Too many rules postpartum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

Huh. First of all, you said “having visitors in the first WEEK is insane”, not the first day home from the hospital. Totally different. That said, nothing doormat-y about it; I love my family and have loved witnessing them meeting my babies - I feel sad for you that you don’t have the same.

Well, not everyone has a loving family nor loving in-laws. And love can be provided in so many ways, it does not require immediate presence.

My issue wasn't even family, it was DH's friends. Day 5 (from birth so day 3 being home) asked to come over and wanted to bring their toddler up as well. Ummmm no. But I was made to feel like I was being anxious because I knew a fever at the newborn stage could be an issue, and let's be real, toddlers are germ factories. Nor did they offer to bring anything- coffee? no. lunch? no? Drinks and snacks for nursing mom? no. Just their presence.

[Anonymous]

All of this sounds pretty reasonable to me. However, presenting them with a list of rules is not going to go over well. I would have these rules but just deal with them as they arise. "[before handing over baby] do you mind washing your hands?" "[as you hand over baby] Ped said not to kiss the baby on the face/hands due to germs" "[While holding baby] I'll need to take her back in around 20min to nurse"

You should have the hotel discussion in advance and vaccinations, but everything else can't be dealt with as it comes up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

I was back at work by 6 weeks. You are a snowflake.

That's sad for you (assuming it wasn't your choice) but not sure what it has to do with OP wanting to protect her baby from germs? It really, really sucks when a sub-3 month baby gets sick - even a run-of-the-mill cold virus can turn into RSV and an overnight in the ER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this sounds pretty reasonable to me. However, presenting them with a list of rules is not going to go over well. I would have these rules but just deal with them as they arise. "[before handing over baby] do you mind washing your hands?" "[as you hand over baby] Ped said not to kiss the baby on the face/hands due to germs" "[While holding baby] I'll need to take her back in around 20min to nurse"

You should have the hotel discussion in advance and vaccinations, but everything else can't be dealt with as it comes up

PP. I meant "everything else can* be dealt with as it comes up"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reasonable: wait to have visitors, wash hands, sleep in a hotel, restrict kisses to the top of the head (if an active cold sore, no visit), shoes off in the house.

+1.

If you asked me to mask I would not come. But maybe that is your goal?

That...is not a normal reaction. Most people would prioritize meeting their grandchild over their anti-mask sentiments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hotel sounds reasonable, everything else sounds like you are making up rules because you don’t really want them to come.

+1. It sounds like you’re stressed, don’t like DH’s family, and are trying to control everything. Let this go. Most people don’t want to kiss the baby on the face and post on social media. Just have the stay at a hotel and come for increments of time. And asking to take shoes off is reasonable.

Dude, have you met boomers, they trade social currency in FB posts about “their baby” (aka the grandkid). The amount of times I’ve had to remind my MIL to keep her crusty lips off my toddler’s face is too numerous to count.

You are horrible.

Why? Because that’s been my experience with my parents and in-laws and my kids. My MIL and mom both literally whine when they don’t get instantaneous pictures of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

Huh. First of all, you said “having visitors in the first WEEK is insane”, not the first day home from the hospital. Totally different. That said, nothing doormat-y about it; I love my family and have loved witnessing them meeting my babies - I feel sad for you that you don’t have the same.

Yes, I came home early day 4. There aren't many more days in that first week. You're trying too hard to make people feel crazy for having extremely normal boundaries. My family and in laws visited when it was comfortable for me and still adore my kid. Sorry you felt that outcome wasn't possible in your family without having zero boundaries. See how that works?

DP, you sound crazy.

NP, it’s telling you go right to telling someone they’re “crazy” for having different (and perfectly reasonable) boundaries than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Shes responding to what the ILs are saying they want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't let anybody come over without flu/TDAP and this was pre-covid. Only very, very close family (grandparents, essentially) met her before 2 month shots, and then more after 4 month. All of this was pre-covid, and I would have no problem being stricter now. Nobody visits the first week, that's insane. I would simply say no to that - do not come in from another state before the 6 week mark, it will not be worth the travel because we won't be up for visitors or baby-holders until the 6 week mark.

Most importantly, drill this list and your concerns with DH, and make sure he knows it's *his* job to make sure his family isn't getting on your nerves. It's your job to recover from childbirth and try to establish breastfeeding.

You sound really, really weird and insular

You think it's normal to host houseguests the day you get home from the hospital? Not just normal, but choosing not to do that is "really, really weird"? I barely had a shirt on the first two weeks I was home, there's no way I wanted my in laws sleeping on my floor. I'll stay weird and happy, you be a doormat if it's normal to you.

Huh. First of all, you said “having visitors in the first WEEK is insane”, not the first day home from the hospital. Totally different. That said, nothing doormat-y about it; I love my family and have loved witnessing them meeting my babies - I feel sad for you that you don’t have the same.

Well, not everyone has a loving family nor loving in-laws. And love can be provided in so many ways, it does not require immediate presence.

My issue wasn't even family, it was DH's friends. Day 5 (from birth so day 3 being home) asked to come over and wanted to bring their toddler up as well. Ummmm no. But I was made to feel like I was being anxious because I knew a fever at the newborn stage could be an issue, and let's be real, toddlers are germ factories. Nor did they offer to bring anything- coffee? no. lunch? no? Drinks and snacks for nursing mom? no. Just their presence.

Yes, agree, everyone’s circumstances are different. Which is why PP’s statement: “No visitors in the first week; that’s insane.” was, well, insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Agreed. I see myself in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Shes responding to what the ILs are saying they want to do.

Both things can be true. I had wildly overstepping in-laws (I could write a book) but also was struggling with anxiety during and after pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

My SIL had crazy anxiety like this. She wanted us to drive three hours each way to visit for exactly 1.5 hours while masked even after negative Covid test. We were already vaccinated for Covid, flu and Tdap. And baby was born in the summer, not even prime illness season. We took that as them not wanting us to visit and we didn’t meet our nephew until he was 3 months old. She and my BIL were literally at the hospital when my last was born. Oh well. Their baby, their anxiety, their rules.