Let this go. Most people don’t want to kiss the baby on the face and post on social media. Just have the stay at a hotel and come for increments of time. And asking to take shoes off is reasonable.

Dude, have you met boomers, they trade social currency in FB posts about “their baby” (aka the grandkid). The amount of times I’ve had to remind my MIL to keep her crusty lips off my toddler’s face is too numerous to count.

You are horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

I was back at work by 6 weeks. You are a snowflake.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

[Anonymous]

Tbh I think you need to relax, a lot. But I do agree with no kissing baby’s face - however, this isn’t something that needs to be addressed months or even days in advance. When they arrive, before you hand over the baby, you casually let them know that your pediatrician told you no one should be allowed to kiss the baby’s face

Everything else, I think you have some real prenatal anxiety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable: wait to have visitors, wash hands, sleep in a hotel, restrict kisses to the top of the head (if an active cold sore, no visit), shoes off in the house.

+1.

If you asked me to mask I would not come. But maybe that is your goal?

Really? I would not mind masking around a newborn baby. And I can't remember the last time I wore a mask other than the doctor's office. That said, I think you are on to something regarding OP's goal with her list of rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

I was back at work by 6 weeks. You are a snowflake.

I'm sorry you didn't have more chance to recover after giving birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think this is too many rules and being too rigid about rules, BUT

I really agree with your first rule because this is something that people can be really unrealistic about. Both my mom and my MIL were incredibly demanding about wanting to hold the baby and would actually speak sharply to me when I asked to take the baby back. My MIL once accused me of feeding the baby "too often" just to have an excuse to take the baby back (baby was a month old! we were feeding at normal intervals). Both of them said to me at one point that it was "unfair" for me to ask to hold the baby because "you get to hold her all the time."

I just think it's really rude to tell a woman who is within that 6 week postpartum period that she can't hold her own baby. It's selfish and cruel. A woman who recently gave birth should get to hold her baby whenever she wants.

So I'd stick with that rule and I'd encourage your DH to back you up, if you think it will be an issue.

The other stuff is too much. It's fine to set some of those boundaries, but sending people a list that long will just make them feel like you hate them and don't want them to see the baby at all.

That’s fine and I agree with you; but I don’t think that should laid out as a RULE pre-visit….talk about setting a weird tone. That’s something that - IF it happens, you address in the moment. Don’t do that now, it’s not needed and will just make you sound crazy. There’s every good chance that what they’ve said is their way of expressing that they’re really, really excited to meet and hold your baby - which is wonderful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

Huh. First of all, you said “having visitors in the first WEEK is insane”, not the first day home from the hospital. Totally different. That said, nothing doormat-y about it; I love my family and have loved witnessing them meeting my babies - I feel sad for you that you don’t have the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

Huh. First of all, you said “having visitors in the first WEEK is insane”, not the first day home from the hospital. Totally different. That said, nothing doormat-y about it; I love my family and have loved witnessing them meeting my babies - I feel sad for you that you don’t have the same.

Yes, I came home early day 4. There aren't many more days in that first week. You're trying too hard to make people feel crazy for having extremely normal boundaries. My family and in laws visited when it was comfortable for me and still adore my kid. Sorry you felt that outcome wasn't possible in your family without having zero boundaries. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

1. Yes if course they can hold baby but not for hours on end. They have made comments like we will just hold baby and hand them back over to feed. That doesn't work for me. Will I be exhausted of course. But if so DH would want to bond. Also our lactation consultant has advised after I get a little sleep- a nursing vacation - basically skin to skin in bed and if I'm napping out baby down in the bassinet or DH gets skin to skin.

We would like to breastfeed and as part of my work I know just how incredibly hard it can be. I also know/prepared for bringing to the chest every 2 hours/loads of skin to skin.

This is not something you can or should litigate ahead of time especially since you have no idea what you'll want. Some babies only sleep while being held and having extra arms around is a literal lifesaver. You and your husband need to be prepared to walk up to them and say, "I'd like Larlo back please," and take the baby back. That's all you need here.

2. Masking for the first few weeks/months

3. Flu/RSV/covid test before visiting/ even if that means traveling here and waiting a few days before they see us. They would be flying up from Florida

In laws don't get the flu vac. They only have one covid vax. I know if I pressed it they would get them. But it's not just the vaccines. They are careless and they do not limit exposure or social distance.

When is your baby due? It's April right now, I'm assuming it's before cold and flu season. Assuming that's the case, this is too much. Reasonable to ask them to take a covid test, that's it. Provide them, have them wear a mask for the 15 minutes while they're waiting. Beyond that, masking feels like major overkill. I would change my opinion on this if your baby is going to be born after October.

4. No kissing baby on the face or hands

This feels strict to me, but I know some doctors advise it, so fine. Make sure you let them know that it's fine to kiss the baby on the top of the head!

5. No social media - we don't use regularly and we aren't posting or sharing either

You need to be more specific here. "Please don't post pictures of Larlo on social media" is a reasonable request. Obviously if they want to tweet "went to see my grandson today he's amazing!" it's absurd of you to stop that.

6. Asking them to stay at a hotel - not sure if that means we would need to pay for the hotel. Open to it

This is an absolute must. I never let people stay in my home when I have a newborn, it's too much work.

7. Random things like shoes off - which we are always reminding them of, wiping phones w alcohol wipes, washing hands

I'm NOT wading into the shoes off thing if you usually have a shoe free household. BUT if you're just instituting that because of the baby, that's silly. Babies can't even move around at the beginning. Anytime you want to lay them down on the ground, you put a swaddle blanket or something down anyway. Wiping phones? No. You're not their mommy. It is reasonable to ask them to wash their hands before they hold the baby.

Bottom line: Don't come at them with a ton of rules! Ask them to stay in a hotel, and let them know you'll have a covid test ready for them when they arrive. That's all you need before they arrive. When they get in and ask to hold the baby, ask them to wash their hands first, and let them know that the doctor said not to kiss the baby on the hands and face, but rather the top of the head. When you see them them take a picture, ask to see it, coo, and then say "please don't post on social media, we're keeping his picture off there." That's it. Congrats on the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

Huh. First of all, you said “having visitors in the first WEEK is insane”, not the first day home from the hospital. Totally different. That said, nothing doormat-y about it; I love my family and have loved witnessing them meeting my babies - I feel sad for you that you don’t have the same.

Yes, I came home early day 4. There aren't many more days in that first week. You're trying too hard to make people feel crazy for having extremely normal boundaries. My family and in laws visited when it was comfortable for me and still adore my kid. Sorry you felt that outcome wasn't possible in your family without having zero boundaries. See how that works?

DP, you sound crazy.