Too many rules postpartum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently. You are fixated on this because you are nervous about your own adjustment to parenthood. You should have boundaries and general guidelines for the baby’s safety - masking or tests or vaccines for example. I think it’s good to keep your space to yourselves since it’s small, tight quarters. I also think if you come on to strong with all these “rules” you will create more tension and issues than if you play it by ear.

Pre-baby DH needs to talk to his family and be explicit and firm about what you jointly decide. “Mom and Dad, we prefer not to have any visitors in the hospital. When we get home from the hospital, we will accept visitors once we’ve been home for 2 nights. Due to the size and layout of our home, we will not host any overnight guests. You can stay somewhere nearby and stop by during the day.”

After baby, you and your husband need signals. Those signals are for “give me my baby back now” and “get these people out of my house, I’m exhausted”. Your husband needs to have pre-planned phrases and things to say to his parents or family like “We are exhausted, I think it’s time to call it a day. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Or “Mom please come help me in the kitchen” or “Dad, please come with me to pick up takeout”.

Finally, please let me assure you that my mom told anyone and everyone for months “I will hold the baby so she can shower / eat / etc”. And I FREAKED out because all I wanted to do was hold my baby. Before I delivered I broke down in tears after she made the same dumb comment for the 99th time and said “I am YOUR baby. If you are coming in the hazy, early days, I need you to take care of ME so I can take care of MY baby.” She got it. She did not hog the baby. After a few weeks, I was even ready to let other people hold the baby too!

Finally, if you are breastfeeding and the family is the way you describe, make sure your husband is ready to shoot down immediately any comments how if you used bottles other people could “help you” or how you are being selfish since no one else gets to feed the baby.

+1

OP - your baby, your house, your rules. Don't spout off the rules and bark at them, take it as it comes. I get it, you will be exhausted, and really would rather not have visitors. Your ILs seem to be doing this out of their idea of love. My MIL was nasty and rude ("I'm here to see the baby, not you!!" and other gems) and DH and I never forgot her abusive, selfish ways. Do what YOU have to do to make this a pleasant time for YOU. Your ILs already had their time. Of course, my MIL wouldn't babysit either - "I already raised my kids!!" So, we didn't bother asking her. We paid someone, and it was much more peaceful - and helpful! What you want is what matters. Be sure to choose your battles, and maintain your space as your space.

The hotel for them is a must, and make sure your DH is on the same page - it will make everything MUCH easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this too much to ask of family? I'm not at all worried about friends or anyone else. Mostly DHs family. My family is a non issue (dead/estranged)

1. Yes if course they can hold baby but not for hours on end. They have made comments like we will just hold baby and hand them back over to feed. That doesn't work for me. Will I be exhausted of course. But if so DH would want to bond. Also our lactation consultant has advised after I get a little sleep- a nursing vacation - basically skin to skin in bed and if I'm napping out baby down in the bassinet or DH gets skin to skin.

We would like to breastfeed and as part of my work I know just how incredibly hard it can be. I also know/prepared for bringing to the chest every 2 hours/loads of skin to skin.

2. Masking for the first few weeks/months

3. Flu/RSV/covid test before visiting/ even if that means traveling here and waiting a few days before they see us. They would be flying up from Florida

In laws don't get the flu vac. They only have one covid vax. I know if I pressed it they would get them. But it's not just the vaccines. They are careless and they do not limit exposure or social distance.

4. No kissing baby on the face or hands

5. No social media - we don't use regularly and we aren't posting or sharing either

6. Asking them to stay at a hotel - not sure if that means we would need to pay for the hotel. Open to it

7. Random things like shoes off - which we are always reminding them of, wiping phones w alcohol wipes, washing hands

We live in a large 1 bedroom and when they have visited before they sleep in an air mattress in our living room. But I don't exactly want to worry about clothing/decency when I'm up all day/night trying to get the hang of nursing. Plus it's just a lot of people in a small space during a vulnerable time

A lot of these could be avoided if they just waited to meet baby. But they are digging in their heels to being here again from out of state week 1. They don't want to miss this stage.

I'm not trying to be unreasonable and we have a decent relationship they just don't understand some of this because it's not what they are used to in their daily lives.

I think this is fabulous. Good list. You are too kind in allowing people to even visit. It is a vulnerable time for you and your baby.

I think you are fine. But I am also the poster who comes from a different culture and we have fantastic mother-child-family friendly cultural practises for post partum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP is even still reading this, I just want to say as a medical professional and mom of 3:

- Things that matter in the newborn period = baby's health and mom's health, which includes physical and mental
- Things that don't matter (right now) = expectations of others (eg omg we didnt meet baby for 3 whole months poor us) - it's not about them!

The only people who should come into your home right now are those who bring a sense of relief to you based on how they behave and the help they offer. Everything is else is noise and deal with it later. Your baby, your body, your house, your rules. Everyone shaming you for being anxious is ridiculous. Your rules are reasonable, and if you are feeling anxious, that's normal! Having a baby is anxiety-provoking. Stay true to your gut and don't let pushy in laws, etc. bully you.

Pp you act like family is such a burden. If there are too many rules and they get the hint you don't want them you will complain about that too. Without the grandparents neither you nor your spouse would be here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP is even still reading this, I just want to say as a medical professional and mom of 3:

- Things that matter in the newborn period = baby's health and mom's health, which includes physical and mental
- Things that don't matter (right now) = expectations of others (eg omg we didnt meet baby for 3 whole months poor us) - it's not about them!

The only people who should come into your home right now are those who bring a sense of relief to you based on how they behave and the help they offer. Everything is else is noise and deal with it later. Your baby, your body, your house, your rules. Everyone shaming you for being anxious is ridiculous. Your rules are reasonable, and if you are feeling anxious, that's normal! Having a baby is anxiety-provoking. Stay true to your gut and don't let pushy in laws, etc. bully you.

I agree with all of this

[Anonymous]

I told everyone no visitors for 3 weeks. Done and done.