If your IL's were not warm and welcoming to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every female should remember that there is no woman on earth who is good enough for any mother's son. Sad but true. So do your best to keep your marriage and family happy and let in-laws stew in their own misery

Eh, this is not the dynamic in our case. My MIL is honestly not that interested in my DH, and she certainly doesn't worry about me being good enough for him. She does resent me because she wants him to do more things for her, and she resents the fact that she never had a daughter, who she thinks would have dedicated her life to making her happy and comfortable.

She's just a very self centered person who resents when anyone gets anything she doesn't already have, even when they only got it by working for it and procuring it themselves. Like I outran my DH but she takes note of every item of clothing I have and says some version of "must be nice" to be able to.. own clothes? We're not talking about designer things, we're talking a sweater from JCrew or something. That I bought with money I earned myself. I even buy all her gifts because DH has no clue and I know what she wants because she's always expressing jealousy over my things, but it's never enough.

She's bitter and blames everyone else for her own dissatisfaction in life because she's never understood that it is up to you to make what you can out of what you get. It's exhausting and my DH agrees.

But she's not rude to me because I took her precious boy away. She's rude to me in the same way she's rude to everyone. She's alienated one of her sisters and several of her friends in the same way -- being jealous, self-centered, expecting everyone to focus on her and support her but never offering anything in return.

Some people are just miserable.

+1

Agree. Some people (narcissists) REALLY get offended, take it personally, and make it their mission to put an end to other people's happiness. What they don't realize is that they truly have no control over anything in their own lives, least of all, other people's happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Mine were the latter. I do not forgive them. Some things are unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Mine were the latter. I do not forgive them. Some things are unforgivable.

There can easily be both. You don’t make any rules.

[Anonymous]

37 years. Yes, they are forgiven, but I should've stood my ground early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

I am the one who said that. No, if he allowed them to be rude to me that would not be OK. He tried to suck me into their drama early on telling me what they said about me when I set boundaries. I told him what they say about me behind my back is none of my business and he is creating problems telling me. He also would come back sharing everything his sisters said about their own husbands (who also set boundaries). I told him those issues are none of our business and if they want to have happy marriages then perhaps work all that out in counseling rather than constantly bashing their husbands to the rest of the family. i said it's not his place to judge the spouses when he doesn't know their side nor should he. His sisters are now divorced multiple times and they hate each other too. I advised him to stay out their drama too. So I don't interfere with him seeing them, but I do advise him to not get sucked into drama.

I am the PP who asked the question. My situation is like this- I get greeted so I receive the obligatory cordial part. I have Never been asked anything about myself, literally not one single thing. If there is a conversation and I try to participate they just grey rock me. Example, They talk about going out to dinner and having a great meal. I respond with "oh, where did you go" and it's deadpan w/silence or an "I don't remember" and changing conversation. So my husband is either so obtuse he doesn't see it (while also thinking the greeting is enough) or really just doesn't care his family isn't "nice" to me. The sibling behaves the same way towards me and talks non stop to just husband and parents. A significant part of this is cultural. I guess I am just expected to sit in silence during the entire visit. I can opt out of some visits, but not all. I on the other hand would never allow my family to act like this to him so it's hard to ignore how his family treats me and "not interfere with his relationship with them."

That's identical to my husband's family. I won't say what country they are from, but it might be the same one. You are expected to attend all their boring functions and just sit there like a decoration. I've stopped going to most things. As I got older I just kind of got over it. I don't hate them or anything - I realized over time that it wasn't personal. Plus, they got nicer as we got older and had kids and more history. But they are still boring. Just ignore them and play on your phone or something. Come up with excuses why you can't go. I literally worked an extra job on weekends so I would have an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those who say they don’t interfere with husbands relationship with parents, does he allow them to be rude to you and you just don’t care that he doesn’t stand up for you?

I am the one who said that. No, if he allowed them to be rude to me that would not be OK. He tried to suck me into their drama early on telling me what they said about me when I set boundaries. I told him what they say about me behind my back is none of my business and he is creating problems telling me. He also would come back sharing everything his sisters said about their own husbands (who also set boundaries). I told him those issues are none of our business and if they want to have happy marriages then perhaps work all that out in counseling rather than constantly bashing their husbands to the rest of the family. i said it's not his place to judge the spouses when he doesn't know their side nor should he. His sisters are now divorced multiple times and they hate each other too. I advised him to stay out their drama too. So I don't interfere with him seeing them, but I do advise him to not get sucked into drama.

I am the PP who asked the question. My situation is like this- I get greeted so I receive the obligatory cordial part. I have Never been asked anything about myself, literally not one single thing. If there is a conversation and I try to participate they just grey rock me. Example, They talk about going out to dinner and having a great meal. I respond with "oh, where did you go" and it's deadpan w/silence or an "I don't remember" and changing conversation. So my husband is either so obtuse he doesn't see it (while also thinking the greeting is enough) or really just doesn't care his family isn't "nice" to me. The sibling behaves the same way towards me and talks non stop to just husband and parents. A significant part of this is cultural. I guess I am just expected to sit in silence during the entire visit. I can opt out of some visits, but not all. I on the other hand would never allow my family to act like this to him so it's hard to ignore how his family treats me and "not interfere with his relationship with them."

That's identical to my husband's family. I won't say what country they are from, but it might be the same one. You are expected to attend all their boring functions and just sit there like a decoration. I've stopped going to most things. As I got older I just kind of got over it. I don't hate them or anything - I realized over time that it wasn't personal. Plus, they got nicer as we got older and had kids and more history. But they are still boring. Just ignore them and play on your phone or something. Come up with excuses why you can't go. I literally worked an extra job on weekends so I would have an excuse.

+1

OP here. I like the extra job idea! Yes, similar to this. Just so insular and clannish. After so many decades of being married barely know anything about me or my family! Who does that?? How narcissistic and selfish can someone be? My family knew about DH and his family right away. It is difficult when you grow up in a normal family, and think every family in normal, or at least without lack of basic social graces.