Found out my coworkers were lunching during covid

[Anonymous]

Never in my wildest thoughts would have considered inviting someone who lives a flight away to a luncheon unless I knew they were already planning to be in town for a business meeting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

So the onus was all on them even though you were the one suffering? That's not how it works. Friendship is a two way street. You wanted them too read your mind while you said nothing and tried to convey your feelings telepathically.

Obviously they reached out to everyone else...

Lazy and petty. Not a good combo. You have no idea how these lunches unfolded since you weren't involved. Nobody is stopping you from saying "hey let me know next time you go, I'd love to join" but you seem to have a piss poor attitude so it's becoming more clear you just want to be a victim. Dust off that resume.

I've been applying for two years, trying to get back into an office. I haven't even gotten any interviews, but way to shove that knife in deeper. Thanks. Hope it made your day.

People are giving you ideas and you have excuses for all of them. It doesn't seem like you really want to fix this or make any effort. Just complain.

No one's giving me ideas of how to rejoin a team that doesn't want me. That's what this is about.

[Anonymous]

OP, you were (very) remote before the pandemic. Expecting people who all live local to include you when you commuted by *plane* is not realistic. I completely understand how hurt you must feel - being excluded is a lousy feeling. It sucks.

For your sake, though, you need to be aware of what’s situational (you live a plane ride away) and what you may be contributing to this dynamic (taking personally what isn’t).

Good luck with job applications - I hope you can get in person soon. I really miss my colleagues, too, but our agency is slow-walking us all back.

[Anonymous]

Again, I’m sorry that you were left out and I can tell you feel hurt. But you live in airplanes ride away which is why they didn’t think to invite you.

I think the best way for you to integrate yourself back into the team is to reach out and invite them to lunch and be the coordinator for lunch.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were covid conscious. They can’t win op.

I'm more lenient, actually. But again, I never interacted with them once we were sent them. They had no idea how I felt, so I am pretty sure their decision predates covid, and that's what hurts.

I get it. They dislike me, and they're entitled to those feelings. So how do I get past that and be part of the team again? It's uncomfortable to be the only one not included.

I’m wouldn’t assume they don’t like you but more that they don’t know you. Sounds like they were friends before covid and continued meeting up in friendship not as work colleagues. I would not read anything more into it.

I've been there 12 years, which I guess makes this even more problematic.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

This is a situation where I would ask why you weren't included. IMO, you don't have much to lose by asking but if you have a favorite of the ladies or one who you may be a little closer to could you ask - did you all think about including me? It's always possible that these things just materialize and no one intentionally leaves someone out but if I were you I would want to know. Take whatever answer is given with grace and then use that information to learn from it.

I did ask. She said it was because I "lived too far away" (and that's true, I commuted in once a week by airplane) but shouldn't that have been my decision? I was back in DC visiting family ALL the time over the past two weeks and could have easily swung by somewhere for lunch.

Two YEARS, sorry!

Umm... there's your answer. You lived a flight away during Covid lockdowns. Let this go and work on being a kind and reliable coworker.

I AM kind and reliable. Just hurt and feeling left out.

OP, and I say this gently, if you "needed" it to "keep your sanity," then maybe you weren't someone they felt they could deal with. Maybe they were handling things well enough when they could keep it easy and superficial, but someone with that kind of intensity would have been too much.

Have you felt left out before? Is this kind of familiar, being on the outside of a group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

This is a situation where I would ask why you weren't included. IMO, you don't have much to lose by asking but if you have a favorite of the ladies or one who you may be a little closer to could you ask - did you all think about including me? It's always possible that these things just materialize and no one intentionally leaves someone out but if I were you I would want to know. Take whatever answer is given with grace and then use that information to learn from it.

I did ask. She said it was because I "lived too far away" (and that's true, I commuted in once a week by airplane) but shouldn't that have been my decision? I was back in DC visiting family ALL the time over the past two weeks and could have easily swung by somewhere for lunch.

Two YEARS, sorry!

Umm... there's your answer. You lived a flight away during Covid lockdowns. Let this go and work on being a kind and reliable coworker.

I AM kind and reliable. Just hurt and feeling left out.

OP, and I say this gently, if you "needed" it to "keep your sanity," then maybe you weren't someone they felt they could deal with. Maybe they were handling things well enough when they could keep it easy and superficial, but someone with that kind of intensity would have been too much.

Have you felt left out before? Is this kind of familiar, being on the outside of a group?

I'm not intense. I stay in the shadows, very quiet, don't waves, go along to get along. I just need to be around people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were covid conscious. They can’t win op.

I'm more lenient, actually. But again, I never interacted with them once we were sent them. They had no idea how I felt, so I am pretty sure their decision predates covid, and that's what hurts.

I get it. They dislike me, and they're entitled to those feelings. So how do I get past that and be part of the team again? It's uncomfortable to be the only one not included.

I’m wouldn’t assume they don’t like you but more that they don’t know you. Sounds like they were friends before covid and continued meeting up in friendship not as work colleagues. I would not read anything more into it.

I've been there 12 years, which I guess makes this even more problematic.

During those 12 years, did you live in the same place you worked?

Honestly, you make it sound like you, sitting in Silver Spring, are sad because your colleagues, who all live in Arlington, are going out for lunch without you and using the distance to justify it. That's not what's happening here. It's a plane ride, not half an hour on the Beltway. If you were never local, how have you maintained connections with people on your team before? Seems kind of difficult to feel like a full member of the team if everyone's local but you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never in my wildest thoughts would have considered inviting someone who lives a flight away to a luncheon unless I knew they were already planning to be in town for a business meeting.

+1
It would not occur to me. If they had a regularly scheduled lunch, they would quite reasonably not include you because you didn't live in the same state. And if you didn't reach out and say, "I'm going to be in town next week; lunch?" that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

So the onus was all on them even though you were the one suffering? That's not how it works. Friendship is a two way street. You wanted them too read your mind while you said nothing and tried to convey your feelings telepathically.

Obviously they reached out to everyone else...

Lazy and petty. Not a good combo. You have no idea how these lunches unfolded since you weren't involved. Nobody is stopping you from saying "hey let me know next time you go, I'd love to join" but you seem to have a piss poor attitude so it's becoming more clear you just want to be a victim. Dust off that resume.

I've been applying for two years, trying to get back into an office. I haven't even gotten any interviews, but way to shove that knife in deeper. Thanks. Hope it made your day.

People are giving you ideas and you have excuses for all of them. It doesn't seem like you really want to fix this or make any effort. Just complain.

No one's giving me ideas of how to rejoin a team that doesn't want me. That's what this is about.

He’s we have. Next time you are in town, invite them all to lunch!

[Anonymous]

^^(PS: I ask that as a kind of intense person who spends a lot of time being on the outside of groups. I've learned to moderate it and channel that intensity to other places in my life, though. It helps. People are allowed to let work be work and not therapy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

This is a situation where I would ask why you weren't included. IMO, you don't have much to lose by asking but if you have a favorite of the ladies or one who you may be a little closer to could you ask - did you all think about including me? It's always possible that these things just materialize and no one intentionally leaves someone out but if I were you I would want to know. Take whatever answer is given with grace and then use that information to learn from it.

I did ask. She said it was because I "lived too far away" (and that's true, I commuted in once a week by airplane) but shouldn't that have been my decision? I was back in DC visiting family ALL the time over the past two weeks and could have easily swung by somewhere for lunch.

Two YEARS, sorry!

Umm... there's your answer. You lived a flight away during Covid lockdowns. Let this go and work on being a kind and reliable coworker.

I AM kind and reliable. Just hurt and feeling left out.

OP, and I say this gently, if you "needed" it to "keep your sanity," then maybe you weren't someone they felt they could deal with. Maybe they were handling things well enough when they could keep it easy and superficial, but someone with that kind of intensity would have been too much.

Have you felt left out before? Is this kind of familiar, being on the outside of a group?

I'm not intense. I stay in the shadows, very quiet, don't waves, go along to get along. I just need to be around people.

Okay, but that can come off as really needy. Sometimes people pick up on that. Has this been a problem before for you, or is this the first time?

If not being included is sort of an ongoing theme for your life, then it's not really the details of this particular situation that you need to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were (very) remote before the pandemic. Expecting people who all live local to include you when you commuted by *plane* is not realistic. I completely understand how hurt you must feel - being excluded is a lousy feeling. It sucks.

For your sake, though, you need to be aware of what’s situational (you live a plane ride away) and what you may be contributing to this dynamic (taking personally what isn’t).

Good luck with job applications - I hope you can get in person soon. I really miss my colleagues, too, but our agency is slow-walking us all back.

+1
Also, it's not clear whether you've been a plane ride away all along, or just during the pandemic. If the former, they probably don't know you as well because you're not around. If the latter, they may have known that you went remote during the pandemic and so didn't think you'd be available. If you're quiet and don't speak up and don't initiate social plans then they don't feel that close to you. And if you're remote, that's exacerbated.

[Anonymous]

I'm suspecting there are deeper personal issues at work with OP.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, difficult people (and I don't know that you are one, but just in case) often don't perceive themselves as difficult. But a person who immediately jumps to the worst explanation for something (they don't like me) vs a more innocuous explanation (I live too far to come to lunch; the lack of invitation has nothing to do with me personally) is generally a more difficult person to deal with.