If your IL's were not warm and welcoming to you

[Anonymous]

ie: from the start - Did you ever forgive them?

In other words, if it was nothing you did, if they were just not nice people. Ex: if they judged and criticized you, but did not bother to get to know you.

Would appreciate words of support, rather than criticism and assumptions.

[Anonymous]

You're going to have to be more specific if you want realistic advice.

How did they "judge and criticize" you? That's a lot different than not being "warm and welcoming."

What kind of supportive words do you want when you haven't even described what exactly they've done to you - and therefore all we CAN do is make assumptions?

[Anonymous]

My mother in law hated me from day one.

Her words "wrong side of the tracks"

I was nice to her for 15 years then she was all DH. Took a year he cut her off. We have been married 37 years.

Am I happy he cut her off. No, sad.
She missed out on some wonderful grand children.

We can not make people like us OP.

[Anonymous]

There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

[Anonymous]

Some people or cultures are more welcoming than others. I would give them the benefit of the doubt and just keep leaving the door open for them. My mom hated my DH but after I kept pointing out some of his good attributes and actions, she grew supportive of him. So maybe a part of it is your spouse’s advocating for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Yeah, she is like this. Whatever is "required", flat affect, snarky, cold, that type of thing - clannish, insular, not inclusive unless they need something....

PP who said DIL is "wrong side of the tracks" - like that.

What I am deliberately avoiding is the typical DCUM "she said/she said" and pettiness about a particular situation trope, that sidetracks the general question.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother in law hated me from day one.

Her words "wrong side of the tracks"

I was nice to her for 15 years then she was all DH. Took a year he cut her off. We have been married 37 years.

Am I happy he cut her off. No, sad.
She missed out on some wonderful grand children.

We can not make people like us OP.

OP here. I don't care if she likes me or not, we are not best buds (I have my own friends) - it is just the assumptions and judginess about being (as PP stated) from "the wrong side of the tracks", so to speak.

So, the question is not who likes who - but I suppose one can't make one be a kind person, either.

[Anonymous]

You sound kind of bitter, so that may continue to fuel this negative dynamic. My DH was neutral and unaffected, so we were able to turn the relationship into a positive one. Try not to take her behavior personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Yeah, she is like this. Whatever is "required", flat affect, snarky, cold, that type of thing - clannish, insular, not inclusive unless they need something....

PP who said DIL is "wrong side of the tracks" - like that.

What I am deliberately avoiding is the typical DCUM "she said/she said" and pettiness about a particular situation trope, that sidetracks the general question.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Huh? I responded because your thread title and your original post don’t line up. The behavior you are describing is rude—it’s bad behavior. That’s a far cry from people being “not warm and welcoming to you.” I know many people who are not warm and welcoming, but they are at least civil/cordial/neutral. Do you not understand that your thread title and the behavior you described in your original post are two entirely different things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Yeah, she is like this. Whatever is "required", flat affect, snarky, cold, that type of thing - clannish, insular, not inclusive unless they need something....

PP who said DIL is "wrong side of the tracks" - like that.

What I am deliberately avoiding is the typical DCUM "she said/she said" and pettiness about a particular situation trope, that sidetracks the general question.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Huh? I responded because your thread title and your original post don’t line up. The behavior you are describing is rude—it’s bad behavior. That’s a far cry from people being “not warm and welcoming to you.” I know many people who are not warm and welcoming, but they are at least civil/cordial/neutral. Do you not understand that your thread title and the behavior you described in your original post are two entirely different things?

It is actually both, thank you for asking.

[Anonymous]

I am 24 years into a marriage with in-laws like this. I have to keep reminding myself that it's my choice to allow them to affect me. But the reality is, I do feel they ruined my marriage and much of my adult life. If I had to do it over, I would not have married my husband because his parents are so dismissive of me. They are extremely wealthy. I grew up UMC, raised by parents who grew up in poverty and built an incredible life for us. There is no reason for my ILs to look down on me, but they always have. And it causes my husband to feel the same way a lot of the time. When we are around them, it brings the absolute worst out of him. I actually broke up with him after I met his family, because I just knew they weren't for me. But he worked hard to win me back. OP, do not fool yourself into believing it will get better. It won't. People do not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound kind of bitter, so that may continue to fuel this negative dynamic. My DH was neutral and unaffected, so we were able to turn the relationship into a positive one. Try not to take her behavior personally.

Yes, DH is neutral, but also accustomed to MILs ways, and accepts that MIL is not really a nice person, and that won't change over night (or ever). So, I think I have to get on board with his way of thinking. It is difficult at Mother's Day and MILs birthday, because I have to prompt him to call her, but I probably just have to drop the rope. I guess we tend to think that all families may be like our own, while we are young and still growing - in adulthood, it becomes clear that that is just not true. No family is perfect, obviouslySo, I don't think I am bitter (who knows), but I do think that MIL helped form an opinion of her that is unfavorable, whether or not that was her intention.

It is weird when you expect a family you marry into to be warm and curious about you, and the ILs have rarely, if ever asked anything about me over the years - they really don't know me.

[Anonymous]

I remember a Jewish friend who got the full hyperventilation and YOU'RE KILLING YOUR MOTHER from his parents when he announced he was engaged to a Chinese Christian.

The couple remained polite, the parents got over it, they wound up with a good relationship.

Life is better with a little forgiveness and forgetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a big difference between “not warm and welcoming” and being overtly rude, judgmental and mean-spirited. If they are cordial to you, that is all that is required.

Yeah, she is like this. Whatever is "required", flat affect, snarky, cold, that type of thing - clannish, insular, not inclusive unless they need something....

PP who said DIL is "wrong side of the tracks" - like that.

What I am deliberately avoiding is the typical DCUM "she said/she said" and pettiness about a particular situation trope, that sidetracks the general question.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Huh? I responded because your thread title and your original post don’t line up. The behavior you are describing is rude—it’s bad behavior. That’s a far cry from people being “not warm and welcoming to you.” I know many people who are not warm and welcoming, but they are at least civil/cordial/neutral. Do you not understand that your thread title and the behavior you described in your original post are two entirely different things?

It is actually both, thank you for asking.

Pick a lane. There is nothing wrong with not being “warm and welcoming.” That’s just…neutral. What you are describing is actively negative behavior. And frankly I’m starting to see why you aren’t liked.

[Anonymous]

My MIL told my DH he was making a mistake marrying me. We now have 5 kids and have been married 20+ years. She was never warm and always judgmental of me while my FIL was always lovely and kind. Up until he died I was engaged in their family. Not a lot but would do the visits. Since my FIL died I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL. She doesn't live close so my DH sees her but I don't make the effort or care. She is still rude.