My ex is marrying AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, not gonna lie. Just acknowledge that it hurts, that it’s unfair, and that they suck, and then try not to dwell in it. They aren’t your problem anymore.

For what it is worth, I was married 17 years when my ex had an affair with his admin assistant. They recently bought a house together and plan to get married. It hasn’t been easy for them… his family STRONGLY disapproved of his actions, and have continued to keep me in their lives to the extent that whatever my ex was going to get from my in-laws in their will, they advised me that they changed it to that I will get half of whatever he would have gotten. My former sister and brother in law still invite me on family vacations, and all of my ex’s aunts and uncles regularly reach out to me and make a big deal about welcoming me at big events (weddings, funerals, etc.). That’s made things hard for my ex and I imagine awkward for his affair partner.

Of course I don’t attend everything I’m invited to, but I guess this just goes to show that it’s not all rainbows and unicorns for the new couple. Some people will NEVER accept them.

As for the kids… my kids are older, and my oldest was old enough to understand that dad had a girlfriend immediately after we separated, and that dad’s girlfriend was the admin assistant he’d met a million times before. He put 2 and 2 together, and now he barely wants to even interact with his dad at all, ever. It’s sad, really.

Just hold your head high, throw yourself into your new life and live your best life.

Hey, it's your job, mom, to encourage child to value dad and want to see dad, regardless of what he did to you.

DP. It actually is not my job to make my child value and want to see Dad. That is Dad’s job. I never spoke of now exDH’s infidelity to the kids, but neither was I going to normalize emotionally abusive behavior towards them. I do make sure my kids are available for visitation, but I don’t make or validate his excuses when he doesn’t show. It is not my job to be the wizard behind the curtain making Oz seem great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my AP for 10 years now and two kids together. Life is wonderful

His new AP says the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my AP for 10 years now and two kids together. Life is wonderful

Yuck, coming on here to boast is not a good look.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not my job to teach my kids to love anyone. It is my job to make sure I follow a custody schedule and not proactively try to turn children against my ex or make them take sides, or even involve them in divorce related disagreements. That’s my job.

My ex’s relationship with the kids is HIS responsibility. That’s the beauty of divorce. I’m no longer responsible for cleaning up after my ex, covering for his lies, or trying to smooth over all the relationships he screws up with people. HIS job, not mine. If you don’t understand that, it’s probably why you are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my AP for 10 years now and two kids together. Life is wonderful

Yuck, coming on here to boast is not a good look.

Ugh. They are not going to live in misery to please you. People move on and make lives for themselves. Unlike the betrayed women on this forum that are bitter for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably a freak in the sheets! Good for him to trade up.

Why ruin that by getting married?

Even though married, some women continue to be freaks.

[Anonymous]

I read article saying something like 80% of marriages to the AP end in divorce because whole relationship built on a false world of zero everyday troubles and responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

if you rely on alimony and she's high maintenance, start thinking of a lucrative hobby or volunteering to fill resume gaps. just in case you need something down road to fall back on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, not gonna lie. Just acknowledge that it hurts, that it’s unfair, and that they suck, and then try not to dwell in it. They aren’t your problem anymore.

For what it is worth, I was married 17 years when my ex had an affair with his admin assistant. They recently bought a house together and plan to get married. It hasn’t been easy for them… his family STRONGLY disapproved of his actions, and have continued to keep me in their lives to the extent that whatever my ex was going to get from my in-laws in their will, they advised me that they changed it to that I will get half of whatever he would have gotten. My former sister and brother in law still invite me on family vacations, and all of my ex’s aunts and uncles regularly reach out to me and make a big deal about welcoming me at big events (weddings, funerals, etc.). That’s made things hard for my ex and I imagine awkward for his affair partner.

Of course I don’t attend everything I’m invited to, but I guess this just goes to show that it’s not all rainbows and unicorns for the new couple. Some people will NEVER accept them.

As for the kids… my kids are older, and my oldest was old enough to understand that dad had a girlfriend immediately after we separated, and that dad’s girlfriend was the admin assistant he’d met a million times before. He put 2 and 2 together, and now he barely wants to even interact with his dad at all, ever. It’s sad, really.

Just hold your head high, throw yourself into your new life and live your best life.

This was my DH's mom and step-mom for about 10 years. Ex-wife came to all of the family events, Thanksgiving at his former in-laws, etc., the family all knew and loved her. After DH's step-mom and dad had been married about 10 years step-mom put her foot down and they established a boundary that the ex-wife is not invited by default and other family members shouldn't invite her - they will do it themselves if they want her there. They basically made his family choose their own son and his new wife over the ex. And it worked. They are all fairly cordial now and the husband does invite his ex to family things on occasion. But the "NEVER" forgiving the son wore thin after a while and it makes sense to me in the end who they chose when they had to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read article saying something like 80% of marriages to the AP end in divorce because whole relationship built on a false world of zero everyday troubles and responsibilities.

The foundation is built on lies. It is born out of a lie. Trust is hard because of the circumstances where it began. And then there is the fact the reasons why people cheat are internal issues which don’t change just by a new body. They rear their head again over time. Resentment can kick in too if there are kids and blended families and “steps”. Divorce rate is much higher for them.

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom with one of their coworkers, left the marriage for the OW, and has been happily married to her for 30+ years. I could provide other examples of happier second marriages but that's the one closest to me personally.

It's hard to be the spouse who gets cheated on and left for the AP. You can quote all the (dubious) stats you want, it doesn't change the fact that (1) your former spouse wasn't fulfilled by the marriage or they wouldn't be cheating, and (2) they might genuinely be happier being with the other person.

Yes, there are serial cheaters who are incapable of fidelity and commitment. There are also those who aren't happy in their marriage, have an affair, leave the unhappy marriage and are never tempted to cheat again because they are finally with the right person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom with one of their coworkers, left the marriage for the OW, and has been happily married to her for 30+ years. I could provide other examples of happier second marriages but that's the one closest to me personally.

It's hard to be the spouse who gets cheated on and left for the AP. You can quote all the (dubious) stats you want, it doesn't change the fact that (1) your former spouse wasn't fulfilled by the marriage or they wouldn't be cheating, and (2) they might genuinely be happier being with the other person.

Yes, there are serial cheaters who are incapable of fidelity and commitment. There are also those who aren't happy in their marriage, have an affair, leave the unhappy marriage and are never tempted to cheat again because they are finally with the right person.

Oh god. Your mom sucks I’m sure, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my AP for 10 years now and two kids together. Life is wonderful

Yuck, coming on here to boast is not a good look.

I'm not defending adultery, but there's so much vitriol against cheating on this board, it's only natural some posters will go to the other extreme.
You get what you deserve, each side, by being obnoxiously extreme. Extreme morality is just as off-putting as extreme vices.

And yes, of course some unions that started out in the shadows will last the distance. A lot won't. Everyone knows that.

OP, it's normal to feel resentful. Try not to think about them, and take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my AP for 10 years now and two kids together. Life is wonderful

Yuck, coming on here to boast is not a good look.

I'm not defending adultery, but there's so much vitriol against cheating on this board, it's only natural some posters will go to the other extreme.
You get what you deserve, each side, by being obnoxiously extreme. Extreme morality is just as off-putting as extreme vices.

And yes, of course some unions that started out in the shadows will last the distance. A lot won't. Everyone knows that.

OP, it's normal to feel resentful. Try not to think about them, and take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Best wishes to you!

So much vitriol against cheating . I guess we should all be condoning and applauding it. You go, girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom with one of their coworkers, left the marriage for the OW, and has been happily married to her for 30+ years. I could provide other examples of happier second marriages but that's the one closest to me personally.

It's hard to be the spouse who gets cheated on and left for the AP. You can quote all the (dubious) stats you want, it doesn't change the fact that (1) your former spouse wasn't fulfilled by the marriage or they wouldn't be cheating, and (2) they might genuinely be happier being with the other person.

Yes, there are serial cheaters who are incapable of fidelity and commitment. There are also those who aren't happy in their marriage, have an affair, leave the unhappy marriage and are never tempted to cheat again because they are finally with the right person.

Oh god. Your mom sucks I’m sure, troll.

Yeah- usually the troll cheater likes to throw a dig at mom to say she’s a bitter old lady to try and make it appear there is another side. This one didn’t even mention mom.