If your IL's were not warm and welcoming to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

I am the one who said that. No, if he allowed them to be rude to me that would not be OK. He tried to suck me into their drama early on telling me what they said about me when I set boundaries. I told him what they say about me behind my back is none of my business and he is creating problems telling me. He also would come back sharing everything his sisters said about their own husbands (who also set boundaries). I told him those issues are none of our business and if they want to have happy marriages then perhaps work all that out in counseling rather than constantly bashing their husbands to the rest of the family. i said it's not his place to judge the spouses when he doesn't know their side nor should he. His sisters are now divorced multiple times and they hate eachother too. I advised him to stay out their drama too. So I don't interfere with him seeing them, but I do advise him to not get sucked into drama.

[Anonymous]

Every female should remember that there is no woman on earth who is good enough for any mother's son. Sad but true. So do your best to keep your marriage and family happy and let in-laws stew in their own misery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ie: from the start - Did you ever forgive them?

In other words, if it was nothing you did, if they were just not nice people. Ex: if they judged and criticized you, but did not bother to get to know you.

Would appreciate words of support, rather than criticism and assumptions.

I haven’t. MIL tried relentlessly to get DH to not date me. When he divorced his first wife, she thought he would move back in with her (she’s a lonely widow). I have kids from a previous marriage and he had none. She was always saying things would never work. Now that we’re married, she’s nice to me. She still wants to talk about his ex wife every time we’re together. I’m cordial, but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to be more specific if you want realistic advice.

How did they "judge and criticize" you? That's a lot different than not being "warm and welcoming."

What kind of supportive words do you want when you haven't even described what exactly they've done to you - and therefore all we CAN do is make assumptions?

You sound so harsh. Try to be softer and more understanding in your reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 24 years into a marriage with in-laws like this. I have to keep reminding myself that it's my choice to allow them to affect me. But the reality is, I do feel they ruined my marriage and much of my adult life. If I had to do it over, I would not have married my husband because his parents are so dismissive of me. They are extremely wealthy. I grew up UMC, raised by parents who grew up in poverty and built an incredible life for us. There is no reason for my ILs to look down on me, but they always have. And it causes my husband to feel the same way a lot of the time. When we are around them, it brings the absolute worst out of him. I actually broke up with him after I met his family, because I just knew they weren't for me. But he worked hard to win me back. OP, do not fool yourself into believing it will get better. It won't. People do not change.

+1

Change a few details and this is me, as well. I would never have married DH if I’d known the extent of their disapproval. If we hadn’t moved across the country we likely would’ve divorced. Now we live far away and are relatively happy but there is serious distance in their relationship with their son and grandkids (which is their fault- not mine- but there are no winners here IYKWIM). The whole thing just isn’t ideal- and all for what? I love my DH but could’ve been happy with someone else also- minus the family drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

My MIL saves her worst behavior for when he’s out of the room and then she is stunningly rude to me. I’ve made a point now to try to never be home when they visit, I don’t take the obligatory trips to their house (across the country) and if I have to see them I try to glue myself to H’s side so she doesn’t have the opportunity. At thanksgiving this year she couldn’t get me alone and was clearly jonesing to go off on me so she waited until he went up to say goodnight to one of our kids and then went after me in front of the other guests in my home. So bad that her own sister called (so I guess my aunt in law?) called me the next day to try to console me about the behavior. We’ve been married almost 20 years. But it definitely has impacted my opinion of my spouse. Even the more casual rudeness, if my parents treated him the way his treat me (like the hired help basically, except I’d never personally be so rude to anyone I hired, but for lack of a better way to explain it, I’ll use that term) I would call them out every single time because to me it’s like death by a thousand cuts. MIL is purposely rude, FIL is just obtuse and obnoxious and plays off MIL’s deliberate rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Obviously not enough information is given to know what family dynamics are in play.

However, truly toxic in laws are going to more often than not produce damaged children. Anyone who marries into such a family dynamic will most likely have their own psychological issues that cause them to be drawn to partner with an adult child of toxic parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

My MIL saves her worst behavior for when he’s out of the room and then she is stunningly rude to me. I’ve made a point now to try to never be home when they visit, I don’t take the obligatory trips to their house (across the country) and if I have to see them I try to glue myself to H’s side so she doesn’t have the opportunity. At thanksgiving this year she couldn’t get me alone and was clearly jonesing to go off on me so she waited until he went up to say goodnight to one of our kids and then went after me in front of the other guests in my home. So bad that her own sister called (so I guess my aunt in law?) called me the next day to try to console me about the behavior. We’ve been married almost 20 years. But it definitely has impacted my opinion of my spouse. Even the more casual rudeness, if my parents treated him the way his treat me (like the hired help basically, except I’d never personally be so rude to anyone I hired, but for lack of a better way to explain it, I’ll use that term) I would call them out every single time because to me it’s like death by a thousand cuts. MIL is purposely rude, FIL is just obtuse and obnoxious and plays off MIL’s deliberate rudeness.

Go after you? What did she actually do or say that you found to be offensive? What did she do or say that you found rude? It is telling that you used so many words to criticise her without actually saying what she did wrong.

You also don't indicate what if anything you said in response to her rude behavior towards you.

No I am not a mother in law, but I have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

My MIL saves her worst behavior for when he’s out of the room and then she is stunningly rude to me. I’ve made a point now to try to never be home when they visit, I don’t take the obligatory trips to their house (across the country) and if I have to see them I try to glue myself to H’s side so she doesn’t have the opportunity. At thanksgiving this year she couldn’t get me alone and was clearly jonesing to go off on me so she waited until he went up to say goodnight to one of our kids and then went after me in front of the other guests in my home. So bad that her own sister called (so I guess my aunt in law?) called me the next day to try to console me about the behavior. We’ve been married almost 20 years. But it definitely has impacted my opinion of my spouse. Even the more casual rudeness, if my parents treated him the way his treat me (like the hired help basically, except I’d never personally be so rude to anyone I hired, but for lack of a better way to explain it, I’ll use that term) I would call them out every single time because to me it’s like death by a thousand cuts. MIL is purposely rude, FIL is just obtuse and obnoxious and plays off MIL’s deliberate rudeness.

Go after you? What did she actually do or say that you found to be offensive? What did she do or say that you found rude? It is telling that you used so many words to criticise her without actually saying what she did wrong.

You also don't indicate what if anything you said in response to her rude behavior towards you.

No I am not a mother in law, but I have one.

Not that I need to justify my feelings to you, but…

I had guests in my house. There is no situation under which she should go off on me in front of them. This particular time she was ripping me a new one for “destroying the relationship between my husband and his sibling because I only “allow” him to fly the kids across country twice a year.” His sibling has never, not once, in the 13 years any of us have had kids come to us. Not only that, but my spouse gets two weeks of vacation a year and he uses all but 2 days bringing the kids out there. She called me cheap and controlling because he won’t use the last two days for visits to them and said I don’t need help with school days off because I should cover all of them myself so her son can visit more especially since her son makes more money than I do. He doesn’t. I don’t know why she would think he does. I work full time too and also have long distance parents I need to visit. DCPS has 19 days in a calendar year where the school is closed for a variety of reasons. He doesn’t even use those days to help with that, he just tells her that so she’ll stop hounding him. We use them along with a holiday weekend to cobble together a vacation for our kids that doesn’t involve either set of grandparents. Also, if her own sister found her out of line, that seems pretty telling regardless of what was said in this particular instance.

Be glad you don’t have someone in your life like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

My MIL saves her worst behavior for when he’s out of the room and then she is stunningly rude to me. I’ve made a point now to try to never be home when they visit, I don’t take the obligatory trips to their house (across the country) and if I have to see them I try to glue myself to H’s side so she doesn’t have the opportunity. At thanksgiving this year she couldn’t get me alone and was clearly jonesing to go off on me so she waited until he went up to say goodnight to one of our kids and then went after me in front of the other guests in my home. So bad that her own sister called (so I guess my aunt in law?) called me the next day to try to console me about the behavior. We’ve been married almost 20 years. But it definitely has impacted my opinion of my spouse. Even the more casual rudeness, if my parents treated him the way his treat me (like the hired help basically, except I’d never personally be so rude to anyone I hired, but for lack of a better way to explain it, I’ll use that term) I would call them out every single time because to me it’s like death by a thousand cuts. MIL is purposely rude, FIL is just obtuse and obnoxious and plays off MIL’s deliberate rudeness.

Go after you? What did she actually do or say that you found to be offensive? What did she do or say that you found rude? It is telling that you used so many words to criticise her without actually saying what she did wrong.

You also don't indicate what if anything you said in response to her rude behavior towards you.

No I am not a mother in law, but I have one.

Not that I need to justify my feelings to you, but…

I had guests in my house. There is no situation under which she should go off on me in front of them. This particular time she was ripping me a new one for “destroying the relationship between my husband and his sibling because I only “allow” him to fly the kids across country twice a year.” His sibling has never, not once, in the 13 years any of us have had kids come to us. Not only that, but my spouse gets two weeks of vacation a year and he uses all but 2 days bringing the kids out there. She called me cheap and controlling because he won’t use the last two days for visits to them and said I don’t need help with school days off because I should cover all of them myself so her son can visit more especially since her son makes more money than I do. He doesn’t. I don’t know why she would think he does. I work full time too and also have long distance parents I need to visit. DCPS has 19 days in a calendar year where the school is closed for a variety of reasons. He doesn’t even use those days to help with that, he just tells her that so she’ll stop hounding him. We use them along with a holiday weekend to cobble together a vacation for our kids that doesn’t involve either set of grandparents. Also, if her own sister found her out of line, that seems pretty telling regardless of what was said in this particular instance.

Be glad you don’t have someone in your life like this.

+1 my mother is like this. I know exactly what you mean about “jonesing to go off on you” and trying not to be alone with the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ie: from the start - Did you ever forgive them?

In other words, if it was nothing you did, if they were just not nice people. Ex: if they judged and criticized you, but did not bother to get to know you.

Would appreciate words of support, rather than criticism and assumptions.

IL's were horrible to me, especially MIL. She actively tried to get DH to not marry me, and later to divorce me. Then we had a child, and it stopped. DS was like my ticket to the family. I haven't forgiven or not forgiven - I always saw her as an obstacle or interference, and it would be like forgiving a pothole for busting your tire. I never wasted any anger on her, just tried to keep her from causing problems. I still have to manage her, but DS gave me some power that I didn't have before, as well as years of marriage and my name on the house title, and other things I didn't have before. It's not a matter of forgiveness so much as I just don't waste as much time thinking about her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

I am the one who said that. No, if he allowed them to be rude to me that would not be OK. He tried to suck me into their drama early on telling me what they said about me when I set boundaries. I told him what they say about me behind my back is none of my business and he is creating problems telling me. He also would come back sharing everything his sisters said about their own husbands (who also set boundaries). I told him those issues are none of our business and if they want to have happy marriages then perhaps work all that out in counseling rather than constantly bashing their husbands to the rest of the family. i said it's not his place to judge the spouses when he doesn't know their side nor should he. His sisters are now divorced multiple times and they hate each other too. I advised him to stay out their drama too. So I don't interfere with him seeing them, but I do advise him to not get sucked into drama.

I am the PP who asked the question. My situation is like this- I get greeted so I receive the obligatory cordial part. I have Never been asked anything about myself, literally not one single thing. If there is a conversation and I try to participate they just grey rock me. Example, They talk about going out to dinner and having a great meal. I respond with "oh, where did you go" and it's deadpan w/silence or an "I don't remember" and changing conversation. So my husband is either so obtuse he doesn't see it (while also thinking the greeting is enough) or really just doesn't care his family isn't "nice" to me. The sibling behaves the same way towards me and talks non stop to just husband and parents. A significant part of this is cultural. I guess I am just expected to sit in silence during the entire visit. I can opt out of some visits, but not all. I on the other hand would never allow my family to act like this to him so it's hard to ignore how his family treats me and "not interfere with his relationship with them."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Yeah, she is like this. Whatever is "required", flat affect, snarky, cold, that type of thing - clannish, insular, not inclusive unless they need something....

PP who said DIL is "wrong side of the tracks" - like that.

What I am deliberately avoiding is the typical DCUM "she said/she said" and pettiness about a particular situation trope, that sidetracks the general question.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Huh? I responded because your thread title and your original post don’t line up. The behavior you are describing is rude—it’s bad behavior. That’s a far cry from people being “not warm and welcoming to you.” I know many people who are not warm and welcoming, but they are at least civil/cordial/neutral. Do you not understand that your thread title and the behavior you described in your original post are two entirely different things?

It is actually both, thank you for asking.

Pick a lane. There is nothing wrong with not being “warm and welcoming.” That’s just…neutral. What you are describing is actively negative behavior. And frankly I’m starting to see why you aren’t liked.

NP. OP, ignore this bullying nut-job. The rest of us are following what you are saying.

[Anonymous]

It just kind of mellows at some point. I'm never going to be best friends with them. But we've found a way to make it work. My DH is not that close to them so it's not a huge deal.

Also, not to be morbid, but: eventually they die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every female should remember that there is no woman on earth who is good enough for any mother's son. Sad but true. So do your best to keep your marriage and family happy and let in-laws stew in their own misery

Eh, this is not the dynamic in our case. My MIL is honestly not that interested in my DH, and she certainly doesn't worry about me being good enough for him. She does resent me because she wants him to do more things for her, and she resents the fact that she never had a daughter, who she thinks would have dedicated her life to making her happy and comfortable.

She's just a very self centered person who resents when anyone gets anything she doesn't already have, even when they only got it by working for it and procuring it themselves. Like I outran my DH but she takes note of every item of clothing I have and says some version of "must be nice" to be able to.. own clothes? We're not talking about designer things, we're talking a sweater from JCrew or something. That I bought with money I earned myself. I even buy all her gifts because DH has no clue and I know what she wants because she's always expressing jealousy over my things, but it's never enough.

She's bitter and blames everyone else for her own dissatisfaction in life because she's never understood that it is up to you to make what you can out of what you get. It's exhausting and my DH agrees.

But she's not rude to me because I took her precious boy away. She's rude to me in the same way she's rude to everyone. She's alienated one of her sisters and several of her friends in the same way -- being jealous, self-centered, expecting everyone to focus on her and support her but never offering anything in return.

Some people are just miserable.