I've become my mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved who I was in my early 20's. I got out, had fun, earned a masters degree, traveled for work every month. Then I got married, had kids, my job function turned remote by virtue of "industry improvements", and I'm struggling. I stay home basically 24/7, my life revolves around laundry and dishes. I struggle to connect with people because of this. I watch the news, so I am not wholly ignorant of what's going on in the world, but I feel...ignorant. On autopilot. I used to think my mother was stupid, but now I realize the trap that middle aged women with schoolchildren fall into. My husband has an "important" job (has been on TV during recent hurricanes), and I feel so left behind. Can anyone relate?

I'm sure your mother loved who she was in her early 20s too when she got out, had fun, wasn't tied down yet.
I don't understand these laments about the drudgery of motherhood. Two decades of "service" is the trade-off for having a family. Motherhood is drudgery most of the time, it's always been part of the job description unless you want to give your children a complex.

What were you expecting, to live that 20s life forever? If you didn't have a family you'd probably still end up in an un-envied life because age-ism in the workplace will get you, people will pity your spinsterhood, they'll snivel "cat lady" behind your back - all that stuff. It's no picnic for single middle-aged women.

Honestly, I think that some younger women don't realize that this is a systemic issue; it's the nature of being a mother and the nature of growing older in a society that so heavily values beauty, youth, novelty, flash. Some people think that this is an individual issue and therefore they will make the right choices will never be like "those" women. Middle age and motherhood are a bigger shock to those who somehow think they are above the everyday drudgery that weighs so many down.

[Anonymous]

Or we can find the beauty that is in the mundane daily work. These little acts of service can be done in true love for our families, or with resentment for taking away from ourselves as with the OP. The way of love leads to love. The way of resentment leads to …well, more resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is an abusive narcissist. If I made the comment you just made, that would be super bad for society. Saying you are like you’re what seems to be very normal, caring mom is just sort of silly.

I guess I find it difficult to be in DH's shadow without some sort of recognition myself. I know that's selfish, but I feel worthless. Anyone can be a mother.

OP, I gave up my career because my child has special needs. Meanwhile, because we moved to the area for my job my husband's career pivoted to the path I had been on. Now he's pretty much accomplished what I wanted and I stay home (because being too involved with our child made him "feel sad" ) I spent the first few years feeling lost and resisting the urge to explain to everyone how I use to be/do these great things. Over the years, here is what I've learned.

1) it's really hard to be a great parent, and being one is something to be proud of.

2) most of the trappings that make you feel accomplished are only meaningful within your relatively small circle of career peers. DH is giving a keynote for a conference. It's a big deal...for his field. In the big picture of life and love, it's not that big of a deal.

3) After people retire what they care most about is their family, and the people who care the most about them are their family.

4) Aside from very few of us, 50-100 years after we die we will be completely forgotten. It's just how it goes.

While I've definitely been "left behind" career wise, I am not disconnected from things that matter. They just aren't the things I thought would matter the most 20 year ago. I think the problem is not exactly what you are doing, but the fact that you (seem to feel) so disengaged and unfulfilled by it. Try thinking of ways you can do something important that doesn't involve "recognition". If you are living a meaningful life, you don't need other people to observe it and applaud you for it.

Also...maybe get screened for depression. Feeling disconnected, like you are on autopilot, not having joy, those can all be related to depression.

[Anonymous]

Let’s go back in time and teach your younger self how wrong she was.

Your mom is not a loser; you only thought so because she was old and you were young. Now that you are old, you begin to develop perspective. You don’t need to think like a teenager anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or we can find the beauty that is in the mundane daily work. These little acts of service can be done in true love for our families, or with resentment for taking away from ourselves as with the OP. The way of love leads to love. The way of resentment leads to …well, more resentment.

I write the post above yours and I'm not sure if you are responding to me or OP. But I completely agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or we can find the beauty that is in the mundane daily work. These little acts of service can be done in true love for our families, or with resentment for taking away from ourselves as with the OP. The way of love leads to love. The way of resentment leads to …well, more resentment.

This. I went through a pretty major midlife crisis at the beginning of the pandemic because I felt like OP… stuck, bored, disengaged, taken for granted… I was lucky, I found some good help and I was able to re-engage in things that make me feel like me. This meant exercise, better connection with friends, reveling in the amazingness of my family and those small home tasks, and ultimately a new job.

Three years later I am a whole new person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord people are harsh. Have you people never gone through similar feelings in your life? If not, obviously you cannot relate…..so don’t post! Argh. And don’t get triggered because OP isn’t satisfied just being a mom. There’s nothing wrong with that and there’s nothing wrong with it if you are satisfied. The point is working through the feelings to get to something constructive. Not have a bunch of righteous a-holes try to invalidate you.

OP, I get it. Try to make time for friends, research job openings, get your linked in profile updated, set boundaries hearing about your husband’s career (just started this and I love it), set book goals, etc. Those things helped me feel like I was doing something constructive. Exploring the possible can give you a feeling of choice which I have found helpful as well.

Also…. time is trippy and we kinda do turn into our parents by living similar stages of life however many years apart.

The reaction is because OP has done 0 reflection, still insults her mother, focuses on the superficial, and denigrates what most of us are doing (anyone could be a mother). If she had posted with an ounce of self awareness and kept her post about her own life and her feelings rather than insulting anyone else, I am quite sure many posters would have posted much kinder helpful things.

I reread what OP said. I have no problems with what was written but I take issue with your comment because OP - according to you - hasn’t progressed far enough in her own self journey. Everyone judges their parents and everyone comes to terms with it on their own timeline. OP is obviously in the beginning of this journey. I don’t think that deserves criticism - it’s just a temporary life stage and mental state. Also, being a Mom is nothing special! So what?! I’m a mom to 2 kids and they’re great. Obviously I love them but I’m raising them to eventually be independent, happy productive members of society. I exist outside of being a Mom. My life satisfaction is not wrapped up in that sole identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or we can find the beauty that is in the mundane daily work. These little acts of service can be done in true love for our families, or with resentment for taking away from ourselves as with the OP. The way of love leads to love. The way of resentment leads to …well, more resentment.

I write the post above yours and I'm not sure if you are responding to me or OP. But I completely agree with you.

I was responding to OP. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not take a class, and volunteer? I've volunteered for an hour a week for the last 11 years and people are always fascinated that I do it.

I guess I miss being accomplished.

So what new thing are you going to add to your life? Here's the thing: 20-somethings are not that accomplished and they don't make that much money. The things we did in our 20s seemed so great is because it was all so new. I am skeptical that you were more accomplished at your masters stage then you are today, 15 years into your career having developed a "niche skill" set. What you are, is bored. What do you feel you are ignorant about? That one, I am still following on a basic level.

I agree with this and I'm actually kind of surprised no one else mentioned this. What we have at 40 is hopefully what we worked towards since we were 20. What this means though is that there's less excitement. We aren't moving to a new apartment every few years or making major life changes. We've settled into our lives. We probably own reliable cars and a home. We may have sold and moved to our "forever home" or at least a house in a place we want to be. Most of us have these sort of life goals when we are young. If you're driven and work hard, you might have achieved them all by 40. At which point your life based on goal setting and rapid changes is basically complete. And you know what? That's okay. You're in a good place. You have stability and a family, a car, a home, etc. Just because you don't have excitement every couple of years doesn't mean your life has to be boring. You have the money now to do things. Go on a weekly date night with your husband when possible. Prioritize it. You can get someone to babysit for a few hours if your kids are younger. Go to shows. See your friends (more on this below).

Then there's COVID and we didn't leave the house as often. We stopped seeing people. We are only now still returning to normal (and we aren't even there yet really). So think about your friends. When was the last time you saw them? Some of them may have been your roommates when you were in or just out of college. Some of them may have gone clubbing with you or listened to you vent about your ex's. Now is the time to try to reconnect. If any live near you, prioritize time with them. a weekend morning or an evening with your friends every week or two. At our age, friendships aren't as easy to maintain. We don't just get together with our friend and rent a place together. We don't go out looking for fun some random Friday night. Because of this, our friendships have a way of drifting and possibly atrophying. We have to make time for them and purposely build and maintain our friendships. We have to prioritize them or they drift away. It's much harder to make friends in our 40's. I've been there but have actually made several new ones.

So I guess if I was to do a TLDR of this, I'd say you've achieved your major life goals. Now enjoy your life. You have stability and money. You have to prioritize things. There's nothing wrong with being home a lot but you do need some time for fun still. You're 40. You're not 80 years old with mobility issues but don't worry, that's coming eventually. This can be the best decade of your life if you allow it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord people are harsh. Have you people never gone through similar feelings in your life? If not, obviously you cannot relate…..so don’t post! Argh. And don’t get triggered because OP isn’t satisfied just being a mom. There’s nothing wrong with that and there’s nothing wrong with it if you are satisfied. The point is working through the feelings to get to something constructive. Not have a bunch of righteous a-holes try to invalidate you.

OP, I get it. Try to make time for friends, research job openings, get your linked in profile updated, set boundaries hearing about your husband’s career (just started this and I love it), set book goals, etc. Those things helped me feel like I was doing something constructive. Exploring the possible can give you a feeling of choice which I have found helpful as well.

Also…. time is trippy and we kinda do turn into our parents by living similar stages of life however many years apart.

The reaction is because OP has done 0 reflection, still insults her mother, focuses on the superficial, and denigrates what most of us are doing (anyone could be a mother). If she had posted with an ounce of self awareness and kept her post about her own life and her feelings rather than insulting anyone else, I am quite sure many posters would have posted much kinder helpful things.

It’s not about you.

[Anonymous]

Many of us become our parents. Progressive does commercials about this! Find ways to be happy with yourself and embrace it. It sounds more that you are unhappy with your life. You have a lot of good advice here.

My husband called me to find me while we were both in the grocery store last weekend. We have definitely become my parents.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to take the long view, while taking small actions to live something closer to the life you want for yourself.

Professionally, this doesn’t have to be your role forever. I mommy-tracked for a solid decade and then stepped it back up. I’m now a exec level with considerable professionally respect, media appearances, etc. I’m not saying that career success is necessarily important or should/can be a focus for everyone, but if it is for you, it’s helpful to recognized that life is long (hopefully!), there are many different seasons, and the person you are right now doesn’t need to be the person you always are. A return to something more closely resembling your old self can come in time. (And there are huge trade offs! I miss the days of 30 he workweeks and lots of time with my kids and in the kitchen)

At the same time though, start doing something to cultivate your interests. In my youth, I was super adventurous (ice climbing, travel, long biking expeditions), etc. Most of that has fallen my the wayside, but I’ve channeled it into fostering that sense of adventure into my kids. A two day backpacking trip with 7 year olds, or week in Europe with no real itinerary is very different from my old adventures, but doing something a little out of the norm reminds me of my old self, and as the kids have gotten older, we’re able to do some pretty neat stuff and it’s been a joy seeing things through their eyes and learning/doing new activities based on their interests. we manage mini adventures at least a few times a year and a big one every couple years.

Also cultivate friendships (see the recent NYT happiness challenge) and try new things. I learned to swim and did a triathlon in my 30s during peak kid monotony years. The challenge of it, and having something I did just for myself, was mentally a big lift.

All of this takes initiative and effort, but at the end of the day I feel like I have a pretty full life and am an interesting person. Admittedly, doing those things has gotten easier as kids moved into middle school/high school.

[Anonymous]

Are you in the DC area? It's cold, grey, and dreary right now. Prime time for a bout of Seasonal Affective Depression. It hits me every year after the holidays and it looks a whole lot like what you are experiencing.

When it hits, which is usually my first menstrual cycle in January, I know it for what it is and ride out and debunk all of my though distortions.

It's not easy though, a number of years of CBT have gotten me to this point. Maybe a screening for depression would be a good starting point for you.