Are men happier than women in marriage at midlife?

[Anonymous]

There is definitely a biological clock for everyone and for women it's shorter. Weird statement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is definitely a biological clock for everyone and for women it's shorter. Weird statement

For men it’s probably 55 yo, at least to being able to see your kids in adulthood and grandkids. Men live 74 years on average so mid 50s is probably the “deadline” to get enough time to invest in your kids and support them at least through college
For women the deadline for own biological child is 45. But as women have longer longevity and overall energy levels are higher vs men in mid life, they in fact are capable to raise babies at 60 yo. Lots of examples when kids were brought up by grand mothers after parents died in wars etc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me to contrast the comments in this thread--where everyone seems certain that women are screwed over by marriage--with the threads where women are pissed that they can't get a man to settle down and marry. Why is it that worldly, well educated women want something that is so bad for them?

Because they want children and unfortunately society still shames never-married single mothers.

Exactly. And it's just easier with a spouse. That doesn't mean that 20 years later they're still benefitting from being married. Women initiate most divorces and remarry less.

So they are misrepresenting their long term intentions or just don't know that it turns out to be terrible (despite the supposed common knowledge)?

Are all men you meet the same? Well, all women are not the same. Some women are not capable of marriage and enter into it misrepresenting themselves. Others enter into it misrepresenting the other person. Some get it right. Some get it right and then get it wrong. There is no same pattern for everyone in life. How old are the people commenting here? It's like I'm talking to 15 year olds.

Of course "not all women" or "not all men." But the primary argument in this thread is that it is well known/well documented that marriage is generally a raw deal for women. So if that's true, then it doesn't square with the countless threads about women wanting to lock down a noncommittal man for marriage.

Smart women aren’t trying to lock down a “noncommittal” man. Some women think they can change a noncommittal man, but it usually doesn’t work out well for them in the long run. There are men who actually do desire marriage and a family.

Women love and chase men who are unavailable. I've seen it too often in life to believe anything else.

Revealed preferences are a thing. Women supposedly benefit the least from marriage but want it the most. And men supposedly benefit the most and want it the least.

Ever heard of Occam's razor? Generally, if women want marriage the most, you can assume it's because it benefits them the most. And the inverse goes for men.

That was my point on revealed preferences. The term means (in basic terms) that behavior is the best indicator of preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me to contrast the comments in this thread--where everyone seems certain that women are screwed over by marriage--with the threads where women are pissed that they can't get a man to settle down and marry. Why is it that worldly, well educated women want something that is so bad for them?

It *amazes* you that two different groups of women could say different things? Your mind will be completely blown, then, when you hear that there are even more groups of women: women who love being married, women who are completely indifferent to it, women who think marriage is evil, women who want to be married but only if they find a man who is obviously devoted to them, and so on and so forth. The group who is "pissed that they can't get a man to settle down and marry" is fast dwindling, however.

I think you misunderstood the point or you are arguing in bad faith.

If it is so well understood that women get a raw deal in marriage, why are so many well educated and/or smart women (who should know this well understood fact) so adamant about getting married? Maybe women aren't in fact getting a raw deal. Or maybe they know it's bad but nevertheless want it. But it points to either dishonesty or ignorance, or a combination.

I am not misunderstanding the point. But your point in the first post assumes that the women who know that marriage is bad for women are the same women who are pissed they can't get a man to propose ("why is it that educated women want something that is so bad for them?").

You cannot derive any conclusions about who marriage is best for based on the fact that there are educated women who are actually, seriously upset that they can't get a man to propose to them. You can use your imagine to figure out why some women think this way even though other women believe marriage benefits men more.

Based on there research I've seen, my conclusion is that a marriage in which both partners work but the woman still does more childcare and housework benefits men more (and that constitutes a *high* percentage of marriages), but a truly good marriage is an overall benefit to both genders.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. Married for 17 years, soon to be 18.

My husband is always all over me, trying to cuddle, pinch/slap my butt, have sex.

I definitely think he is more into it than me but I do love him.

[Anonymous]

Marriage definitely benefits women the most. Gives them a purpose for having children. Society also benefits from marriage in the same way it does for people working to make money. Money and children keeps society running smoothly. Divorce I think benefits men more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage definitely benefits women the most. Gives them a purpose for having children. Society also benefits from marriage in the same way it does for people working to make money. Money and children keeps society running smoothly. Divorce I think benefits men more.

Also trauma in a marriage is more hurtful to a woman because she values it more. Kind of like a man in a horrible traumatic job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting sex?

y) probably happy
n) miserable

how much is needed for yes, probably happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage definitely benefits women the most. Gives them a purpose for having children. Society also benefits from marriage in the same way it does for people working to make money. Money and children keeps society running smoothly. Divorce I think benefits men more.

Financially, yes, especially if kids are involved, but women are generally much happier than men after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting sex?

y) probably happy
n) miserable

how much is needed for yes, probably happy?

Depends on the quality. Quality, once a week probably good. Quality, once a month or less, probably still unhappy. If she just lays there, letting him masturbate with her body, they're probably both miserable no matter how frequent it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage definitely benefits women the most. Gives them a purpose for having children. Society also benefits from marriage in the same way it does for people working to make money. Money and children keeps society running smoothly. Divorce I think benefits men more.

Financially, yes, especially if kids are involved, but women are generally much happier than men after a divorce.

Women are able to form connections better and replace a man emotionally easier. I still think a lot of women leave because of trauma and it's easier to work than deal with someone else's trauma. Without social security might be a different story.

[Anonymous]

Everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

Seriously though, the reason men are in relationships is for the sex (even if it evolves into something more platonic/familial). And women love sex but don't need it like men.

So of course men are less happy if divorced and not dating whereas many women seem fine being without a partner, especially post-menopause.

If you neutered men, they'd be just as content to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

Seriously though, the reason men are in relationships is for the sex (even if it evolves into something more platonic/familial). And women love sex but don't need it like men.

So of course men are less happy if divorced and not dating whereas many women seem fine being without a partner, especially post-menopause.

If you neutered men, they'd be just as content to be alone.

Amazing how people spout drivel like this with such confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is definitely a biological clock for everyone and for women it's shorter. Weird statement

For men it’s probably 55 yo, at least to being able to see your kids in adulthood and grandkids. Men live 74 years on average so mid 50s is probably the “deadline” to get enough time to invest in your kids and support them at least through college
For women the deadline for own biological child is 45. But as women have longer longevity and overall energy levels are higher vs men in mid life, they in fact are capable to raise babies at 60 yo. Lots of examples when kids were brought up by grand mothers after parents died in wars etc.

This leaves out the fact that there is good evidence that offspring of older dads have a higher incidence of autism and severe mental illness like schizophrenia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH 61 here. Most heterosexual marriages would be materially better if each partner tried harder to discover and meet the others' unmet needs. That can start with simply asking your partner what needs they have that they wish were being fulfilled better by you, and then listen carefully.

It is perhaps a stereotype, but for men, those unmet needs are often in the bedroom. A DW who wants to reanimate her marriage thus can sometimes do so pretty easily by focusing on that and showing more interest, enthusiasm, and open-mindedness. Variety helps. You can create variety with the same person but it takes imagination and work.

Many DH have completely abandoned any romantic efforts towards their wives. So this is an area, along with helping around the house and with other life chores, where many DH can make improvements quickly.

Someone once said that romance to many wives is like a BJ yo many DHs. Crass, but there is an element of truth to this,


I’m a happily married DW. I’m 49 so unfortunately I’ve gone through menopause and the sensation down there has almost vanished. I also have a SN kid. This year both of my parents were diagnosed with terminal illnesses. And I’m POA for them both. It is all completely draining. But one thing or another has been dragging me down for years. I wonder if the best days of my life are gone. I’m afraid after my parents die, I’ll get diagnosed with something or another crisis will happen. I find I barely think or dream about sex anymore. I still find my husband incredibly attractive. I wish there was female viagra.

Anyhow, I’ve explained to him that sex has changed for me and we have worked on ways to make things better. I still love the closeness and satisfying him. We really try to be honest about how things have changed and approach the problem as team. He makes special efforts to be romantic. I really appreciate it. I make efforts to provide more in the bedroom. We feel happy to be on the journey together. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge the reality and not pretend it’s all the same.

A lot of it is learning to accept change together or you’ll fall apart.