Are men happier than women in marriage at midlife?

[Anonymous]

That’s interesting. I would say I’m happier overall than my DH (actually really enjoy the kids and parenting and have made peace with the trade offs I’ve made in my career for the most part, whereas my DH struggles more with parenting and does a lot of comparing his professional success to others). But in our marriage I honestly don’t know. I think we both wish it were better but feel like we don’t have much more to give. I feel frustrated with him about a variety of things and I’d be willing to bet he wishes we had more sex. I doubt he’s blissfully happy about our marriage. I wonder if he would be happier married to someone who cared more about his high salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting sex?

y) probably happy
n) miserable

Low 40s male here. Sex is unequivocally the most important part of a marriage when you aren’t having it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

Men are not blissfully happy. I bet your husband is as unhappy(or much more unhappy vs your level)as you are. Many men are extremely lonely and isolated in their marriages. Men are told no one cares how you feel so suck it up and continue on.

Who is saying this? Can they please stop?
I would like to know what’s up with my husband. I mean, his insistence that he’s fine and has no problems makes me feel gaslighted. I know what I see. Im not crazy.

He doesn’t like being married to the kind of person who would say gaslighted.

Ok. I don’t like being told that I’m crazy and that the things I see happening aren’t happening.

[Anonymous]

DH 61 here. Most heterosexual marriages would be materially better if each partner tried harder to discover and meet the others' unmet needs. That can start with simply asking your partner what needs they have that they wish were being fulfilled better by you, and then listen carefully.

It is perhaps a stereotype, but for men, those unmet needs are often in the bedroom. A DW who wants to reanimate her marriage thus can sometimes do so pretty easily by focusing on that and showing more interest, enthusiasm, and open-mindedness. Variety helps. You can create variety with the same person but it takes imagination and work.

Many DH have completely abandoned any romantic efforts towards their wives. So this is an area, along with helping around the house and with other life chores, where many DH can make improvements quickly.

Someone once said that romance to many wives is like a BJ yo many DHs. Crass, but there is an element of truth to this,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men considering marriage should read this thread.

Any man who plans on being wealthy should get a prenup and keep post marital assets separate. If you don’t and get screwed in divorce—-shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Look at the Obamas.

Mrs. going on and on about how miserable many of their years in Chicago were and all the sh!t she has to put up with.

Barack just blissfully happy to have a sexy wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at the Obamas.

Mrs. going on and on about how miserable many of their years in Chicago were and all the sh!t she has to put up with.

Barack just blissfully happy to have a sexy wife.

She sacrificed everything for him. Consciously, but still…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at the Obamas.

Mrs. going on and on about how miserable many of their years in Chicago were and all the sh!t she has to put up with.

Barack just blissfully happy to have a sexy wife.

Lol OK whatever you say

[Anonymous]

Happier? I don’t know.

Getting more value out if it? Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is actual research on this - marriage is generally very beneficial for men and not for women. In most marriages the woman is handling so much of what makes a life enjoyable - men benefit from that and women resent the imbalance.

It’s this. Women are over it because they feel like their DH is another child to care for and clean up after. Men are happy because they’ve successfully replaced their mother. They might be unhappy with the amount of sex, but also might recognize that being single at their age doesn’t guarantee much more sex than a reasonable healthy marriage, plus that sex would come with the burden of having to actually put effort into attracting a woman. You think these guys are prepared to romance a woman who doesn’t do all their laundry and make sure their kids have summer childcare and plan their vacations and remember their mom’s birthday and put up with even their shittiest friends? They are not prepared. They know the score and most of these guys are significantly better off staying married, even when it comes to sex.

Meanwhile, women fantasize about joint custody agreements that would force their DHs to actually do childcare, plus living in a home that is not shared with a grown adult who never cleans the bathroom or changes the sheets. There are tons of downsides to divorce but the upsides really target the pressure points for women— too little help with kids and the house, no alone time or true free time.

[Anonymous]

You think these guys are prepared to romance a woman who doesn’t do all their laundry and make sure their kids have summer childcare and plan their vacations and remember their mom’s birthday and put up with even their shittiest friends?

Those are things you value in yourself, not what men value in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happier? I don’t know.

Getting more value out if it? Absolutely.

Man here and this simple explanation makes sense to me. Neither my wife or I are particularly happy but we both get some value out of it. Our complaints would be typical, she would say lack of help or emotional support, we are basically sexless so you can imagine my complaints. But I make a lot of money so she has her benefits too including being a SAH.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to say that sec was an issue in my marriage too until I went on low dose naltrexone. It can affect the female
Libido. Just saying. Worked wonders for us and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men don't expect to be happy, and certainly don't think that's the purpose of being married.

But in truth, marriage should be explicitly presented to men as being "only valid until she decides she's no longer haaaaaappy and then she will take the kids and half your money" and see how many are still willing to sign up for that.

This is totally untrue. Just look at all the men leaving their wives for younger women and having sex all I over the place and not doing anything at home. Many think that is the only purpose of marriage. To have some sort of happiness doll that can be their possession and give them pleasure and take care of them.

[Anonymous]

*sex.

Also want to add that I’m just conveying my personal experience. But if the libido is gone, there are things you can do for it. Talk to a doctor.