If your IL's were not warm and welcoming to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Yeah, she is like this. Whatever is "required", flat affect, snarky, cold, that type of thing - clannish, insular, not inclusive unless they need something....

PP who said DIL is "wrong side of the tracks" - like that.

What I am deliberately avoiding is the typical DCUM "she said/she said" and pettiness about a particular situation trope, that sidetracks the general question.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Huh? I responded because your thread title and your original post don’t line up. The behavior you are describing is rude—it’s bad behavior. That’s a far cry from people being “not warm and welcoming to you.” I know many people who are not warm and welcoming, but they are at least civil/cordial/neutral. Do you not understand that your thread title and the behavior you described in your original post are two entirely different things?

It is actually both, thank you for asking.

Pick a lane. There is nothing wrong with not being “warm and welcoming.” That’s just…neutral. What you are describing is actively negative behavior. And frankly I’m starting to see why you aren’t liked.

Okay, MIL - you tell me how I feel, go ahead! LOL.

[Anonymous]

My parents were not warm and welcoming to my husband. He didn't really take it personally so there was nothing to forgive. He has a lot of confidence. If they dont' like him, then THEY are losing out on knowing a great guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 24 years into a marriage with in-laws like this. I have to keep reminding myself that it's my choice to allow them to affect me. But the reality is, I do feel they ruined my marriage and much of my adult life. If I had to do it over, I would not have married my husband because his parents are so dismissive of me. They are extremely wealthy. I grew up UMC, raised by parents who grew up in poverty and built an incredible life for us. There is no reason for my ILs to look down on me, but they always have. And it causes my husband to feel the same way a lot of the time. When we are around them, it brings the absolute worst out of him. I actually broke up with him after I met his family, because I just knew they weren't for me. But he worked hard to win me back. OP, do not fool yourself into believing it will get better. It won't. People do not change.

+1. OP here. Agree entirely, thank you. They will not change, and I have to remind myself that, even though I know that (rationally). You were smart and paid attention early, thankfully, for you! I wish I knew you, IRL. It is difficult when they tend to make everything about them, they dismiss DH and I, do not consider us. But like you said, they will never change. I just did not know enough to pick up on the fact that that is how they treated DH all his life, and they carry their negative behaviors over to me. Even though he is the one who historically does the most for the family, over the years - that falls by the wayside. As if they will never see him as a successful adult.

[Anonymous]

The ILs are not going to change. Don’t spend any time with them. If they come to your house-leave. Why are YOU reminding your husband to reach out to his mother on Mother’s Day? Just stop!

[Anonymous]

If they aren't warm and welcoming at the beginning you forgive like I did. If they just get worse and create tons of drama, you distance like I did, but don't interfere with your husband's relationship with them. He decided on his own he had enough. No regrets. Many of them no longer talk to eachother. The mean siblings have gone through multiple marriages and can't seem to get along with others. I never said a harsh word to any of them. I remained polite, but very distant with many boundaries. Dysfucntional people are going to be dysfunctional unless they break the cycle and get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't warm and welcoming at the beginning you forgive like I did. If they just get worse and create tons of drama, you distance like I did, but don't interfere with your husband's relationship with them. He decided on his own he had enough. No regrets. Many of them no longer talk to eachother. The mean siblings have gone through multiple marriages and can't seem to get along with others. I never said a harsh word to any of them. I remained polite, but very distant with many boundaries. Dysfucntional people are going to be dysfunctional unless they break the cycle and get help.[/quote]

+1

So true! Yes, I need to remember that DH grew up with this, they don't seem to like each other, and they are accustomed to their behaviors, so let it be.

[Anonymous]

Despite the fact that there is clear evidence (at least on DCUM) that toxic inlaws can totally affect and possibly ruin a marriage I have still never heard of anyone who decided against marrying a person just because of the inlaws.

You can warn people all you want that it will probably never change as time goes on but in the throes of early love literally no one listens to this advice.

[Anonymous]

So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

I think when the DH comes from a family that tends to bully him, that DH grows up with a lot of anger - and would not know how to stand up for himself, because standing up for himself meant more "piling it on" - especially from a large family of bullies. It makes for a dynamic that most of us do not have, or care to know about. So, you learn to avoid them, and they are genuinely perplexed as to why - which beats them piling it on to you.

If that DH has kids, then the kids learn what the DH's family is about quite young (without anyone having said anything) - because they see the very stark differences in how mom's family acts together, compared to how dad's family acts together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Despite the fact that there is clear evidence (at least on DCUM) that toxic inlaws can totally affect and possibly ruin a marriage I have still never heard of anyone who decided against marrying a person just because of the inlaws.

You can warn people all you want that it will probably never change as time goes on but in the throes of early love literally no one listens to this advice.

Ultimately, if the ILs are that toxic, you end up not seeing them that much, anyway - which is probably what the toxic ILs wanted, to begin with.

Some people just don't have any idea how to be happy, and they especially don't want other people around them to be happy. Happy = target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL told my DH he was making a mistake marrying me. We now have 5 kids and have been married 20+ years. She was never warm and always judgmental of me while my FIL was always lovely and kind. Up until he died I was engaged in their family. Not a lot but would do the visits. Since my FIL died I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL. She doesn't live close so my DH sees her but I don't make the effort or care. She is still rude.

I am sorry for the loss of your kind, lovely FIL. Doesn't it make you wonder how they stayed married all those years, and how they were together, at all? Maybe he just tuned her out. In my FILs case, he was never home - on purpose! In DH's family, "home" was not synonymous with "joy", which makes me quite sad, because my parents passed young - their only riches were their loving extended (many generations, raised together) family.

I think especially when one is first generation, being grateful is very important and valued in that family. MIL preaches being "grateful", but does not show it, only those who are just like her matter - anyone else is a target for bullying.

[Anonymous]

They didn’t welcome me but expected our family to go to the ends of the earth to support them when they needed help. When they didn’t do the same for us in a time of need, like even ask how I am, I decided I no longer gave a crap to visit them. Guess what? Now they barely call (per their usual emotionally unavailable selves) and probably resent we don’t make the long trek to see them because DH knows it’s a lot to do on his own with the kids. If you don’t show a basic interest in me and my kids, it’s not worth my time and effort to try to please you.

[Anonymous]

MIL started out ok, FIL neutral, BIL rude. FIL died and over time MIL was controlling, no boundaries, clanish and when I politely pushed back she began a crusade with DH re how bad I was. He ignored her for a long time bUT finally told her to stop. By that point the relationship was ruined. I’ve seen her twice in 4 years and I’m polite but that’s it. And, I mostly do that for my kids.

BIL and I have found a way forward but that’s because I forgive a lot of bad behavior because I love my SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They didn’t welcome me but expected our family to go to the ends of the earth to support them when they needed help. When they didn’t do the same for us in a time of need, like even ask how I am, I decided I no longer gave a crap to visit them. Guess what? Now they barely call (per their usual emotionally unavailable selves) and probably resent we don’t make the long trek to see them because DH knows it’s a lot to do on his own with the kids. If you don’t show a basic interest in me and my kids, it’s not worth my time and effort to try to please you. [/quote]

+1

Favoritism (only supporting the grown adult child that looks/acts like you) can be a real problem, also - remember that child also has your bad points, so be open and equal to ALL of your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL started out ok, FIL neutral, BIL rude. FIL died and over time MIL was controlling, no boundaries, clanish and when I politely pushed back she began a crusade with DH re how bad I was. He ignored her for a long time bUT finally told her to stop. By that point the relationship was ruined. I’ve seen her twice in 4 years and I’m polite but that’s it. And, I mostly do that for my kids.

BIL and I have found a way forward but that’s because I forgive a lot of bad behavior because I love my SIL

You sound like. truly amazing SIL, PP.