Found out my coworkers were lunching during covid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you extra Covid cautious? Do you wear a robust mask that muffles your voice? Do you insist they all wear one? Do you inquire about their vaccination status?

Any or all of these might be the reason.

No, minus a desire to return to the office, I was dead silent on my feelings about masking and vaccination - I felt maintaining relationships through divisive times was more important. We were all required to be vaccinated, though, so there shouldn't have been a fear of that on their part.

I don't know that your personality/POV was great. You may have been giving off 'pleaser' vibes. Dead silence isn't admirable - it's cowardice. Add that to your need to be liked and maybe they weren't up for all of that with you. My two cents.

I literally never interacted with them once we were sent home, though. I don't consider it cowardice to not send an email saying "Here's how I feel about covid measures." Am I missing something?

I think you do miss some things. You didn't interact and are confounded to not be invited out to lunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you were covid conscious. They can’t win op.

I'm more lenient, actually. But again, I never interacted with them once we were sent them. They had no idea how I felt, so I am pretty sure their decision predates covid, and that's what hurts.

I get it. They dislike me, and they're entitled to those feelings. So how do I get past that and be part of the team again? It's uncomfortable to be the only one not included.

Dollars to donuts this isn't your first time experiencing this phenomenon, OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

So the onus was all on them even though you were the one suffering? That's not how it works. Friendship is a two way street. You wanted them too read your mind while you said nothing and tried to convey your feelings telepathically.

Obviously they reached out to everyone else...

Lazy and petty. Not a good combo. You have no idea how these lunches unfolded since you weren't involved. Nobody is stopping you from saying "hey let me know next time you go, I'd love to join" but you seem to have a piss poor attitude so it's becoming more clear you just want to be a victim. Dust off that resume.

I've been applying for two years, trying to get back into an office. I haven't even gotten any interviews, but way to shove that knife in deeper. Thanks. Hope it made your day.

People are giving you ideas and you have excuses for all of them. It doesn't seem like you really want to fix this or make any effort. Just complain.

No one's giving me ideas of how to rejoin a team that doesn't want me. That's what this is about.

You said you don't want to be part of the team based on this. But you do. That's your problem. The PP that said you only want to complain and get sympathy is spot on. You want to whine not resolve. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you extra Covid cautious? Do you wear a robust mask that muffles your voice? Do you insist they all wear one? Do you inquire about their vaccination status?

Any or all of these might be the reason.

No, minus a desire to return to the office, I was dead silent on my feelings about masking and vaccination - I felt maintaining relationships through divisive times was more important. We were all required to be vaccinated, though, so there shouldn't have been a fear of that on their part.

I don't know that your personality/POV was great. You may have been giving off 'pleaser' vibes. Dead silence isn't admirable - it's cowardice. Add that to your need to be liked and maybe they weren't up for all of that with you. My two cents.

I literally never interacted with them once we were sent home, though. I don't consider it cowardice to not send an email saying "Here's how I feel about covid measures." Am I missing something?

To me, that's the issue. They did not understand you WANTED interaction, OP. Probably after everyone was asked to work from home, they all continued to communicate with each other, complain about isolation, until someone suggested getting together for lunch. You were out of the loop, and therefore they thought you were not interested.

You sound a little socially clueless. It takes continued interactions with people to become friends or at least, friendly acquaintances. Out of sight, out of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

This is a situation where I would ask why you weren't included. IMO, you don't have much to lose by asking but if you have a favorite of the ladies or one who you may be a little closer to could you ask - did you all think about including me? It's always possible that these things just materialize and no one intentionally leaves someone out but if I were you I would want to know. Take whatever answer is given with grace and then use that information to learn from it.

Sorry, but I do no think this is good advice. It puts the person with whom OP is presumably closest on the spot and, what is she going to say - no, we don't really like you, so....She's going to have to come up with a socially acceptable response that may or may not be true. It has the potential to introduce issues into a decent relationship.

The better tactic, in my opinion, is for OP to talk to the person with whom she has a good relationship and say, "Hey, I heard you guys have lunch sometimes. I'd love to come whenever I'm in town. I'll keep you posted and would you please let me know if there are any lunches then? [or, I'll invite the team to lunch next time I'm in town.]"

[Anonymous]

It would never occur to me to invite someone to lunch who lives a plane ride away. Also, you said you didnt talk to them once you went remote, so how would they know you were flying in to see family. I get being disappointed you aren't close with your coworkers. I've been there, its hard and feels lonely. But I think if you look at the situation, you'll realize they weren't leaving you out because thry dont like you,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, difficult people (and I don't know that you are one, but just in case) often don't perceive themselves as difficult. But a person who immediately jumps to the worst explanation for something (they don't like me) vs a more innocuous explanation (I live too far to come to lunch; the lack of invitation has nothing to do with me personally) is generally a more difficult person to deal with.

+1
The obvious, neutral explanation is that you don't live in the same state and that's why they didn't invite you. And you didn't communicate with them about anything personal, so they wouldn't have known that you were visiting, let alone when (let alone that you were at all interested in socializing). The fact that you jumped to it being personal rejection seems to suggest a larger issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you go to lunch/socialize with these people before the pandemic?

[Anonymous]

Do you live far away from them? Some of the coworkers I meet up with during Covid are the ones who are in closer proximity...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you give off anti-social vibes? So many people WFH because they have no interest in the socializing aspect and just want to clock in and clock out. If that sounds like you, then you can't be put out that people are socializing around you.

No, I desperately wanted to go back to the office from day 1. I don't handle isolation well - ended up in therapy, plus meds the whole time I was at home. Regular lunches might have saved my sanity.

Did you ever reach out to co-workers to get together?

No, because I didn't want to be seen as a covid denier. I had no idea they were doing it secret already...

This is a situation where I would ask why you weren't included. IMO, you don't have much to lose by asking but if you have a favorite of the ladies or one who you may be a little closer to could you ask - did you all think about including me? It's always possible that these things just materialize and no one intentionally leaves someone out but if I were you I would want to know. Take whatever answer is given with grace and then use that information to learn from it.

I did ask. She said it was because I "lived too far away" (and that's true, I commuted in once a week by airplane) but shouldn't that have been my decision? I was back in DC visiting family ALL the time over the past two weeks and could have easily swung by somewhere for lunch.

I would not think to invite someone who lived a plane ride away for a casual lunch.

I work with one of my best friends. But my friend lives in NYC and I live in DC and I would NEVER be put out if that person didn't invite me to lunch and invited a bunch of NYC folks. In fact, that happens quite a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you live far away from them? Some of the coworkers I meet up with during Covid are the ones who are in closer proximity...

She lives a FLIGHT away from them. And yet is somehow offended they didn't invite her to fly in for lunch

[Anonymous]

I'm really trying to wrap my head around why you're so upset. You werent in driving distance. You didn't keep in touch. Why are you so upset that they didn't ask you to fly in for lunch? Logically it makes zero sense

[Anonymous]

Are you serious OP? If you live a PLANE RIDE away from everyone, how the heck are they supposed to know you were in town if you didn't reach out to them first? This is 100% on you...you should have reached out and said I'm going to be in town x,y,z day, let's get together for lunch while I'm in town.

[Anonymous]

OP did not get the response she was hoping for and has stopped responding since no one is on her side.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We work for a large subcontractor of Boeing, so flying in for lunch is not out of the realm of possibility.

But I get it. I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to have human interaction in my life and my coworkers weren't right to avoid me. Got it. I'll just go start drinking again now.