Are men happier than women in marriage at midlife?

[Anonymous]

Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

Plenty of men having an affair. I’m a woman and had no interest in divorcing but had to because of him. Some people are more prone to monogamy I guess.

[Anonymous]

I’ve also noticed this in my marriage, and I think a lot of it is that we settled down at different ages.

Because I’m female, I felt like I had to start husband hunting pretty much right after I graduate college. Biological clocks and aging and whatnot.

H is almost a decade older, so he had plenty of time to play the field and have fun, and then settled down at almost 40. So it’s almost like he got to live 2 lives - first the fun life of a bachelor and now he’s ready for the steady life of a husband and father. Whereas monogamy and LTRs are really all I know, and I was I had had the time to be single, explore who I was, and get more out of life.

[Anonymous]

Look up happiness U-curve. It’s not your marriage. It’s a normal part of life that general unhappiness sets in. It will lift eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

[Anonymous]

It takes less to make men come content. Women are more complex emotionally. Lesbians and straight women initiate divorce at higher rates.

Also, men who lack the spark will often cheat but not want to end their marriage. They can separate sex and love

[Anonymous]

Men considering marriage should read this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

Plenty of men having an affair. I’m a woman and had no interest in divorcing but had to because of him. Some people are more prone to monogamy I guess.

+1. And we had a happy marriage. No signs. Just went out and found a side piece to screw while continuing to screw me.

Dysfunction and past childhood trauma comes to a head in midlife for people that never addressed it, suppressed it and thought it didn’t affect them.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH really blissfully happy? I’m sure he knows you no longer feel something for him and he’s miserable too in his own way.

Because if you ask a group of men, many will say they know their wife no longer pays attention to them the same way, their bedroom is dead, and they would cheat if the right opportunity came along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes less to make men come content. Women are more complex emotionally. Lesbians and straight women initiate divorce at higher rates.

Also, men who lack the spark will often cheat but not want to end their marriage. They can separate sex and love

Men will stay in a marriage, but completely check out, start petty arguments, and/or cheat until their wives file.

[Anonymous]

Guys are probably much less likely to share this information with you than women since I assume you have closer relationships with more women than men.

I'm a guy and I, as well as many of my male friends, feel similar to you regarding the spark being gone and marriage being somewhat of a grind. At least for me it's not a reflection on DW and is most likely just how things are with younger children and the level of time and energy they require not leaving much room for anything else. I wouldn't leave over it or have an affair over it, it's just the way things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve also noticed this in my marriage, and I think a lot of it is that we settled down at different ages.

Because I’m female, I felt like I had to start husband hunting pretty much right after I graduate college. Biological clocks and aging and whatnot.

H is almost a decade older, so he had plenty of time to play the field and have fun, and then settled down at almost 40. So it’s almost like he got to live 2 lives - first the fun life of a bachelor and now he’s ready for the steady life of a husband and father. Whereas monogamy and LTRs are really all I know, and I was I had had the time to be single, explore who I was, and get more out of life.

I'm a man and was a serial monogamist. Not everyone has a desire to play the field. I think many men are like me: 2-4 relativeloy serious girlfriends, a fling or two, then marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look up happiness U-curve. It’s not your marriage. It’s a normal part of life that general unhappiness sets in. It will lift eventually.

This completely

[Anonymous]

No. Midlife is about comparing your real accomplishments vs your previous dreams and goals... not many people measure up, at least not the ambitious people that typically populate this forum. It obviously affects everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

How do you know they are blissfully happy?